Hi Herdy.
Im a newbie on this website and this is my first post. I’m so sorry to hear about what you went through recently. I just went through something similar and as like you, I didn’t know I was pregnant. What an emotional rollercoaster.
I had pain last week and thought it was my period which was a little late and then got a blast of pain on Tues eve the 3rd and left it 26 hours before going to the hospital. I was on holidays in Spain at the time so kept putting it off thinking that it would pass. I went into the hospital thinking it was appendicitis as that’s what the gp had suspected.
The doctors did loads of tests- blood, urine, x-ray, ultrasound and finally an internal ultrasound in the maternity ward. All the while I was thinking it was appendicitis. Because of the language barrier I wasn’t getting any information between tests so it came as a massive shock when I was told that my urine test showed that I was pregnant but they couldn’t see a baby in my uterus. They confirmed that i had an ectopic pregnancy with another blood test and literally took me straight to the operating theatre for a laparoscopy as I was internally bleeding. I barely had time to say bye to my bf not to mind process what was happening.
Like you, I was very matter of fact for the first day or two. I thought that it was what it was and I was lucky that I was diagnosed and treated so fast and came through a life threatening situation. I kept thinking of what I was grateful for- the fact that my bf and I can conceive in the first place and that they only took one fallopian tube so I have a chance to get naturally pregnant again. I also thought how lucky I was that I hadn’t known I was pregnant as it spared me from getting attached to the baby and what could’ve been. It wasn’t until day three when we were in the plane leaving Spain that I was overwhelmed with emotion. I couldn’t help but feel that we were leaving a part of us behind and I sobbed for half the journey home.
We weren’t actively trying to conceive but in saying that we weren’t being very careful either. We just bought a house so we said if it happens now, great.
I’ve gone from not even thinking about being pregnant to looking at my swollen belly (from the laparoscopy) and wishing it was a bump. I didnt think the loss of this would effect me as much as it has.
I’ve learned from other situations that by accepting and allowing myself to feel the emotions that crop up, I cope much better in the long term. I’m trying to put that into practice now.
I completely empathise with you when you talk about others out there who are trying to conceive and then lose their baby and you feel you shouldn’t be upset because you weren’t trying. I thought that too but all I know is that the emotions I feel when I think of the loss are definitely real. I think maybe because I didn’t know about the baby was a blessing one way as it made the whole situation very matter of fact initially. On the other hand I think the reality of what happened is taking a little longer to register as the shock of the news is so big. I don’t even know if that makes sense?
I think you are completely entitled to feel upset. Whether the pregnancy was planned or not, it’s still a loss. Don’t be hard on yourself thinking that you shouldn’t feel a certain way, I imagine that will only make it harder for you.
I am still in the midst of accepting everything that has happened. I’m just going with the flow from one day to the next and what an emotional rollercoaster that is. Surely it’ll calm down over time and I’ll be able to focus on the positives of my situation. My bf and I discussed planting a special tree in our garden and burying my hospital bracelet and a few other bits with it, for the baby we lost. I think that would help make the situation real and help me to move on emotionally. I’m not ready to do that yet but hopefully will be soon enough.
Reading your post helped me. If I can help you in anyway, I’m here.
X