Completely broken

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1

Hi,

I had my 7th IVF treatment in December and was ecstatic to have a positive HPT. Four days later I started bleeding and although my HCG was rising it wasn’t rising “properly” and nothing could be seen on a scan. I spent the whole of Christmas and New Year waiting around in my local EPU for blood tests every two days and finally had to have surgery at nearly 9 weeks “pregnant” to remove the foetus and my left tube.

That was last Thursday…on Sunday, 3 days after surgery to remove my baby and my Fallopian tube, my best friend told me she’s pregnant and due within a couple of weeks of what should be my due date. She couldn’t wait until I was a bit more recovered from surgery and I’m completely devastated as it should be me… I now feel like I have no-one to talk to about this. I spent hours chatting to her about all of this and all the while she knew she was pregnant…

I am totally broken…we have tried so hard and gone through so much and we’ve come up empty yet again…and now my friend has what we should have…this should be our time… I just don’t know how to get through this.

We have two more IVF attempts left but I’m not feeling positive about them at all…especially knowing that 1 in 10 women who have an ectopic pregnancy have another one. Is there any hope at all that we might finally get what we so desperately want? I should add I’m also 47 so there’s very little time left for us… My clinic also won’t let me have any further transfers for at least 3 months so I have no chance of having a baby this year and I’ll be 48 even if by some miracle it does work.

This was supposed to be our year… :frowning:

2

Dear JippyBoo,

I am so sorry to hear of your ectopic pregnancy and loss, it is always difficult but after everything you have been through, my heart truly goes out to you.

We hear from many women who struggle with news about pregnancy from their friends and families. This is very normal and I was the same after my loss. When I had my ectopic pregnancy I had to attend a family function and a close family member was heavily pregnant. I spent the whole day and evening avoiding her as I found it too hard to be near her. It’s what I needed to do to get through the day and have some space and please protect your heart in whatever way you need. This does not make us “bad” people and it is possible to be happy for those around us while grieving for our own loss. Pregnancies and babies can be a very stark reminder of what could have been and it can be painful. It maybe worth being open and honest with your friend but please do be gentle with yourself and you can talk to us whenever you need.

Many women experience feelings of isolation after an ectopic pregnancy - I did, too. It is a frightening experience. Like you, I reached out to the Trust for support and we will be here for you to lean on for as long as you need.

Whilst your feelings are completely normal, if you feel they are getting on top of you we at the Trust believe that talking through what happened and your emotions as and when you can helps the healing process. We operate a helpline service and there’s no pressure whatsoever but if you would ever like the opportunity to speak over the phone to someone who has been through a similar experience, do feel free to call, details are below. We can take things at your pace entirely and you are free to ask any questions that are on your mind. You can talk about the ordeal you have been through and express your feelings to vent and let off some steam. We can exchange emails too, if you prefer that route. We’ll simply be here for you, however you wish and for as long as you wish.

In addition, you can ask to see a GP at your practice and ask them to explore ways in which you can get help and this can include referrals for “talking therapies” or counselling. We have information on our website about finding counselling services.

The charity Mind may also be of assistance. They have local centres and support groups and can offer services on a means-tested basis or sometimes free. You can find your local centre following this link if that may be useful too: http://www.mind.org.uk/information-support/local-minds/

Sending much love and warm hugs,

Karen x

The Ectopic Pregnancy Trust

Registered Charity Number: 1071811

If we have been able to help you, are you able to help us with a small donation or by volunteering or fundraising?

Further information is available at ectopic.org.uk

Email us: ept@ectopic.org.uk

We provide a call-back helpline service: 020 7733 2653

The latest EPT newsletter is out now! You can take a look at the Winter edition and subscribe to our mailing list here: https://mailchi.mp/986bdd6091ee/ectopic-matters

Detailed medical information can be found on our website. Please remember online medical information is NO SUBSTITUTE for expert medical advice from your own health care team

3

Just don’t see how I can realistically get through this…

I now have to spend the rest of this year watching my best friend have her happy ending and I don’t get one… I don’t think avoidance is going to cut it because there will be a constant reminder for meow what should and could have been…

We’ve been through so much already after nearly 20 years of trying to have our family and I just can’t see a way forward. …

4

I’m on the same boat, I shared with my best friend that my husband and had been trying to get pregnant for 6 months and had been unsuccessful. 2 months later she texted me her BFP, at first I was so happy for her and something told me to take a pregnancy test and there in my amazement was my BFP. Now at 7 weeks exactly like her I have been having right side pain and light spotting I went to the ER and they told me it might me an ectopic pregnancy, but it was too early to know since they couldn’t find anything on ultrasound. Here I am feeling guilty for not answering my friends calls and avoiding her since I found out my pregnancy might be an ectopic while her pregnancy is going great. I try to not feel this way but I just think if mine does end up being an ectopic, then everytime I see her child I’m going to be heartbroken because my precious baby would be the same age.

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Dear araalc91,

I am so sorry to hear of the worrying time you are going through.

If you are concerned your friend will be upset that you are avoiding her, you could tell her what is happening so she has some understanding, even if you do not want to be in close contact with her at this stage.

I am sending positive thoughts for a good outcome for you but we will be hear to lean on if needed.

Sending much love,

Karen x

The Ectopic Pregnancy Trust

Registered Charity Number: 1071811

If we have been able to help you, are you able to help us with a small donation or by volunteering or fundraising?

Further information is available at ectopic.org.uk

Email us: ept@ectopic.org.uk

We provide a call-back helpline service: 020 7733 2653

The latest EPT newsletter is out now! You can take a look at the Winter edition and subscribe to our mailing list here: https://mailchi.mp/986bdd6091ee/ectopic-matters

Detailed medical information can be found on our website. Please remember online medical information is NO SUBSTITUTE for expert medical advice from your own health care team

6

I completely understand your pain. I had a missed miscarriage and my sister in law was pregnant. We were 1 month apart and it still hurts seeing what she has and I dont. I try to be happy for her but I still have bad days. Then I recently suffered an ectopic pregnancy and have just discovered my cousin is pregnant and is due 2 weeks before I would have been. It always seems to be that just as I suffer a loss, someone close to me announces a pregnancy around the time I should have been due.

Keep reading others’ stories on here. I find whenever I feel low or sad it helps knowing that I’m not alone.

Xx