Well it’s been a very tough few weeks to say the least. A couple of weeks ago I found out I was pregnant, I found out early on as I had symptoms straight away. We where so excited as I have started to try for a baby, second time lucky. But that excitement only lasted 2 days. That’s when things got complicated for me. I started to bleed more heavily, it’s wasn’t spotting anymore like it should be at this point in pregnancy. So I went to hospital to get checked out and make sure everything was ok. I went to A and E first but I didn’t get the answers I wanted and they weren’t concerned as they didn’t see any symptoms that could mean a miscarriage or an ectopic. So I went home trying to reassure myself thinking it was good news they didn’t find anything concerning. The next day came along I went to work I felt rough with sickness as you do with pregnancy. It got to the afternoon and I thought maybe going home could improve my bleeding maybe rest to see if the bleeding stops. But when I went home and went to the toilet I noticed my bleeding got heavier. It panicked me so I called the early pregnancy unit instead as they’re professionals in that area of womens health. They told me to come in and get bloods taken to see the HCG levels in me. They offered to examine me so I took the offer to get further answers. Unfortunately they still didn’t have any answers as I was too early into my pregnancy. Only 4 weeks at that point. But they classed my pregnancy as a threatened miscarriage because of the bleeding. Unfortunately they couldn’t do any more for me as it’s too early to see anything so I was booked in for a 6 week scan 2 weeks later. Hopefully I’ll get the answers whether it’s good or bad. During those 2 weeks it was a rollercoaster of emotions, there were times that I was convinced that I was going to miscarriage and loose my baby. I was still bleeding throughout I hated seeing it every time I went to the toilet. I tried to keep calm and said as long as I’m not filling a pad within an hour then I’m ok there’s still hope. I did have other symptoms such as fatigue and pain in my leg, back and pelvis but I just thought it was all to do with pregnancy. It wasn’t severe I had worst pains than that. Little did I know that those pains were telling me something serious was going on. 6 week scan came around, understandably it was emotional it was the day I was going to get answers whether it’s good or bad. We got to the scan it was an internal one as it’s still too early to see anything. So they did their thing looking around I had no idea at this point what they discovered. They were taking pictures measuring areas. Then the news came that no one wanted to hear. They said they found an ectopic pregnancy in my right Fallopian tube and there’s bleeding which meant that my tube had ruptured and I was bleeding internally without even realising. I still can’t get my head around that I was dying as at the time I felt fine maybe a bit tired and sick but that’s it. So I was rushed back up stairs in a wheelchair and got told I needed emergency surgery to remove my baby and my fallopean tube. At this point I felt so emotionally numb and just cooperated with the process. The consultant came in, nurses, anaesthetists all explaining the process. Luckily enough I already have experience with 3 previous surgeries, I knew what was going on. Despite how traumatic this was my brain became numb I couldn’t feel anything or even the fear of that I could die if I don’t do this surgery. I had my 6 week scan around 9am then in emergency surgery by lunchtime. It was definitely a lot to take in one day. But the surgery went well but I lost my baby and my tube. My first pregnancy and the worst would have to happen. Obviously I’m heartbroken that I lost my first child who I will never meet. But I’m struggling to process what happened. Why me? Why is life so unfair to me! I’ve already have a tough life with other traumas I don’t want to deal with another! After this traumatic experience I’m petrified to get pregnant again. I want to have a baby so bad. But I don’t have a personal experience of a successful pregnancy. It will definitely be mentally hard to get pregnant again.
Hi MH92,
I’m sorry to hear about your experience, ectopic pregnancy, and loss. You have had a massive physical and emotional upheaval, and recovery from ectopic pregnancy will take time. Everyone’s path is unique to them, and there is no set timeframe for emotional recovery. There are no “musts” or “shoulds” or deadlines. Grieve as you wish and cry, vent, and release your emotions as you need.
I found that the first few months were the hardest, as I didn’t fully understand why it happened to me. Slowly, the darkest clouds lifted, and I had some ok days and even some good days again. Recovery is not always a smooth path, however. With time though, I began to accept what had happened, and, although we never forget, it is something that is a part of us that we learn to live with.
Your ectopic pregnancy was so recent, and it is still early days in your recovery. For me, I found that writing in a journal did help to process the many elements. I recalled elements of the hospital and recovery and found myself thinking about the family and friends who reached out with support. It helped me to get the words out of my head, and eventually share them with my partner and close friends.
Please allow yourself all the time and space you need to heal and know that you have a supportive environment here for as long as you need. We are here for you any time. These boards are a safe environment to let off steam among people who have been there and understand. Please continue to do so as often as you wish.
With good wishes,
Michele
The Ectopic Pregnancy Trust
Registered Charity Number: 1071811
Ectopic pregnancy patient information suite: Highly Commended in the 2019 BMA Patient Information Awards
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