The rollercoaster of the last eight weeks, Is it truly over or has it just begun? The turbulence of emotions, the constant not knowing, the lack of answers, now is this truly the end?
It all started with the dreaded marina coil, a god send to most women, Start of a nightmare for others.
As soon as I had my “contraception†fitted I had enormous discomfort from the start. 6 months of complete agony that I was assured would settle and become part of my body.
I was in so much pain in the beginning that my doctor referred me to hospital to remove the coil if need be. The physician at the hospital assured me, all was well and it was my body’s natural way of trying to refuse the foreign object and would in time settle.
True to his word, the marina coil did eventually settle, only coursing me discomfort on the rare occasions, but discomfort none-the-less.
2 years had passed, I found myself for the first time settled in a complete, loving and stable relationship, I would go so far as to say, the love of my life. We don’t have huge amounts of money, a house or even a car (at the time), But love kept us happy. You can have nothing, be in love, and be richer than Richard Branson if you have something as special as we do.
One afternoon, I had an episode that unbeknown to me would result in an awakening of how cruel life can be.
Lying upstairs in the bathroom, my body filled with heat, sweat trickling off of my forehead, sickness stirring in my stomach and the excruciating pain shooting through my abdomen.
My stomach was contracting so hard that I couldn’t possibly imagine what was happening in my body. I called for Joe, but In my pain I couldn’t shout very loud and he was in our bedroom, downstairs at the back of the house!
This was not like anything else I had ever felt and I thought that I would, without doubt end up in hospital.
Pulling myself up onto the toilet, i the lent over the sink incase I was sick, and let my stomach contract. After 15mins the pain subsided and I pulled myself together and went downstairs.
Trying to explain my little ordeal, must of seemed far fetched considering I looked fine and couldn’t find the words to explain what had happened.
That evening in the bathroom, sensing that something might have been wrong I decided to check my marina coil was in place and to my amazement, I couldn’t find the strings, I informed Joe of this and it was decided that I’d go straight to my doctor’s.
The next day I was in with my doctor and he told me in confidents, if I wanted a more conclusive result I would be better off going to the family planning clinic, as they deal with these incidents on a daily basis.
The family planning confirmed what I feared, she also could not find the strings, with a negative pregnancy and Chlamydia test I was stuck on an emergency NHS scan list to try and locate my coil.
This emergency appointment was booked 6weeks after my initial appointment, the day I was due to fly black from my 2 week holiday visiting my boyfriend’s parents in Turkey!
One week after the family planning clinic I started to develop some crapping and out of the ordinary prune juice in color, type discharge.
I rang the family planning clinic for some advice, thinking on some level these were symptoms of a misplaced coil. I was booked in for a special coil clinic 2 days later.
My mum came with me for moral support. The lady that I saw was very nice and made me feel very comfortable, I explained I had a pregnancy test already and it came back negative and really thought that they’d be able to locate my coil.
As part of routine procedure I was asked to provide a urine sample. And to my deepest surprise I was told I was pregnant!
Shock went through my body like a bolt of lightning, fear, tears, anger and excitement. I was overwhelmed that this was happening.
Joe always made it clear that children were out of the question, I accepted that, I loved him and I was fine to go along with that as long as I had him.
This would surely change everything, he would hate me, feel like I trapped him! I am nearly 25 years old I’m no longer a child! not old enough that I couldn’t look after a child and not young enough to realize these strong feelings stirring inside me, this desire to be someone’s mother, to have a bond with a life that I created, a bond only a mother and child can hold! A life made from love! A life I could truly love. How would I tell him?
This thought was soon put to a halt, when the nice lady informed me that I was to go straight to hospital, my symptoms weren’t right for a normal pregnancy.
These words other looked in a state of panic and excitement. Outside I rang Joe, he sounded really shocked! But being his cool calm self, he didn’t want to alarm me, though I could hear it in his voice he was. He met me and mum down at the early pregnancy unit.
As calm as he tried to be he wasn’t happy, he wanted to support me but was fighting his own demons, this wasn’t in the plan.
I was told that my hormonal levels were 280, to early to tell if it was a normal pregnancy, miscarriage or an ectopic pregnancy. To me and Joe all we heard was pregnancy!
The way the doctors keep track of this kind of situation is to give you an internal scan and another blood test every 48hrs. The start of the holiday was creeping nearer and nearer. Counting the days till I’d be on sandy beaches, have a sun kissed tan and be a world away from the glorious rat race that we live in.
The first scan reveled nothing, they couldn’t see anything and my hormonal level had dropped to 270, they informed us that I wouldn’t be having a normal pregnancy my levels would at least double not dropped, this pointed to a miscarriage or ectopic.
When me and Joe left the hospital I cried, like a child cries if they lose there favorite toy, my world collapsed around me, the tears poured down my face uncontrollably and I couldn’t quite understand why, but I knew I was crying for the child I knew I wouldn’t have.
Then the soft comforting words from my rock, “baby don’t cry, come here†wrapped in his arms, Joe helped calm the pain.
I was told to come back 48hrs after, there was another problem 48hrs being the first day of our holiday. We decided that it was best I stay and the doctors advised against me flying. Joe had his family that he might not see for well over a year and also he we was flying out with his Nan, if the results went well I said I’d book the next flight out.
The morning of the blood test, scan and flight came I kissed Joe goodbye and said I’d see him soon, this wasn’t the luxurious, long awaited excited moment we had both be waiting for, when he walked through the front door I thought I was strong enough to handle whatever would happen, but the loneliness hit me like tornado, as soon as I heard the latch go.
Off I went heart heavy in my chest, off to another invasive scan and blood test, another inconclusive scan.
This time I was uncomfortable, the doctor never put me at ease, I was nervous, and I was placed in such a position that my legs shook uncontrollably as I sat on a nerve in my legs. Embarrassed and emotional! “We can’t see anything, there’s a chance if you’ve been bleeding that you may have already of passed the tissueâ€.
Well that was enough for me, if they were going to find something, they would have done, I’d had enough they obviously didn’t know what there looking for.
I went home and I booked a ticket for the next day, one way flight to Turkey I texted Joe “see you tomorrowâ€.
I packed my suitcase and fell asleep early I was really tired.
I woke up around 12 o’clock, as I walked to the bathroom, the room was moving, cramps crippled my stomached, the sweat dripping from me in waves, I managed to climb up the stairs to my parents room. “dad, Dad, dad, I need to go the hospital†I couldn’t stand the white spots becoming bigger and bigger, the more energy I used, the weaker I become, so I fell to the floor, the ambulance was called by the time I reached the hospital, I regained focus the cramps subsided, my family by my side. I was taken onto the ward that was over seeing my progress. I texted Joe thart morning and apologized and explained that I had ended up in hospital, the next day after a whole lot of waiting a hospital consultant came to see me, asked me how I felt I said fine, asked if I had I bleed, which I had, for over 7 days, she asked the consultants “ why do you think she is having an ectopic, if she has bleed for more than 7days?â€, she explained that I had tissue that hadn’t passed through the miscarriage which had coursed the complications.
I came home, booked another flight and I was going this time! No more messing around from the hospital.
If I was getting over a miscarriage I wanted to do it with my partner on my holiday that I had worked bloody hard for! So …I booked it and I flew out to Turkey, 10days to relax and get over this horrible thing.
We relaxed, we sun-bathed, we had a boat trip, I read a book, I was truly relaxed! I had 2 awful days of cramps and dizzy spells and a 7 day period of heavy bleeding (not prune juice in colour and I had clots).
My family and I were getting over a miscarriage and this was the break we all deserved.
The day we arrived in England was the day of the original coil scan,
We decided to go to put an end to all of the madness, just to make sure the coil had become removed during the very first incident in the bathroom.
After a long day of traveling, we made our way to the hospital I had 2 scans an internal and an ultra scan she confirmed no coil, no pregnancy you’re in the clear. “One last thing, please take the notes and scan pictures to the early pregnancy unitâ€. Upstairs the doctor took the letter and made it clear that we shouldn’t go until further examination. We were extremely tired and wasn’t going to stay but Joe said “better safe than sorryâ€. I stayed, had my stomach examined and blood test taken, the doctor even said “your stomach’s fine, you seem fine, I wouldn’t worry about your results, we will ring you within a few hoursâ€.
We eventually got home, after a McDonalds and exhausting day of traveling and laid in our bed to chill out and watch some television. After an hour the phone rang, the doctor from the hospital.
“I’m afraid you need to make your way back into hospital immediately, your blood levels have come back at over 1000, which indicates an ectopic pregnancy, I’m really sorry to have to tell you that, I for one am shocked, you seemed fineâ€.
Within the Hour we arrived I was given my bed for the night.
It all happened to quick for sadness to come into my mind, shock! How lucky I am to even survive flying in a pressurized cabin to and from Turkey, not knowing I could have ruptured and had internal bleeding. The shock!
The next morning I was visited by a surgeon that gave me another internal, within seconds he located the ectopic pregnancy, our baby, in my right fallopian tube.
I would need emergency surgery and I could possibly lose my right fallopian tube, I was already aware that I’d lost the little life growing inside me.
Many thoughts and so little time to digest everything.
When everyone had gone and I was left alone, I had only minutes and seconds, to savor the time that this life had in some way try to hold on to, thoughts of what he or she might have become.
When I woke up, I was alone! Eyes cloudy I looked around 7o’clock, I’ve got an hour left before Joe and my family will have to go home. 7.30pm I’m wheeled through the ward, sympathetic faces, I don’t want sympathy I hurt, I ache, not just physically but inside.
Degraded feeling, pissing in a bag, groggy from anestetestic, trouble showering to wash away the tiredness and dirt, and the constant… “it could have been worse!â€, “you could be infertileâ€. “it wasn’t your timeâ€. Will this nightmare ever bloody end.
There are 1 in 80 ladies that go through this traumatic experience, some choose to talk, the majority choose not to. Each to their own and each individual will react in their own way.
With help from more people, more public awareness, more funds available for research, situations like this and a lot worse may be prevented.
I’d like to say thank you to all the staff that helped save my life and a prayer from the little life lost.