Christmas season is here. The lights and decorations are up around the town, and the tree in Midland Park has been up for weeks. And so it seems that ep remembrance season lasts now from the beginning of November, till January.
I realised looking back at posts here that I missed my traditional reflection piece around the anniversary of learning I’ll never have children (otherwise known as my birthday!). That’s okay - maybe after seven years it’s time to stop!!
But things have been hitting me a bit lately. I think it’s a combination of stress over work, stress over uncertainties around DH’s work, and maybe the time of year. I’m not sure now if it’s so much grieving the childless life that brings the sadness, as just the memories of sadness, if you know what I mean. And, dare I say it, I think my hormones are all over the place - damned hormones!!! (oops I’ll probably get censored) - and it’s been a bit of a crap year in some ways, even though I freely admit that if this year was a crap year then I don’t have much to complain about.
Anyway, I wanted to pop in here and say I’m thinking of all my friends who find this time of year hard because of the memories; Izzie, Sarah, Mary, Philippa, Kathryn, and so many others (and I’m really sorry if I haven’t named someone I should have). We went through a lot together, and I’m so thankful we’re still together now. Some of us have scattered, others are still around, or we meet “off-line” in various ways. But we’re all okay, and we’re friends - even if we’re on opposite sides of the world - and that’s what is so wonderful.
On the bright side, DH and I are taking a reminiscent holiday to Thailand for Christmas, and I wish I could go now. The cabbage trees are flowering and that’s a good sign of a long hot summer and I hope I haven’t jinxed that by mentioning it! :roll:
It’s so very strange how time passes, and how our life’s experiences affect us differently at different times. You are so right about the fact there is that little band of us who share that close anniversary and I’d be lying if I were to say that this time of year is easy for me and I know it’s not easy for so many others too. I felt positively upbeat in early November, imagining that this anniversary would be OK and of course it was OK but not what I’d expected. - I sobbed on an off for most of the day and really hadn’t expected too. But thankfully, it passed quickly and a more normal responses and feelings was resumed, probably more quickly than in previous years but you never, ever forget the events that alter your lives do you? For me, I think I have just become a whole lot better at not beating myself up and allowing myself my griefs - maybe an age thing? I don’t know!
I am sad that the year hasn’t been ‘sparkling’ for you and I know exactly what you mean by the year being crap when there’ s nothing really bad about it either. However, years like this, which are an impasse, at least until the cleft in the rock ahead becomes apparent and the next set of mysteries are revealed, leave you feeling a little despondent and a bit lacklustre about the future.
Flat is the word that springs to mind?
So what can I add to this thread? We’ll very little really. But I can tell you, that like you I am very glad to have made some very special and life long friends here as a result of the ectopic pregnancy I experienced and that my life is better for them, and so I have that dreadful period of sadness and the sadness of the anniversaries to endure but the support, love and friendship I have as a result of that loss seem over time to outweigh the sad stuff
What of the next few weeks - or months or years? Well I guess no one truly knows do they? - But I am glad you have exciting plans for a holiday and that special man in your life to share it all with I am glad that I have your friendship and I guess I am glad that we have this place still too and for my hopes, I hope for stability - and a little more certainty over good things, both great elements for reducing stress.
I can’t better Izzie’s reply but I wanted to reply because you’re always there for everyone else, Linda. On a personal note, I find this time of year hard because it’s my birthday (early November) and, as you know from kindly replying to my recent venting posts, I’m worried that I’m getting to the age where it’s never going to happen for me. And, my baby was due on Christmas Day 2008. I wish more than anything that I’d never found out my due date. This time of year brings up so many emotions for me but none of them are happiness or excitement. Since 2008, I’ve approached Christmas Day with dread, and hate that the run-up to it is so long. I feel like I’ve got a constant reminder of what should have been - from September (when Christmas hits the high street) to January (when the decorations are taken down). I spend the whole of Christmas morning in tears but, by the afternoon, I’m usually ok (a few drinks always help!). It’s more the build-up to the day that’s hard, and I know that this year’s going to be easier than last year which was easier than the year before. Izzie – I’m so sorry to hear that around this time is also your anniversary. I guess we (or at least I) forget you’ve been through the same things we have. I miss taking Christmas for what it is and just being able to enjoy it. I’m Jewish so it shouldn’t really mean that much but we’ve always celebrated Christmas in my family and, for just one year, I’d like to be able to join in and mean it. Maybe next year.
Like Izzie, I’m sorry you’re year hasn’t been sparkling. I get exactly what you mean. I hope you have a really lovely holiday. It will be here before you know it. X
not sure if you meant me, cause i think there ve been other marys around, but did feel spoken too
as this time of year has been the worst time, for the past years. it was the time in which my energy would leave me depleted, my battery would be completely empty and i had to start from zero.
i hope this year to be different. i hate xmas and all the fuzz, but this year i thought to just join in and try to get some of the happy vibes people seem to have around this season.
i put up loads of lights, hoping that it ll make a difference.
sorry to hear your year was not what it could ve been.
i m sendin you a gentle hug to get through the days, and through the countdown til thailand!
izzie, sweetie, didn t realise this was your anniversary as well, sendin you a scarf hug you can wrap around you all day long that keeps the mudd away. you ve been there for me always and i still think often off the posts you wrote to me
bluetopaz, sendin you a freshly baked waffle hug, with wipped cream on top
Thanks for your message - yes, its a tough old time of year, and fast approaching the date of my last ectopic, which was almost 7 years ago. Hard to believe it was so long ago, but remembering you, Izzie, Sarahg, B, Sarah from NZ and many others for their friendship and support during it.
Hormones did you say? Well I am officially turning into a grumpy old woman. My tolerance levels are so low lately, and for someone as chilled out as me usually, thats a biggie! Rah!
Izzie - can never say thank you to you or the other ladies enough for your support and friendship. I agree with you about the friendships made here, and think thats what makes you all so special, that such fab friendships can come out of such heartache.
Bluetopaz - I don’t think we’ve ‘met’ before as I don’t venture on here much, but I hear you when you say about Christmas, even if its not celebrated as such, its all around us everywhere we look. And of course it brings to the fore the loss we feel as its a very poignant time on its own, never mind when there are anniversaries of loss thrown in the mix too.
Mary - my namesake but I am known usually as Lambsie on here (someone else on the forums was called MaryC when I first began using this site many years ago) hope you are keeping well, and that you are doing ok, or as ok as you can be.
Much love to you all throughout this ‘festive’ season, I hope the time passes peacefully for you.
Hopelessly late because I haven’t been here for months and months - but tonight you popped in to my head, so I thought I’d look in to see if you are still around.
So sorry to hear you’ve had a rubbish 2010, and I pray that 2011 will bring you happiness and brighter horizons.
You are a very special lady, and forever in my heart. We shared a journey that none of us would have chosen to embark on, and it took us different ways at times, but I do always feel so very linked to you because of our anniversaries.
Look after yourself lovely lady. It would be lovely to be in touch again.
Philippa!! How nice of you to pop in, and think of me! I always think of you around our anniversary. There was such a special group of us around that time who helped us through. I haven’t been in for ages but popped in this week twice just to help out. (Left my infamous “comebacks” list. I still haven’t used “because the cats are allergic” excuse for not having children, but I still want to!)
2010 wasn’t all bad - I just got very stressed and run-down I think at the end of last year, and so the trip to Thailand and the lazing about on the beach and exploring all my old haunts and eating all my old favourite foods and drinking lots and lots of cocktails all helped!!! Dealing with stress is increasingly difficult - I’m blaming the fact that I’m fast becoming “a woman of a certain age!” argh!
Sorry to have only just seen this. (Yes 9 years after “meeting” you I still preface half my emails with a sorry LOL!)
I really hear that 2010 was not an easy year for you. It seemed Thailand may have been a little rejuvenating on some level? I hope so.
How you are doing, and feeling, now?
I just want you to know that I think about you a lot and care v much how you are. Absorbed as I am in this phase of my life.
It is funny isn’t it. Life is such a gift and yet it is a gift that very often hurts like hell. And one that is as infused with moments of loneliness and disconnection as with peace connection and healing. I still don’t know what it is all about and am not sure I will do when (if) I am 95.
“A woman of a certain age”. Here’s to transforming that from something to be ashamed of to a celebration of wisdom. It is odd giving up youth and body for aging. I guess it brings a kind of freedom too.
I hope 2011 is a good year for you. But I hope right now in this moment you are doing ok. And I love you lots!
Goodness - 9 years. It is, isn’t it? OK, now you make me feel old! I’m becoming quite conscious that THE big birthday is looming in a year or two … and being “a woman of a certain age” when I’m starting to see changes … well it’s all a bit of a pain.
But as I said, if 2010 was a bad year, then I really don’t have anything to complain about! Just needed a break by the end of the year. I think I assume that because I’m self-employed, and therefore not working full-time, I don’t suffer any stress, or that I don’t deserve to have a break, and yet by the end of last year, I was actually quite stressed out. But 2 1/2 weeks in my second home were extremely therapeutic. Of course, it’s February now and so I’m almost ready for another holiday!! LOL I’m trying to figure out if I can get to Europe again this year - it will have been 3 years since my last visit (and Enzo was just a tiny wee fella in your arms) - and I really want to. The NZ$ against the pound and Euro is stronger than it’s ever been on any visit I’ve made, so financially it makes sense. That’s my argument and I’m sticking to it (just need DH to fall for it)!
I know our lives are so very different and you’re understandably busy, but that doesn’t mean we aren’t connected, and that I don’t love and appreciate you for thinking of me. I do love the ongoing relationships I’ve made through these boards.
and really hadn’t expected too. But thankfully, it passed quickly and a more normal responses and feelings was resumed, probably more quickly than in previous years but you never, ever forget the events that alter your lives do you? For me, I think I have just become a whole lot better at not beating myself up and allowing myself my griefs - maybe an age thing? I don’t know!