Hi, I wanted to start by saying that reading all these experiences has made me feel less alone.
I’m 23 years old and I recently had 2 bouts of methotrexate to treat my ectopic pregnancy. I kinda just wanted to share my story because as wonderful as my friends and family are, I don’t really feel up to telling them how much I’m really still struggling with it.
Last September I got engaged to a man and we were excited to start trying to have a baby and have a family together. We’d been rocky being long distance and starting in January had been having more frequent screaming matches. However, in March we were blessed to find out that I was pregnant. I want nothing more than to be a mom. Like, I can’t tell you how much that fills my heart with joy. I was only 6 weeks but we were so excited and started thinking and talking about the baby and what gender it might be and all that (which in hindsight seems foolish now).
On April 10th I was about 5 states away (a 4 hour flight) from my partner and I was experiencing serious cramps and heavy bleeding. He wasn’t really talking to me at the time because he was mad at me and stressed about work, but I finally got through to him and he encouraged me to go to the emergency room. I went and they poked me, looked inside me, all of that fun stuff until they decided it was a spontaneous abortion and that there was no visible amniotic sac in my uterus which there should have been at 7 weeks.
The next month was consumed with more doctor appointments and emergency room visits, while I was trying to balance my job as a first year teacher (and listening to students, who are incredibly intuitive, ask me and start rumors that I was pregnant). Finally, I couldn’t stand in front of a classroom I was in so much pain so I called my doctor and she told me to go to the emergency room immediately (god bless my school leader for understanding and not putting up any sort of fuss). They informed me that they were wrong, that I didn’t in fact have a miscarriage (after I had already begun going through the process of understanding what that meant and fully comprehending that), but actually had an ectopic pregnancy in my left ovary/fallopian tube. And, lucky me, I was a perfect candidate for methotrexate.
Throughout this whole ordeal I’ve been living in a new city that I moved to in the middle of a pandemic, a 2 day drive away from my family and closest friends, and a 4 hour flight from my partner. I never felt so alone or conflicted. I thought that I was killing my baby. The baby that I wanted so badly. Who I already loved so much. I promised to protect that child when I first found out I was pregnant and freaking failed them because my body couldn’t do it’s natural purpose correctly. So I got the first dose of methotrexate on my own, sent my fiance 1000$ so that he could fly out and be with me and we could support one another.
He didn’t come. The first dose of methotrexate (I HATE NEEDLES) didn’t work. The next week they had me come in for my second dose of methotrexate. We were at the end of the school year, my fiance told me it was my fault we lost the child to hurt me (this is one among many reasons we are no longer together), and I was in the middle of proctoring state tests to my small group of students who needed me. So, I left school for 1 hour, got my shot, and went back to work for the rest of the day and next.
I feel like I haven’t had a chance to breathe. I’m faced with probably thousands of dollars in medical bills now (and god bless my parents for being able and willing to help me with those), and the feeling that I not only failed my child but killed her (or him). I hated myself for a long time, and even though my partner at the time didn’t really mean what he said when he told me this was all my fault, I believed him, and that sentiment has kind of stuck with me. My friends just don’t really understand, and that’s not their fault, we just graduated college so it’s not on any of their minds yet, and my mom had a few miscarriages but it’s weird talking to my mom about this. I had been talking to my therapist but as wonderful as she is, she also just doesn’t get it (plus it’s 50$ a week I can not really afford at the moment).
I’m really sorry, I know this was a lot, but I felt like I really just had a lot I needed to get off my chest and I couldn’t find the right avenue. But it’s really helped to know that I’m not alone in a lot of my feelings. I just don’t know what to do next. 2020-2021 was a bit of a rollercoaster.
xo,
c