I’m new here after finding this site following surgery yesterday to remove my 7 week baby who was seen yesterday morning on USS, with a heartbeat, but sadly growing in my right tube.
Words can’t explain how I feel right now. We concieved our youngest child via ivf after 3 long years of ttc (I also have a 12 year old from a previous relationship) and this little dot was our surprise miracle. I can’t stop terrible thoughts about my little baby-such as how long did it live after surgery, where is its tiny body now, how I desperately wanted it but had to make the decision to end its little life. Are these all normal after this or am I being morbid? My family are trying to reassure me that the pregnancy wouldn’t have survived and that it was life threatening to me-I know all of this and they mean well but I am still heartbroken.
I chose not to look at the scan or see the pictures knowing that I was going for surgery but now I feel like I owe it to the baby to acknowledge and remember its existence? The nurse told me the pictures will be kept on file and I can ask for them in the future.
Sorry for the rambling but my thoughts are whirling and hoping for some advice or reassurance from others who have experienced this that these feelings and thoughts don’t go on forever?
I am so sorry to hear of your ectopic pregnancy and loss,
When we experience ectopic pregnancy we are suddenly faced with a life threatening emergency and it’s treatment, reduction in fertility, concerns about the future and the loss of our babies. Experiencing any one of these is an ordeal, putting them together is immense and your feelings are completely normal.
I know when I experienced my ectopic pregnancy I struggled with the emotional side of loosing my baby, however as your family have rightly said, sadly there is no alternative but I know at this point this is of little comfort. I struggled for two years with this guilt until I contacted the Trust. Here I found friends who understood how I felt but more crucially recognised that my feelings were normal. Now 7 years on, I do not experience that raw emotional pain anymore but do get upset around special anniversaries. This is completely normal after the difficult time and loss we have experienced. We hear of many women who choose to remember their babies in a variety of ways, personally I wear a charm bracelet with a special charm bought specifically to remember my baby. There is no right or wrong way to remember.
There is no time frame for how long it takes us to heal emotionally and it is completely normal to feel anxious about the future. We will never forget our pregnancy or babies but we can learn to accept what has happened and crucially understand that it wasn’t our fault.
Please be kind to yourself and allow time to grieve, to heal both physically and emotionally.
Sending much love and warm hugs,
Karen x
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Thank you so much for your kind reply-you talk about guilt and I think this is a big part of how I feel, especially as I refused to look at the scan and didn’t see it’s little heart beating
I think that having a way to remember my baby will be a comfort-your charm is a lovely idea. I had a photo taken of me recently on holiday while I was holding my older children. At this time the baby was alive inside of me and I have since looked at the photo and thought that I had all 3 of my children
together at that time so the photo feels special in some way.
Each day I feel better physically-It may take longer to heal emotionally but it’s reassuring to hear from others who have been through it too,
