6 years ago after several years of trying for a baby, my husband and I learned that I have blocked tubes on both sides, since then we have been through 6 unsuccessful rounds of IVF, during one round I had a large amount of “abnormal bleeding from the uterus” and bled until I passed out. 4th round we got pregnant but miscarried after 3 weeks. With each round I found myself becoming more and more consumed with everything fertility related to the point where I couldn’t see any friends or family because I was so worried about what I did or didn’t do or eat would affect my egg count. It came to a point where I thought I was losing my mind, so we decided to have a break from the treatment.
One day I was about to go for a run but something, I have not idea what, compelled me to go and get a pregnancy test. To our complete surprise it was positive! We bought another couple of tests just in case- they also showed positive. We were over the moon- it was a miracle, we were told we were not able to conceive naturally but here we were 4 weeks pregnant! We were so excited about how and when to tell our family and friends.
About a week later I had a pain in my lower abdomen, my husband insisted we go to the hospital, we were seen by a lovely doctor who did an internal scan. She confirmed it was ectopic, and much further developed than we first thought as it was quite big- 9 weeks, and my tube had ruptured, I had bled internally about 2 litres, I was rushed to emergency surgery where my left tube and our 9 week embryo was removed.
We were absolutely crushed, even the nurses were crying with us.
It’s been a few weeks now and the scale of what happened is still processing. We just celebrated my husbands 40th birthday which is when we would have announced it to friends and family. I find myself looking at other peoples kids and I feel so sad for our little miracle baby who couldn’t make it. I see pregnant ladies holding their lovely bumps and feel so sad that isn’t me. I can’t face the thought of another round of IVF but I don’t know if I’m ready to say we won’t have our own family. I know there are other possibilities like adoption or surrogates but it’s not the same and also brings about a whole other set of emotions and big decisions I don’t feel ready for.
I find myself thinking about what happened and our baby all the time. I’m trying not to blame myself but sometimes it’s hard not to feel like I’ve failed as a woman, as a mother, as a wife, I’ve failed my body or my body has failed me. I keep reminding myself I’m lucky to be alive but at the same time so sad for our baby, I keep thinking maybe there’s something I could have done to save her.
Just feel deeply sad and empty.
Clee