reminders

Living Life Without Children
1

Hi folks,

Yesterday a very dear friend and colleague scooted up to me on her wheelie chair in the office and asked very mysteriously if I minded if she ask me a personal question.

I said fire away (I’ve never shied away from talking about ‘feelings’, with friends anyway!).

She asked me what is was like to be childless.

She was worried because she always chats away about her kids and the problems she has, and the pain and helplessness she often feels.

I haven’t thought about this for a few years now to be honest, I am perfectly happy to listen and reassure her, I like hearing about what it’s like to bring up children. I like her kids, they’re cuties.

My reply?

I explained that being childless is a bit like being a recovering addict, you take one day at a time. Every experience you have is directly or indirectly effected by being childless. In both good and not so good ways. I don’t feel sour about other’s babies because I only wanted mine, not theirs… I don’t like tiny babies crying, it pulls me in a primevil way as a Mum.

Do I cry about it anymore? Nope. Not really.

But I still cry about my cat dying in April, he was my replacement baby and I loved him and looked after him with SO much passion.

She was satisfied with my answer, although expressed her awe, she couldn’t imagine what her life would be like without her children.

I am very impressed when people have the balls to ask me about childlessness, or have the emotional intellegence to apreciate that it must be b****y hard.

Sometimes though I find it all too much, you need to work so hard to stay strong, networks are so important, and sometimes I feel very alone.

And low and behold I find myself back here :lol: , my spiritual home!

I start to feel better, thank goodness.

Life’s not easy, life without children I guess has it’s own challenges, and when we are in the minority amongst friends and family that can isolate us can’t it…

So! There we have it, life’s not fair :wink: , but being rare can have it’s advantages too, NB The Lamb’s list lol!

Well enough ramblings from me,

sending my love out over cyber space to you all,

sarahgxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

2

Lovely Sarahg

I’m sorry you’ve been feeling isolated, but I have to say, checking in here on this Friday afternoon has made my day as two of my most favourite people in the world (you and Lambsie) have visited! :smiley: :lol: :smiley: :stuck_out_tongue:

I think the answers you gave your friend were great. I also agree that not many people have the courage (ok, balls as you said!) or the emotional intelligence to be able to ask that question and actually want to hear the answer. Perhaps that’s why you like to hear from her and about her kids? I find that some people and their kids don’t bother me at all, because they include me as part of their lives, rather than just telling me about them, if that makes sense? They’re the people who have some degree of interest or empathy in my situation. The people who just talk about their kids, without making any effort to include me in their lives in any way (and by “inclusion” I mean anything as simple as the manner in which they talk to me), or the ones who, when learning I don’t have children, turn away because they think they have nothing in common with me, are the ones who can hurt the most, make me feel isolated, lesser, etc.

I do find it odd though when people say they can’t imagine their lives without their children. I find it a bit silly. Well, of course they can’t, because they already have children. Frankly, these days, I can’t imagine my life with children. Because it’s not my reality. And what’s the point of imagining something that isn’t my reality? (especially if it hurts me if I do it). And so, because it’s not my reality, I don’t feel it as a loss every day. Some days, yes (as you say, some days maybe I need a drink! :lol: ), but certainly not every day. Does that make sense?

Recently I’ve been doing a bit of reading on the internet, and find that in some places, I have as much in common with the childfree (by choice) people as I do with the childless (not by choice) people. And I quite like that I can find places where I can feel free to feel the way I feel (too many “feels” there but I hope you know what I mean), without having to justify it to anyone. Because these days, secretly, a lot of the time I am happy I don’t have children. I know that’s almost a sacrilegious thing to say, especially on these boards! But in this little one, I hope it’s safe to admit.

So lovely to see you here Mrs G. I wish we could have your wise ramblings here more often, but know why we can’t. You were so important to me when I was going through my stuff all those years ago. I can’t believe you’ve been enriching my life for almost 9 years. Yay for you.

Anyway, big, soft, squishy, gentle hugs.

And all my love

Linda

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Aww Linda, it’s lovely to be ‘home’, feet up, and a nice cuppa (or glass of vino) with some of the dearest friends anyone could ever wish for. xx

9 years!!! OMG that’s scary lol :lol: , but nice too.

I agree, there are some people I am more than happy to chat to, to hear about their kids, to be involved and to feel included. It can be nice.

But there are other people who just wind me up I’m afraid.

Actually I think you are right about the childless by choicers, they have done us a bit if a favour because we can sneak under the radar if we so wish. Maybe when things were really raw it hurt more to be assumed to be a chooser…but yes they do have a fair bit in common with us these days, I may well track some down for a few pointers!

And you know what? I don’t think it’s wrong to be happy that we don’t have children most of the time, it’s our right, we’ve paid the forfeit, in full, with knobs on. :lol:

As you know the job I’m in can be a bit ‘trying’, there are a lot of scary and sad cases out there, many who get there jollies by sniffing gear, punching people to a pulp and using obscene language as their normal adjectives. They make a stark case in favour of eugenics (yuck awful idealogy), I personally just feel very very sorry for them, I wish I could make their lives better, but they are too far gone, too screwed up by their parents and society. So I am also glad I don’t have kids that are growing up in this world. It’s poisonous.

OK rant over, had a bad day at work on Friday, will be less cynical by Monday.

And yes mate you make perfect sense as always :wink: .

Now my OU course is over I hope to come visit a bit more, so hang on to your hats there may be more of this drivel to come!!!

Massive hugs back to you my dear friend :smiley: sending all my love back right at ya.

sarahgxxxxxxxxxxxxx