I’ve been wanting to write on here for a while, but I’ve never dared to do so… Reading through all your stories really feels my heart and I know I’m not alone at all in how I’m feeling.
I suffered an Ectopic Pregnancy on the 17th of August 2021. When I first found out I was pregnant I was so shocked. I had the coil fitted so I wasn’t expecting this to happen at all. I went straight to the doctors and they removed my coil and told me this could result in a miscarriage but I didn’t have a choice it had to be removed. I started to feel very dizzy, had shoulder tip pain, abdominal pain, and bleeding. I googled what this could mean and saw Ectopic Pregnancy. I didn’t really understand what this was as I’ve only ever heard of one other person who suffered.
I spoke to 111 and they sent out an ambulance. After examining me they said everything seemed fine, but go and to A&E to be sure. I went and waited hours to be seen. I explained to the nurse my symptoms and she looked me dead in the eye and said ‘you’re probably just having a miscarriage and need to go home I remember at the time feeling so numb and walking out thinking I’m so stupid for even going there. I went back to my partner’s house and just cried, I didn’t know what to do. I had a private scan booked in for Monday, so waited in pain until then. The nurse couldn’t see anything in my uterus. I explained my symptoms and she referred me straight to the hospital. I went and was put in a room for a few hours with lots of doctors and nurses coming in and out, examining me, and then leaving. I was sitting there thinking is this pain real? Am I wasting their time? Do they believe what I’m saying?
The doctor finally came in and said he would like me to stay and monitor for 24 hours and see where my HGC levels were in the morning. The next day the doctor came back and told me I would need emergency surgery so they could see what was going on. He explained they would remove my tubes etc if needed, which at the time I didn’t process. This was my first time having any type of surgery. I was so scared. Because of Covid, I wasn’t allowed anyone except my mum 1 hour before the surgery. Everything went so quickly.
After the surgery, I was taken back to the ward and the nurse told me that it was Ectopic and they had to remove my left Fallopian tube. I just burst into tears. I didn’t know what to say or how to feel. That night was rough after surgery. I got up and went to the toilet and nearly fainted the nurses put me in a wheelchair. My blood pressure was very low, I was so exhausted and in so much pain. I was sick all over the floor and I felt so bad for the nurse (she was so lovely!) I couldn’t stop crying. For the next 2 weeks, I was in bed staring at the tv. Not even watching it just thinking this is my fault. How did I let this happen? Why has this happened to me? What does my future look like now? So many questions go through your mind and at the time I didn’t have any answers. I was so upset and angry at myself.
I’ve come a long way since my ectopic pregnancy. Physically and mentally. I know this wasn’t my fault and there wasn’t anything I could’ve done to prevent this. I’ve had counseling, completed the 10-mile walk for EPT with amazing friends, have a tattoo of my butterfly (my name for the baby), planted a beautiful tree that I can visit whenever I’m feeling sad or alone. These things have helped me for sure, but that doesn’t mean I feel any better about what happened to me. There are some days I don’t even want to get out of bed or talk to anymore. I just want to sit in silence and cry. This month would have been when I was due and it’s bringing back all those emotions I had when it happened, but I know it’s okay!!! It’s okay to not feel okay. Grief comes in waves and at the moment I’m just riding it out. There is no time limit on when you should start to heal and that took me a long time to accept. I’m VERY lucky to have such a supportive family and friends who have been there and still are every day.
The Ectopic Pregnancy Trust is an amazing charity. I’ve spent so much time on the website and forum which at times has honestly saved me. The information they have is incredible.
I hope that anyone who reads this feels like I did reading other people’s stories and know that you are not alone. It’s okay not to be okay! Take as much time as you need for yourself and don’t rush.
It feels good to get this off my chest!