Feeling guilty - found out at abortion clinic

Main Board
1

Hi Everyone,

I found out I was pregnant about three weeks ago. And we were really struggling with the decision as to whether to keep the baby or not. It would have been an awful time for me to get pregnant, we have no money - we couldn’t have a kid in the flat we live in (it’s up three flights of stairs and I’m disabled - so it’s hard enough without being pregnant) so would have to find a way to move and as I’m the main earner between me and my partner, me being unable to do my quite physical job (I struggle with it anyway, but I can hide my disability at work just about enough to get away with it) for at least a year whilst recovered would have devastated us financially. We both grew up poor and I’ve been homeless - I didn’t want that for my children. Even though I do want kids…

When I went to the clinic for a consultation - every single reason I just typed above seemed to feel stupid, and I realised I was very unlikely to be able to go through with it, I would have to make it work - I was kind of going through the motions, expecting them to give me a date to come back within nine days and take that time to just really accept my decision either way.

But of course, seen as I’m here - the decision was taken out of my hands. They couldn’t find anything in my uterus. On Thursday I was taken in to hospital to have an emergency surgery, my left tube was removed - they told me my right tube is fine.

I keep crying all the time and I’m struggling because I feel like I don’t have a right to cry because I was considering getting rid of it, I didn’t really want a baby - it wasn’t planned - so why am I feeling like this? I’ve been out to the shops with my mother briefly and seeing babies and children is making me want to scream. My partner’s grandmother responded with ‘well you weren’t wanting children anyway’ when he told her. I feel like everyone knows I probably didn’t want it - so they’re kind of judging me now I’m upset.

It’s made me realise how much I would have regretted a termination - but I feel awful. I feel so sad, I keep reading this website and when I get to the bit about going to light a candle or something - it makes me cry so much.

2

Hi Ulorin,

I am so sorry to hear about the difficult time you are having.

Although I didn’t find out my pregnancy was ectopic at an abortion clinic, that was my first stop after I found out I was pregnant. I scheduled my termination but never made it to that appointment as I wound up in the ER a few days later where I had surgery to resolve my ectopic pregnancy.

I struggled with the same feelings of guilt afterwards. I felt like I didn’t deserve to grieve any loss because I made the choice to terminate. Although I didn’t have any doubts about termination before my surgery, afterwards I was devastated that my pregnancy had ended in that way. It was, and still is, very confusing for me. It took me a long time to realize that it didn’t matter what my specific circumstances surrounding my ectopic were, I still did experience a loss and needed to allow myself to feel that sadness and grief. I hope you will be kind enough to yourself to do the same and please know that there are others who know how you are feeling.

Dana

3

Dear Ulorin,

I am so sorry to hear of your ectopic pregnancy and loss.

When we experience ectopic pregnancy we are suddenly faced with a life threatening emergency and it’s treatment, reduction in fertility, concerns about the future and the loss of our babies. Experiencing any one of these is an ordeal, putting them together is immense and your feelings are completely normal. I don’t think these feelings change whether the baby was planned or not, or where you were when your ectopic pregnancy was diagnosed.

Many women experience feelings of isolation after an ectopic pregnancy - I did, too. It is a frightening experience. Like you, I reached out to the Trust for support and I will be here for you to lean on for as long as you need.

Coming to terms with what has happened will take time. You are still in the early weeks of recovery and are physically and emotionally needing to heal.

Experiencing an ectopic pregnancy is a huge ordeal and you are in the early stages of recovery. Your body needs time to heal from your surgery which is in itself a gruelling task. You should take it very easily for about six weeks after surgery. Your body will be using its energies to heal internally. It is normal to feel physically and emotionally exhausted during this time and please do be kind to yourself. Recovery can take time and some days will be better than others, one day you maybe ok and the next you maybe in discomfort or more emotional. This is perfectly usual and the healing process will go back and forth in this way for however long you need. It is important to listen to your body’s signals and pain and feeling tired are your body’s signs to tell you to rest. We suggest keeping a healthy balanced diet, drinking lots of water and resting. Once your wounds have healed, very gentle exercise such as a short walk can help, but please do take this slowly.

There is no timeframe for recovery, please be kind to yourself and allow time to grieve, to heal both physically and emotionally.

Sending much love and warm hugs,

Karen x

If we have been able to help you, are you able to help us with a small donation or by volunteering?

Further information is available at www.ectopic.org.uk

Email us at ept@ectopic.org.uk.

Our helpline is 020 7733 2653 (available Monday to Friday 10am - 4pm).

Detailed medical information can be found on our website. Please remember online medical information is NO SUBSTITUTE for expert medical advice from your own health care team.

4

Hey ladies, hope you are keeping well. I am nearly at my 1 whole year since my ectopic, lost my right tube! I am also 2 weeks from giving birth.

I remember sitting in hospital on the phone with my mum crying not understanding what was the point of this happening.

Although this last year has been tough, emotionally and physically, I now know that I was not ment to have a baby in November. Even though it is only 3 months ago, I have had a challenging first few weeks of the year. My family have had this flu that has been going about which doesn’t sound like much but was very hard as they are my rock! My 2 and a half year old is potty trained, I have a little more money (not much!!). My in laws are stressing me out at the mo but I believe that my baby is arriving in the next few weeks to unite me and my husband, not that we are rowing, his family is so demanding and I think a new baby will bring it home this is were his heart is.

What I am trying to say is that maby you are not ment to have babies right now. You might end this year or next year or whenever expecting and it will be right!

That 3 months I have had to wait to have my baby has in an odd way been a blessing. Please don’t feel an ounce of guilt about your plans for your pregnancys which were ectopic.

Take care xx

5

Ulorin,

Your experience made me feel so much less alone, I also found out about my ectopic while at the abortion clinic.

When I found out I was pregnant, I didn’t even consider keeping it; I’m not sure if I want children at all, plus it would have been a bad time as we had lots of other things going on.

I went to the clinic and explained my symptoms, they referred me to the hospital which then followed with about 3 weeks of blood tests, internal examinations and feeling really ill. The doctors couldn’t find anything in my uterus, but from my bloods knew I was pregnant but they didn’t know where it was. I had to wait until I was about 9 weeks before they could see it on the screen, in my right tube.

It was awful, and I was so confused by my feeling as I didn’t even want to keep the baby in the first place but I felt so sad. I felt so guilty that, although I was upset, I wasn’t completely heartbroken like other women that I had read about. I felt like a heartless monster.

I went back to work when I felt physically better after about 3 weeks. It’s now 4 months later and I think the enormity of the situation has finally hit me.

I am tearful all the time, and although I do not wish that I was pregnant or the outcome was different, I can’t help wondering things like if it would have been a boy or a girl, what we would have named the baby etc. I’m just so confused and my fiancee doesn’t really know what to do to support me. I don’t know what to ask of him either. I’m just a teary mess!

Louise

6

Hey - you’re not alone. I found out I was pregnant on a Tuesday in October, Wednesday I was at the abortion clinic where they couldn’t find the baby but thought it was just too early. Friday I began bleeding, Monday I was in the EPAU and diagnosed with pregnancy of Unknown Location which was later ectopic.

You’re not alone!

Life is messy and unclear sometimes.

X