I am struggling to come to terms with what has just happened! We had been trying for a baby for years and when I found out I was pregnant at the start of June I was ridiculously over the Moon, my partner would tell me how I was glowing and we would talk to my tummy about how happy we were to have our baby in there! I had pregnancy symptoms, squeamish, sore boobs, veiny boobs and I was loving all of them! Last week I noticed I was starting to spot, after a cervix exam they told me my cervix was closed and to come back for my scan 25th of June, my numbers on the day of the scan were 6000 the numbers had been going up well they had started at 71,220, 4000 n odd then 6000 day of scan but during my scan they couldn’t find my baby or any evidence of it and whatsoever. I was not fearing the worst at this point and was hoping it was maybe just hiding. I was told to wait on the consultant to have a chat so I waited for a while then was told o would have my cervix checked again to see if it had opened, i was told if my cervix was still closed it was looking more like ectopic as my numbers were still going up and they should of seen baby on the scan. I had my cervix checked then was told it was still closed they started taking more bloods, by this point I was going into full panic attacks at what was going to happen. They took me to a proper room and I was trying to text my partner to tell him what was happening as he was outside not allowed in because of covid. I was still trying to convince myself they had only put me in this room as the other examination rooms were probably full. The doctor came and put a needle in with the clip and everything and I was told this is just incase you need medicine, at this point I still wasn’t sure what was really happening! The main consultant came in and told me she is sure it’s ectopic after looking at my scan results and she would like to get me into theatre straight away, i told her I want to go and see my partner she allowed this so I ran out to him tried to explain what was happening we were both absolutely crushed. When I went back in she came with the leaflets and consent forms obviously can’t take any of it in and you just have to trust you’re doing the right thing. I was took to surgery about an hour later and I can’t get over what’s happened all I can think about is those lights in theatre knowing this was the end of my baby and I’ve never felt so much guilt in all my life, I feel like I ended my baby’s life my guilt has got even worse after they told me the baby had managed to get all the way to the bottom of my tube and was particularly in the womb, I had to get a very small part of my womb out as well as my only good tube. My partner keeps trying to tell me there is nothing we could of done to save the baby and we need to trust the doctors done the right thing but I can’t shift this guilt and I’m so heart broken I can’t touch my stomach without breaking down all I want is my baby back and for everything to be ok. The pain of the surgery is horrendous the emotional side is even worse and I just don’t know how I can get past this
Hi Emmajdun23,
Just wanted to say that I’ve been through those exact feelings you are currently going through last weekend after having an eptopic pregnancy. The depression, grieve, anger, Blaming yourself, all of those feelings are natural and relevant to time. Feel those feelings and cry those tears in order to move on. Trust me I know it is rough and not an easy pill to swallow but you can and you will get through this and go on to have successful pregnancies!
Sending you love 
and light 
.
Dear godsangel,
I am so sorry to hear of your ectopic pregnancy and loss, by your own words, I can imagine how frightening this must have been for you and I am so sorry you have had to go through this.
When we experience ectopic pregnancy we are suddenly faced with a life threatening emergency and it’s treatment, reduction in fertility, concerns about the future and the loss of our babies. Experiencing any one of these is an ordeal, putting them together is immense and your feelings are completely normal.
As you have been through such a devastating experience, if will take time to come to terms with what has happened. You are still in the early days of recovery and are physically and emotionally needing to heal. This is normal and please do allow time to grieve. Panic attacks and flash backs can be symptoms of post traumatic stress disorder and, while feeling upset is very normal after such a scary experience, if you find you are still struggling on a daily basis after about four weeks, please do speak to your doctors about how you have been feeling.
Following surgery, you should take it very easily for about six weeks. Your body will be using its energies to heal internally. It is normal to feel physically and emotionally exhausted during this time and please do be kind to yourself. Recovery can take time and some days will be better than others, one day you maybe ok and the next you maybe in discomfort or more emotional. This is perfectly usual and the healing process will go back and forth in this way for however long you need. It is important to listen to your body’s signals and pain and feeling tired are your body’s signs to tell you to rest. We suggest keeping a healthy balanced diet, drinking lots of water and resting. Once your wounds have healed, very gentle exercise such as a short walk can help, but please do take this slowly.
I know that when I had my ectopic pregnancy I also looked for a reason and almost automatically we tend to blame ourselves. From the bottom of my heart, there is nothing you could have done to prevent the ectopic pregnancy from happening. I cannot emphasise enough - you are not to blame. Please be kind to yourself and I send you gentle hugs.
Karen x
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Dear Emmajdun23,
I am so incredibly sorry for your loss. I am currently right there with you. I was given metotrexate on June 15th, and ultimately had to go in for surgery about 10 days later for removal of my left tube.
It is ok to be sad, angry, frustrated, etc. The situation is awful. It is devastating. And as much as this won’t help - you couldn’t have done anything. There’s no fault, it just happens which sucks.
Take care of yourself. Accept help and support. I have found chatting on here very helpful. You will come out the other side.
Sending lots of love and positivity to you.
Many thanks for the encouraging words Karen!