Today is my first day at home after leaving hospital yesterday afternoon.
Me and my husband found out we were pregnant on the 14th November this was a planned pregnancy and my first.
I told one close friend who is also my line manager at work so she could cover for me in the upcoming weeks appointments and symptoms etc
Last Sunday 22nd we decided to tell parents then Tuesday morning I had some very slight bleeding after looking online it said it was very common so decided to keep an eye on it during the day it stopped then in the evening it got slightly heavier and redder but still hardly any however as I was worried we requested an out of hours GP to phone us back. After several attempts because the phone lines at their end were so bad we were asked lots of conversations and he said he would contact the EPAU and get them to ring us the following day (25th)
8.50 in the morning the staff nurse phoned I explained about the bleeding and she said because it wasn’t heavy bleeding due to Covid I didn’t meet the criteria to go in and it was basically a wait and see what happens. She was very apologetic and said numerous times how she hated saying it to people and that she knew it want right. We finished the call and I was left feeling even more worried and deflated 2 minutes later she phoned back said she couldn’t leave me like that as she could hear how upset and worried I was and would put me down so I met the criteria they weren’t busy so I could go in in half an hour for a scan.
I arrived at 9.30 and after a long sit in the waiting room alone as my husband wasn’t allowed in I was taken for my blood pressure, height and weight
Back to the waiting room another wait the. I was taken to a room with 3 staff who asked me some questions back to the waiting room
A different nurse came and collected me and explained I was going for a scan but at this stage )just over 7 weeks it’s often hard to see and an internal exam would probably be needed. It was. Where I was told that the pregnancy was ectopic and explained that it was in my Fallopian tube. After I got dressed I got put in a ‘quiet room’ on my own for ‘10 minutes’ whilst she wrote up the measurements about 45minutes later a consultant appeared asking questions (what I couldn’t tell you it was such a blur) I got taken into another room with 3 staff from earlier and this consultant more questions and tests and swabs and blood taken they allowed me to message my husband and a nurse went out to collect him so he could come in.
We were then put in a room and told if I had my surgery by 5 I’d probably be allowed home that day if not I’d have to stay over ( This alone for someone who has never really been in a hospital never mind had surgery or stayed overnight was terrifying enough) the staff nurse was amazing and let my husband stay in the room with me she said she would keep me in her department until theatre was ready so I could stay with him. We had to wait for my Covid results until I could be taken.
An anethasist came and spoke to us and left they came and took more blood and after arriving at the hospital at 9.30 I was given a gown and stockings and a bed was wheeled into the room for me. My husband had to leave at about 3.15 as I was taken to wait for theatre. I didn’t get chance to say bye to the staff nurse or Thankyou
I was wheeled into another room with 5 people ( a different anethatist who spoke to us) and asked aload more question before been put to sleep
I woke up around 2 hours later with 3 strangers in yet another room and spoke to apparently about the operation but I have no recollection of this at all.
I have never been so scared or felt so alone.
I was wheeled onto a ward and given the bag my husband had been brought in where I spent the night I had my blood pressure and temp taken numerous times throughout the evening and night I finally managed to fall asleep at about half 2 to be woken 20minutes later to another patient shouting nodded back off to be woken for my OBS to be checked. I think I got a very broken 2 hours sleep if that in between lights been switched on shouting buzzers etc
The next morning 2 different doctors came to speak to me at around 10 told me I’d be allowed home and mentioned the surgeon had informed me of what had been done etc when I said I had no idea they explained again and showed me photos of what had been removed - my left tube along with the pregnancy - I think this is when it started to fester in my mind that I had lost our baby.
I’m 35 and although in the back of my mind I’ve always wanted at least one child the thought of pregnancy and giving birth always petrified me it was only when me and my husband decided we would start trying as we thought it was getting to a now or never stage that something finally clicked and I realised I wanted this and could do it.
So I had only just accepted that I was pregnant and we were going to have a baby and now I have to start accepting that this isn’t the case and that tiny life has gone already.
I am unsure how I am suppose to feel I don’t want to speak to anybody other than my husband or see them because I don’t know what to say I don’t know how to answer the ‘how are you’ ‘how do you feel’ questions because right now other than the physical pain I just don’t know.
I feel I have rambled and apologise for that but just needed somewhere I could put it down I think even just for myself to come back to and read later