Don't know how to move forward

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About 2.5 weeks ago I had laparoscopy for an ectopic pregnancy. I am really struggling to deal with everything that happened and the loss.

The baby was very much planned and very loved, even though it was in the early stages. We were ecstatic when we got the positive pregnancy result.

I had very light spotting and was worried something was wrong so went for hcg levels which were all good, but still felt uneasy so went for a scan at which point they couldn’t see the gestational sac so told me to come back in a week. 2 days later I was rushed to casualty with heavier bleeding thinking I was miscarrying. The gynae attending that day diagnosed an ectopic pregnancy on the scan. I was given the option of surgery or methotrexate, but due to the devastation and the feeling of just wanting this over and done with I opted for surgery. It turned out to be the best decision as when they went in they found that it had already ruptured and I had internal bleeding.

Physically I have healed well. But emotionally I am not coping at all. I feel completely cheated. To think that some people who don’t even deserve (child abusers etc) to be parents fall pregnant and carry to full term with no issues just seems so unfair.

On top of that I have several of my friends expecting at the moment and although I am so happy for them and wish them nothing but the best, I also feel resentful that I never got to experience a happy pregnancy and lost my baby. I am dreading the upcoming baby showers for all of them.

I also feel like any joy and hope has been stolen from my future pregnancies. I can never just fall pregnant and be happy again. In the back of my mind there will always be this fear of it being ectopic again or of something else going wrong. It feels like what should be a time filled with joy, will be a time of fear for me.

I have tried talking to a church counsellor as well as a psychologist about this but it feels like no one really gets it. Neither of them even knew what an ectopic pregnancy was so I end up explaining it to them instead of getting to the root of my feelings. I am feeling very alone and absolutely broken by all of this. It’s like no one really understands what I am going through and they all just say things like “Don’t worry you’ll fall pregnant again soon”, which I know is meant to be encouraging but it helps nothing with what I am going through right now.

Any advice on how to move forward? How to overcome the fear and resentment? I am based outside of the UK so unfortunately the hotline is not an option for me

2

Hey

I’m sorry you are going through this and I think many women can relate to everything you’ve said. My ectopic happened in December, diagnosed at 8 weeks pregnant, had methotrexate injection and I bled, had bad contractions for 12 long weeks as my HCG decreased. So March I was back to “normal”.

I’m trying to conceive again, I’m actually going through the two week wait but it is not easy. There is a huge cloud over me. Even if I get pregnant there’s the fear of another ectopic. My experience was traumatic, I didn’t collapse or have surgery but I was told that collapsing and bleeding could happening at any minute. Walking around with possibly dying at any minute is awful. It was like this wanted pregnancy that I had been trying for for a year was deadly to me. Like it could take my life. Not only the baby.

I have had counselling pre ectopic pregnancy and I never felt they understood me which made me dismiss the notion of empathy. Talking to friends has not been helpful. I wrote a poem (you can find on the main board here) which helped a little, told a friend and she said do you have closure now? I was still bleeding loosing my baby and she knew that. How could I be over it? Then people seem to lump it with a simple miscarriage. It’s not. I’ve had people say about trying again all smiley and it’s like they don’t have a clue like its that easy the fear you go through. Then people I know getting pregnant which makes me sad but goodwill towards them.

So only people who have gone through what you have will get it. If I was younger I would not have rushed in to trying again but because my age I know this is my fertility window so I tried just focusing on the possibility of a healthy baby next time. I think if you really want a baby one day all you can do is hold on to that and remember people do go on to have a baby after an ectopic pregnancy.

I don’t think there are easy answers and it is unfair. Life can be hard. We have to ride it and hold on to the good things.

Meg21:
About 2.5 weeks ago I had laparoscopy for an ectopic pregnancy. I am really struggling to deal with everything that happened and the loss.

The baby was very much planned and very loved, even though it was in the early stages. We were ecstatic when we got the positive pregnancy result.

I had very light spotting and was worried something was wrong so went for hcg levels which were all good, but still felt uneasy so went for a scan at which point they couldn’t see the gestational sac so told me to come back in a week. 2 days later I was rushed to casualty with heavier bleeding thinking I was miscarrying. The gynae attending that day diagnosed an ectopic pregnancy on the scan. I was given the option of surgery or methotrexate, but due to the devastation and the feeling of just wanting this over and done with I opted for surgery. It turned out to be the best decision as when they went in they found that it had already ruptured and I had internal bleeding.

Physically I have healed well. But emotionally I am not coping at all. I feel completely cheated. To think that some people who don’t even deserve (child abusers etc) to be parents fall pregnant and carry to full term with no issues just seems so unfair.

On top of that I have several of my friends expecting at the moment and although I am so happy for them and wish them nothing but the best, I also feel resentful that I never got to experience a happy pregnancy and lost my baby. I am dreading the upcoming baby showers for all of them.

I also feel like any joy and hope has been stolen from my future pregnancies. I can never just fall pregnant and be happy again. In the back of my mind there will always be this fear of it being ectopic again or of something else going wrong. It feels like what should be a time filled with joy, will be a time of fear for me.

I have tried talking to a church counsellor as well as a psychologist about this but it feels like no one really gets it. Neither of them even knew what an ectopic pregnancy was so I end up explaining it to them instead of getting to the root of my feelings. I am feeling very alone and absolutely broken by all of this. It’s like no one really understands what I am going through and they all just say things like “Don’t worry you’ll fall pregnant again soon”, which I know is meant to be encouraging but it helps nothing with what I am going through right now.

Any advice on how to move forward? How to overcome the fear and resentment? I am based outside of the UK so unfortunately the hotline is not an option for me

3

Dear Meg,

I am so sorry to hear of your ectopic pregnancy loss,

I totally understand the feeling of being stripped of joy with any future pregnancies following ectopic pregnancy as I certainly felt that too. Ectopic pregnancy affects us in so many ways and you have friends here who understand how you are feeling.

When we experience ectopic pregnancy we are suddenly faced with a life threatening emergency and it’s treatment, reduction in fertility, concerns about the future and the loss of our babies. Experiencing any one of these is an ordeal, putting them together is immense and your feelings are completely normal. For some, an ectopic pregnancy can be very traumatic experience and it can take up to 3 months to even begin to process traumatic events. Please be kind to yourself and allow time to , and to heal both physically and emotionally.

It is normal to feel anxious about the future. We experience a mix of emotions from wanting to try again to being petrified of what may lie ahead. We never forget our experiences or babies but we can learn to accept what happened. It is a slow process that might be weeks or months ahead. In time, we can get to a place where we feel comfortable trying again. When this is, is individual for each person. There is no timeframe for recovery, take each day as it comes. Importantly early scans avail. As soon as you know you are pregnant, contact your local EPU to inform them and book in for an early scan at around six weeks. Remind them of your previous ectopic pregnancy. This self refer route is the best route in our view. Hopefully you will have some comfort to know you are under the radar of medical professionals right away.

These boards are a safe space to share, ask questions, or to vent. They are filled with people who have been through similar experiences and journeys, so please continue to lean on us and we are here for you for as long as you need.

Sending much love,

Karen x

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4

I just want to chime in to say that it is totally ok to skip the baby showers and not feel guilty about it. If you want to help them celebrate, send a nice gift/card, but you don’t have to sit through the events unless you want to.