How to move on from an ectopic pregnancy

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Recently, I found out I was pregnant, something that surprised me a lot. Even though I wasn’t sure if I wanted children, part of me felt happy, and in some way, my husband and I felt closer than ever. We decided it wasn’t the right time to have a baby, so we scheduled a consultation to discuss our options, but we loved our little surprise so much that we weren’t sure what decision to make. That’s when they scheduled an ultrasound, and immediately sent me to the emergency room because of a possible ectopic pregnancy. It was my first pregnancy, and even though my husband was with me, I felt incredibly alone because I had moved from another country to be with him, leaving my family behind. In the ER, they told me I was 5 weeks pregnant and that I could take methotrexate due to the risk of the pregnancy rupturing. I accepted, as the thought of losing a fallopian tube was terrifying. On January 21st, I had my first dose, with hCG levels at 1700, then 2600 on the 21st, 2200 on the 27th, and I am now in the third week of follow-up. The pain and cramps were the worst between the first and second week. Now, the pain is mild, about a 3 or 4 in intensity.

I’ve created a plan to get healthier and move forward, but I don’t have the energy I expected. The relationship with my husband is tense because we both feel drained, sad, unmotivated, and anxious, with no desire to do anything. It’s been 14 days since the treatment, and I don’t know if this is completely normal or if there’s a way to move forward more quickly. I feel guilty and fear that this pain is a punishment for even thinking about not having a baby that I loved so much. I’m also scared of the future and feel like I’ve failed. I’m worried about my relationship with my husband too. I feel insecure and wonder if this will change the love we have for each other.

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Dear sunflowerseed,
I am so sorry to hear of your ectopic pregnancy loss. Especially having to go through this without your support network.
When we experience ectopic pregnancy we are suddenly faced with a life threatening emergency and its treatment, concerns about the future, reduction in fertility and the loss of our baby (whether planned or not). Experiencing any one of these is an ordeal, putting them together is immense and it will take time to work through. Traumatic experiences such as these can take 3 months to.even begin to work through, so don’t feel that you should be feeling better.
Many people are also shocked by how fatigued they feel with methotrexate treatment. This is normal.
There is sadly nothing you can do to prevent ectopic pregnancy and your decision regarding your pregnancy had absolutely nothing to to with it. From the bottom of my heart you are not to blame.
For now, be kind to yourself and allow time to grieve and heal both physically and emotionally. You and your husband have been through a lot. We also have a Mens page he can look at if he wishes for support but in the meantime, just keep an open dialogue.

With regards to future pregnancies, the chances of a further ectopic after a first in UK is 10%. So that’s 90% chance of the embryo being in right place next time.
Importantly early scans avail. As soon as you know you are pregnant, contact your local EPU to inform them and book in for an early scan at around six weeks. Remind them of your previous ectopic pregnancy. This self refer route is the best route in our view. Hopefully you will have some comfort to know you are under the radar of medical professionals right away.

I know you are far away from family and friends, but we will be here for you for as long as you need. We also have email support if you wish (details below), we will simply be here for you.
Sending much love and gentle hugs,
Karen x

The Ectopic Pregnancy Trust

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Ectopic pregnancy patient information suite: Highly Commended in the 2019 BMA Patient Information Awards

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Further information is available on our website.

Email us: ept@ectopic.org.uk

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Detailed medical information can be found on our website. Please remember online medical information is NO SUBSTITUTE for expert medical advice from your own health care team

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Hi sunflowerseed,

I had methotrexate back in July 24 and two weeks on I was only able to sit on the sofa or sleep. The fatigue was unreal, don’t beat yourself up about having no energy.

Nothing about this is your fault and it is a very traumatic time. Unfortunately there is no quick fix, but I hope your levels come down quickly.

Best wishes,
Katie

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Thank you so much, Katie. Your words really mean a lot—it’s comforting to hear from someone who truly understands how tough this process is. I’m feeling much better now, though I know healing isn’t linear, and moving on is something I have to work on every day. I’m taking it one step at a time and giving it my best. I hope you’re doing well too, and I really appreciate you reaching out.

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Dear Karen,

Thank you so much for your kind and compassionate words. This has been such a hard experience, but it has also taught me a lot. Right now, I’m trying to navigate the confusion of not knowing exactly why it happened and whether there’s anything I can do about it moving forward.

On my third-week control, my levels dropped to 50, which really surprised me—I feel happy that things are progressing, but at the same time, I can’t help but feel a bit scared that something else might be wrong. It’s a lot to process, but I’m taking it one step at a time.

I’m truly grateful for your message, your help, and the support this forum provides. It means so much to have a space where people understand and care. Thank you for everything you do.

Sending love,
Sunflowerseed