I thought I had coped fine but the sadness has just hit me

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I found out I was expecting at 6 weeks at the emergency doctors, and in the same breath that the pregnancy was probably ectopic. Following a week of tests and scans, and the fear and pain that came with it, I had surgery to remove the embryo and my Fallopian tube. Because it all happened so quickly I thought I had escaped the grief and felt philosophical about the whole thing, I knew an awful thing has happened but thought, it’s just one of those things.

Yesterday however, a very dear friend told me she was pregnant. She had very thoughtfully not said anything until now (she is 16 weeks) as she has worked out we were the same number of weeks and didn’t want to upset me. I am so thrilled for her, and excited by her news, but (and she will never know this) it has opened up something inside me and I feel suddenly devastated by my own loss. I feel empty, hollow and that I failed at something so natural. I keep crying and just feel depressed.

Has anyone else had these feelings of thinking they were fine and then being hit by grief very quickly? I feel very alone in my sadness and I desperately don’t want to affect anyone around me.

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So sorry to hear Hun. My ectopic was 6 weeks ago and I feel the same. It sounds like it was a similar experience.

I went to A&E in agony to be told I was pregnant and it was ectopic.

I am struggling to sleep. I sit and relive everything that happened and just sit and cry thinking about it all.

My brother and sister in law had a baby 3 weeks ago and while being sooo happy for them it was just a reminder of what I have lost.

You will experience these emotions Hun :frowning: it’s not nice but it’s something we are just going to have to process. Feel free to message me xxx

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I am so sorry to hear of your ectopic. I too have had an ectopic recently, was treated with Methotrexate on March 6th, and ruptured on March 27th anyways.

I too have also had those feelings you are describing. Two of my close friends have recently given birth, one to twins, and one to a boy. I am so thrilled for them. But, as you have mentioned, I also have sadness, some jealousy, and some fear for my future. This was my first pregnancy. Unwanted, thanks to my IUD, but regardless I’ve planned to start trying for a family in about 7 years time. Since my rupture, that 7 years seems incredibly distant, and almost impossible.

I’ve attempted to talk to my partner about these feelings, and sadly it is difficult for him to understand and be empathetic.

You are not alone. I’m still trying to figure out my feelings, and do not have any suggestions for you… I’m hoping that with every day my sadness decreases a little bit, and I will slowly no longer feel doom about my fertility and my future conception.

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aww Isabel :frowning: It is so hard isn’t it. It is all so fresh. I think we are so quick to think we should be feeling better with a few weeks. We have all been through such a traumatic experience.

Personally I feel so many emotions. They didn’t hit me the first couple of days but when they hit, I couldn’t describe the pain to people.

Feelings of fear that I was close to dying, I already have two children and the fact I was so close to leaving them without a mum eats at me. I am concerned I might be suffering with post traumatic stress, but then I feel it’s still so raw, I need to give myself some time. I am feeling better during the day. It’s nighttime. When I sit quietly and picture everything that happened.

Your ectopic was a week or two after mine, you will start to feel better, slowly but surely.

It feels awful to feel jealous of others having what we have lost but it is to be expected. Im a baby photographer so 3 days a week I am spending with people and their newborns. I have a good cry after each session :frowning:

I’m sorry you don’t feel like you can talk to your partner. There are lots of women here more than happy to talk about it and support you xxx

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Dear Charlottebd333,

I am so sorry to hear of your ectopic pregnancy and loss.

Can I begin by saying thank you for being brave enough to reach out to the Trust. I struggled with the feelings of guilt, grief and loss for two years before I reached out to the Trust but I was so glad I did. Through sharing my experiences and feelings with those who understand how I felt so so helpful and l finally realised that my thoughts and feelings were normal.

Please understand that you are in no way a failure. I know that when I had my ectopic pregnancy I looked for a reason and almost automatically we tend to blame ourselves. From the bottom of my heart, there is nothing you could have done to prevent the ectopic pregnancy from happening. I cannot emphasise enough - you are not to blame.

We hear from many women who struggle with news about pregnancy from their friends and families. This is very normal and I was the same after my loss. When I had my ectopic pregnancy I had to attend a family function and a close family member was heavily pregnant. I spent the whole day and evening avoiding her as I found it too hard to be near her. It’s what I needed to do to get through the day and have some space and please protect your heart in whatever way you need. This does not make us “bad” people and it is possible to be happy for those around us while grieving for our own loss. Pregnancies and babies can be a very stark reminder of what could have been and it can be painful. Please do be gentle with yourself and you can talk to us whenever you need.

The feelings you describe are very understandable. When we experience ectopic pregnancy we are suddenly faced with the ordeal of diagnosis, surgical treatment, losing a pregnancy and concerns about the future. Any one of these is hard to contend with and putting it all together is immense. After a frightening ordeal like ectopic pregnancy, some women find that they suffer from Post Traumatic Stress and symptoms can include anxiety and not being able to focus on everyday things like work. There are a number of avenues that you could look into to get the help that you need.

We at the Trust believe that talking through what happened and your emotions as and when you can helps the healing process. We operate a helpline service and there’s no pressure whatsoever but if you would ever like the opportunity to speak over the phone to someone who has been through a similar experience, do feel free to call, details are below. We can take things at your pace entirely and you are free to ask any questions that are on your mind. You can talk about the ordeal you have been through and express your feelings to vent and let off some steam. We can exchange emails too, if you prefer that route. We’ll simply be here for you, however you wish and for as long as you wish.

In addition, you can ask to see a GP at your practice and ask them to explore ways in which you can get help and this can include referrals for “talking therapies” or counselling. We have information on our website about finding counselling services.

The charity Mind may also be of assistance. They have local centres and support groups and can offer services on a means-tested basis or sometimes free. You can find your local centre following this link if that may be useful too: http://www.mind.org.uk/information-support/local-minds/

There is no time frame for how long it takes us to heal emotionally and it is completely normal to feel anxious about the future. We will never forget our pregnancy or babies but we can learn to accept what has happened and crucially understand that it wasn’t our fault.

Sending much love and warm hugs,

Karen x

If we have been able to help you, are you able to help us with a small donation or by volunteering?

Further information is available at www.ectopic.org.uk

Email us at ept@ectopic.org.uk.

Our helpline is 020 7733 2653 (available Monday to Friday 10am - 4pm).

Detailed medical information can be found on our website. Please remember online medical information is NO SUBSTITUTE for expert medical advice from your own health care team.

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Hi Charlotte, sounds like we are in a very similar situation. After 7 years of trying I finally found out I was pregnant but an hour later a scan confirmed it was ectopic and I would have to lose my baby that I wanted so very much. I lost my right tube too.

Turns out my sister in law is pregnant and we conceived at exactly the same time. She has been very thoughtful about telling me and being careful not to upset me but it is so very hard. She is having her 20 week scan today and it breaks my heart that we could have been at the same stage in our pregnancy. Its also difficult as I really want her to celebrate her pregnancy and not feel bad about sharing news etc, I hate to think I’ve put some sort of a dampener on her joyous news as I am truly happy for her, just sad for me at the same time.

With me at the time I found out I was pregnant, the joy of the news sort of overshadowed the fact that it was going to end, I hope that makes sense. It was only a few weeks later that it hit me. And every period I have makes me sadder and sadder.

Hopefully we will get pregnant again soon.

Sending you lots of love x