I’m currently going through my second ectopic pregnancy after being diagnosed 4 days ago. After bleeding a light brown for over 2 weeks and having cramps on my left hand side, I finally went to the hospital. I think I knew all along what the problem was but I was too scared to go. Luckily this time, it seems to be resolving itself without the need so far for more drastic action. I’ve been terrified as almost exactally a year ago, I had to have my right tube removed following an ectopic pregnancy. I was told in this surgery that my left tube looked healthy to conceive future pregnancies, but now I’ve had an ectopic in my ‘healthy’ tube, I don’t know what the future holds and I’m scared to get pregnant again. I wasn’t exactally ‘trying’ with my boyfriend of 2 years, but I’ve always said “if it happens it happens”. He has 3 kids already from previous relationships, where as I don’t have any, and at the age of 37, I’m starting to panic that maybe this will never happen for me. Because he has kids, he already has his family and I don’t think he understands my feelings of loss and fear. I’ve also had 2 miscarriages along with the 2 ectopic pregnancies, all in the last 18 months. My friends all have large families and children and I’m finding that I can’t be around them anymore as Im starting to resent them and have nothing in common with them, truth is I’d love to have what they have. My family consists of my sister and older family members whom none of which have kids, so no nieces and nephews or cousins, so our family will continue to diminish as we get older. I’m scared that without kids, I’ll have no family when I’m older. My boyfriend and I also live abroad and as my language skills aren’t great, and the doctors English is about the same, I feel like I can’t ask what’s causing all these problems so I’m none the wiser. Should I just accept that I won’t have a family and try to concentrate on building a happy child free future or keep trying and getting my heart broken?
Dear Sunshinegirl37,
I am so sorry to hear of your ectopic pregnancies and losses, to experience one loss is difficult to deal with multiple losses is heartbreaking and my heart truly goes out to you.
In the UK, following multiple losses, we would advise talking to your GP and a possible referral to a fertility specialist. It is difficult for me to advise you as we are a UK based charity so do not have any information on healthcare systems outside of the UK. I do not know if you are able to pursue this where you live.
We hear from many women who struggle with news about pregnancy from their friends and families. This is very normal and I was the same after my loss. When I had my ectopic pregnancy I had to attend a family function and a close family member was heavily pregnant. I spent the whole day and evening avoiding her as I found it too hard to be near her. It’s what I needed to do to get through the day and have some space and please protect your heart in whatever way you need. This does not make us “bad” people and it is possible to be happy for those around us while grieving for our own loss. Pregnancies and babies can be a very stark reminder of what could have been and it can be painful. Please do be gentle with yourself and you can talk to us whenever you need.
Many women feel isolated following ectopic pregnancy, I know I did. Living abroad may further enhance this feeling, so please continue to use the forums for advice and support for as long as you need.
There is no time frame for how long it takes us to heal emotionally and it is completely normal to feel anxious about the future. We will never forget our pregnancy or babies but we can learn to accept what has happened and crucially understand that it wasn’t our fault.
Sending much love,
Karen x
If we have been able to help you, are you able to help us with a small donation or by volunteering?
Further information is available at www.ectopic.org.uk
Email us at ept@ectopic.org.uk.
Our helpline is 020 7733 2653 (available Monday to Friday 10am - 4pm).
Detailed medical information can be found on our website. Please remember online medical information is NO SUBSTITUTE for expert medical advice from your own health care team.
Hi Sunshinegirl37,
I have just experienced my sexond exropic and also live abroad. Sadly, I can relate to you, the not wanting to be around friends with kids which at this point in my life is the majority of them. My best friend here had a baby two weeks after my first ectopic and while I was sad at first it was nice to just be around her. Now its too hard, its such a reminder of what I don’t have, what I fear I will never have.
Its all private hosptials here so to be honest I find it hard to trust the doctors. I know there are no answers for ectopics but I still feel like after 2 I should see some sort of specialist. My first one I lost my tube and the second is cornual so nothing to do with blocked tubes.
I keep asking myself how many times I can do this again? When should you stop trying? After two? After 4? I wish there were answers.
Is it even safe to try?
What I suppose I am trying to say is I can relate to you and I am here if you ever want to chat.