This is my first time ever posting anything on a forum so I am a little nervous but I really wanted to reach out to people who are currently going through the same thing as me and also so I can talk and let me feelings out.
Please bear with me as this is a long story but I have to explain it all so that whoever reads this knows my story.
After a long time of decision making and research I decided to try IUI and use donor sperm to hopefully become a Mommy. It was my life long dream and after unsuccessful relationships and finally feeling ready to go it alone I started the process of IUI.
Amazingly I fell pregnant in March after my second attempt, it was absolutely unbelievable and the most wonderful thing but pretty much straight away I knew something was not right.
I have been pregnant twice in the past but for personal reasons I decided not to continue with the pregnancies, but nether the less I know what it’s like to be pregnant and that’s why I just knew something wasn’t right this time round.
From the first positive pregnancy test it was very faint and it took around 5 days after that to show a real strong positive, and throughout those days I started bleeding which was not normal early pregnancy spotting it was all colours, all consistencies and I just knew something was wrong.
It never stopped, in total I bled for 24 days non stop, the horror I felt seeing blood every time I went to the toilet knowing I was pregnant was really distressing for me.
I was referred to the early pregnancy unit at my local hospital where they scanned me at 5 weeks 5 days, there was no visible pregnancy in the womb.
So there and then I was classed as having a pregnancy of unknown location, this was the most surreal, awful thing I had ever heard. I think that’s the one thing I’ll always struggle to deal with.
I was pregnant but no one knew where my baby was, it’s heartbreaking.
They did locate something close to my left ovary, but it held a question mark around it but deep down I knew that’s where my baby was.
I had blood tests that day and two days later, surprisingly my HCG levels had tripled so in theory this showed that I was having a progressing pregnancy and it was just to early to see anything on the scan and the bleeding could have been something or nothing.
Another scan was booked for me for a week later, the early pregnancy unit was hoping by then they would see the baby.
My hopes returned a little but I continued to bleed and have this feeling deep inside that something was still wrong.
I wanted to say I had no pain or other symptoms, just normal pregnancy symptoms until about 6 weeks 4 days when I started to have a few twinges on my left side and a pressure like feeling in my lower stomach and I began to start feeling slightly unwell.
My second scan day came (6 weeks 5 days) and I knew that they would not see anything on the screen, and once in the room it was confirmed there was no visible pregnancy in the womb but the questionable “something” next to or on my left ovary was more than likely my baby.
I don’t really know how I felt, I still don’t but I went with the flow and the process and had more blood tests as they said that would determine the treatment plan.
At 9.30pm that night the early pregnancy unit rang me and said my HCG hormone had more than tripled again and I had to go straight to the ward where they would review me and make a plan as I was now classed as an emergency.
I went to the hospital and was admitted to the ward, examined and waited until the next morning to see the consultant.
The consultant came and told me I’d be on the emergency list for theatre that day and he’d locate the pregnancy and even though it looked like it was on/close to my ovary there was potential I’d lose my tube and ovary as he would not know until he could see inside (once again I felt nothing, just shock and by that time I just wanted to be ok and it all to be over) so I signed all the papers and waited.
I waited until 10.30pm that night, I went down to theatre and was so scared, I don’t think I have been as scared about anything before in my life and alone.
3 hours later I was awake and in so much pain I couldn’t catch my breath.
I was told it had been a tricky operation as the pregnancy was lying on my ovary so the surgeon did his best to remove the pregnancy without causing me too much damage.
I apparently still have my tube and my ovary but not sure what damage there is to my ovary as I am still waiting for a follow up with the actual surgeon/consultant as he was not in the next day or the days following my operation so the outcome was delivered by a different doctor.
I’m in pain, sore and struggling with the after effects of the operation.
Seeing my wounds and stitches are a shock and feels like it’s not really happening to me.
Having the surgery was a complete shock to the system, I thought I was doing something so wonderful by trying for a baby, especially doing it all on my own but it turned into the most awful experience I have ever been through.
It doesn’t actually feel like I was pregnant, it feels like I had something seriously wrong with me and I had to have an operation to make it all better, to save me.
I’m not dealing very well with the fact I’m not breaking down, I cry but not often, I can’t feel sad about the loss of my baby and that’s bothering me.
The grief will come, I’m sure, well I hope so as I don’t want my baby to be forgotten because of the overwhelming shock of the operation as that makes me feel sad.
I’m not sure how I am meant to feel, so I posted my story to see if there was anyone else out there who has any of my feelings and/or experienced an ovarian pregnancy and/or an ectopic pregnancy after successful IUI treatment.
If anyone is finding it hard to feel emotional towards the loss of their baby I’d like to know as I’m not sure if it’s normal or not how I am feeling or if it’s just I am still in shock because of the whole experience.
Sending love to everyone experiencing or going through the motions of ectopic pregnancy, it the most traumatic awful thing ever to happen but hopefully one day our baby dreams will come true.
This time last week I said I’d never try again as it’s all been too much but as the days are going by I’m determined to get better and try again, I’m not giving up just yet even though it’s going to take a long time to get there xxx