Saying Goodbye to our first baby

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So little over 3 weeks ago me and my husband found out my first pregnancy was an ectopic one.

After all the doctors calls we had I just was not prepared for this. After finding out we had an ectopic pregnancy, I was told I have to have surgery as our baby had a heartbeat. The surgery went well, I had my left Fallopian tube removed but lucky was able to keep both ovaries.

My husband and I have now gotten to the stage where we need to think about how we want to say goodbye to our baby.

The options were that we don’t decide how we want our baby to be disposed of or we get to decide.

We choose at the time to decide. So that leaves us with 2 other options where we do a private arrangement or we get the local cemetery to do all of the arrangements with all the other pregnancy losses for that month where no parent is allowed to attend until after it’s all complete.

We are both so stuck because we want opposite things. I think I want something tangible to say goodbye too and be apart of a service with the baby there. My husband wants the same but doesn’t feel strong enough to do all of the arrangements cremation or burial ourselves.

I want to know what other people have done. I hope everyone doesn’t mind that I refer to my ectopic pregnancy as our baby - it is purely because for us it was our first pregnancy and for me our baby was a baby.

Sending love to everyone x

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Dear CTJW29,

I am so sorry to hear of your ectopic pregnancy and loss.

Please do not feel as though you need to apologise for saying your baby. I think for many ladies who are trying to conceive, as soon as they see that line on the pregnancy test, it becomes a baby and this little one is indeed your baby.

I am sorry, I do not have any personal recommendations as my ectopic pregnancy was 11 years ago and we weren’t even asked. If you are having trouble deciding, a person who maybe able to assist is the hospital chaplin, they may also give you ideas about arranging a service so your husband doesn’t feel that pressure arranging services. It would not have to be a religious service if you do not want, chaplains are very knowledgeable and can be great sources of information and comfort in times of grief. If you feel you do not want to speak to the chaplin, you could contact the Patient Advice Liaison Service (PALS) within your hospital to see if they have information on a civil attendant that you could speak to for support and ideas.

Above all be kind to yourself during this difficult time and allow time to grieve, to heal both physically and emotionally.

Sending much love,

Karen x

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Thank you Karen. That’s really helpful. I hope this post helps anyone else going through the same.

Much love.