Honouring our lost babies 💖

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Hello to my amazing and strong fellow EP mamas,

After a year TTC, last week my partner and I found out our first ever pregnancy was ectopic. I was 6 weeks pregnant and we’d been so overjoyed when we finally got our positive pregnancy test. Within a week of the positive test, after days of excruciating pain and waiting, my left tube was removed and the whole world had flipped on its axis.

I wanted to ask how others had marked and honoured their lost little ones?

Shortly after my surgery, a nurse had to ask me how I wanted the ‘remains’ to be dealt with, and that I could either let the hospital cremate them (and then dispose of them) or I could collect them myself or have an undertaker collect them. It was an incredibly emotional time and I made it clear I didn’t want anything to be ‘disposed of’. I signed some paperwork to confirm I wanted to make my own arrangements for a cremation so I could honour and remember my little one.

I’m only 5 days since surgery, and haven’t yet plucked up the courage to call a funeral directors, I don’t even know what I’d ask. I worry they’ll tell me it’s too small for a cremation or that they can’t help. I wondered if anyone had been able to have their baby’s remains cremated or how they’d celebrated the short life of their baby?

I’m hopeful we can mark our little one’s life in a special and loving way, and thought others might have stories or advice?

Thank you so much to everyone sharing their experiences, I’m finding so much comfort here- it makes such a difference knowing you’re not alone.

Sending love, strength and hugs to you all xxxx

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Dear hopefulheart,

I am so sorry to hear of your ectopic pregnancy and loss. From your own words, I can only imagine what a frightening experience this must have been and I am so sorry you have had to go through this.

From experiences of other women who post on these forums, I would advise speaking to the hospital chaplains too. They often have good information and advice about honouring your babies loss. This does not have to be religious as they will have experience of helping families from all backgrounds.

Please do not worry about contacting funeral directors, they will help in any way they can.

Unfortunately I have no personal experience with this as I had methotrexate treatment. Some women plant trees or roses in their gardens or special places, some hospitals also have gardens of remembrance. I have a charm bracelet and have a charm of the month of my babies due date. I also buy myself the brightest bunch of flowers on the anniversary of our loss.

Baby loss awareness week is also coming up and we have the wave of light on Saturday 15th October where, if you wish you can light a candle at 7pm in remembrance of your baby. This maybe too soon this year, but I wanted to let you know about it, in case it was something that may bring comfort. There is more information on our website here-

https://ectopic.org.uk/blog/baby-loss-a … -week-2022

You will find something that is right for you and your family. Above all be kind to yourself and allow time to grieve, to heal both physically and emotionally.

We will be here for you for as long as you need,

Sending much love,

Karen x

The Ectopic Pregnancy Trust

Registered Charity Number: 1071811

Ectopic pregnancy patient information suite: Highly Commended in the 2019 BMA Patient Information Awards

During the coronavirus outbreak, The EPT team is still working hard to provide crucial information and support to women and families experiencing ectopic pregnancy as quickly and efficiently as we can.

If we have been able to help you, are you able to help us with a small donation or by volunteering or fundraising?

Further information is available at ectopic.org.uk

Email us: ept@ectopic.org.uk

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Take a look at our newsletters and subscribe to our mailing list here: https://mailchi.mp/986bdd6091ee/ectopic-matters

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I’m so sorry for your loss. We lost our baby three months ago, and I completely understand why it feels too much to call undertakers at this stage.

Our hospital initially told us that it wouldn’t be possible for us to have an individual cremation because our baby was 8 weeks, but then changed their minds and agreed that we could have this. Our baby’s funeral took place two weeks ago. We were able to choose the elements for the funeral service while the hospital chaplains did the practical liasing with the crematorium. We were also able to add items to the casket. We had a picnic wake afterwards at a natural burial ground that is local to us, just the two of us, and we were able to collect the ashes a few days later.

If you are able to go down this route, then - with the hindsight of my experience - I would say firstly, please don’t feel you have to rush this, at a time when your world has imploded. We found it very difficult and extremely emotional choosing the elements for the service, and it would have been impossible for us in the first couple of months after surgery. The hospital should be able to look after your baby for a little while so you have the time to think about what you would like. When you think you might be ready, the hospital chaplains should be able to help you to have an individual cremation. Finally, if you are able to go down this route, check that the information given to the crematorium is correct. We didn’t think to do that but we have just received the cremation certificate and it has the wrong name and wrong date - both upsetting and (it seems) difficult to get corrected.

I’m afraid I have no suggestions for how to celebrate such a short life - that is something we’re still considering. But having the ashes home with us has given us a peace to begin to consider that. I really hope you are able to have a funeral that is right for you and your partner, so you can honour your baby.