My experience

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I found out I was pregnant with my second child on early Jan this year and was so excited. I started bleeding early Feb whilst unfortunately having covid, I knew I had lost the baby but I couldn’t get seen at the hospital until I’d come out of isolation. It felt awful and I felt so alone like no one else really got how devastating this was. I felt in limbo of me being sure and my husband probably not properly accepting that it had happened until getting confirmation from the hospital.

I ended up delaying my scan because I’d just moved and was trying to get some part of my life sorted out and settle my daughter at her new nursery which had been delayed because of having covid. I just thought I’d be going for the scan to get closure of what I already new was a miscarriage. Unfortunately my husband had then tested positive for covid so couldn’t come with me, but at least my mum was close so could come. I drove into hospital on my own and literally went in with just my coat, not expecting to be told that I had an ectopic pregnancy and there was blood in my pelvis already. I had surgery that day, I remember waking up from surgery thinking that people must be able to come out of surgery relieved because they have hopefully had a problem fixed, and although I’d had life saving surgery, I definitely was not fixed.

I went back to work this week because I didn’t really know what to do with myself. I don’t know when I’ll feel like I am able to safely lift/ carry my daughter (20 months old) and have horrible guilt around not being able to look after her properly. I have feelings of guilt of even thinking about trying again for another baby - like was this one I have just lost not enough and replaceable by having another? My husband doesn’t seem to be grieving like I am (super not fair statement I know as we all grieve in different ways and he had to be the one worrying about me going into surgery), but I find it hard to deal with that too.

Anyway it was helpful just writing this down and it’s been helpful to read other people’s experiences as I’m just trying to understand what happens next and how I recover. Thanks.

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Hi Lauren,

I’m so sorry to hear of your ectopic pregnancy and loss. You have had a massive physical and emotional upheaval, and recovery from ectopic pregnancy will take time. Everyone’s path is unique to them and there is no set timeframe for emotional recovery. There are no “musts” or “shoulds” or deadlines. Grieve as you wish and cry, vent, release your emotions as you need.

I found that the first few months were the hardest, as I didn’t fully understand why it happened to me. Slowly, the darkest clouds lifted and I began to have some ok days and even some good days again sometimes. Recovery is not always a smooth path, however. With time though, I began to accept what had happened and, although we never forget, it is something that is a part of us that we learn to live with.

For me, I found that writing in a journal did help to process the many elements. I found myself recalling elements of the hospital and recovery, and I found myself thinking about the family and friends who reached out with support. It helped me to get the words out of my head, and to eventually share with my partner and close friends. This was important for me because my husband also grieved differently. He thought he was going to lose me, and focused his attention on my wellbeing. I didn’t see him as distraught over the pregnancy, though that was also happening. The journal helped to bring attention to all the feelings.

Your ectopic pregnancy was so recent and it is still early days in your recovery. Please do allow yourself all the time and space that you need to heal and know that you have a supportive environment here for as long as you need. We are here for you any time. These boards are a safe environment to let off steam among people who have been there and understand. Please do continue to do so as often as you wish.

With good wishes,

Michele

The Ectopic Pregnancy Trust

Registered Charity Number: 1071811

Ectopic pregnancy patient information suite: Highly Commended in the 2019 BMA Patient Information Awards

During the coronavirus outbreak, The EPT team is still working hard to provide crucial information and support to women and families experiencing ectopic pregnancy as quickly and efficiently as we can.

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Further information is available at ectopic.org.uk

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Hi Lauren,

Thank you for sharing your story. Reading all theses stories just made me realise that I am not alone in this.

I just found out today that I have an ectopic pregnancy. I am 36 years-old and don’t have any of the known risk factors to ectopic pregnancies. So I couldn’t understand why ‘me’ and on my first attempt to get pregnant.

I have no family nor friends near me (they all live in a different country). It’s just me and my partner. My partner is currently going through something himself and is not at his most stable mentally. So without his support and my own support network, I find it really really really hard to cope with this news.

The reason I decided to write in your post is when you said that the fact that one of your struggle was to deal with your husband’s way of grieving. I am experiencing the same with my partner. He is currently going through a huge career change and he’s returned to full time intensive ‘boot camp style’ education. He is struggling a lot and it has taken a toll on his already low to the ground self esteem. Despite my own struggles and recent personal and professional failures, I was always able to keep a brave face for him. But now, I find it harder than ever.

He does try to support me by saying things like ‘it’s going to be okay’ or ‘the odds are in our favour’ or ‘others have managed so we can too’. Those words just made me think that he is minimising the situation and he is not fully appreciating the great loss of this whole situation - the loss of our baby, the loss of my fertility, potentially the loss of my life. But I know why he says these things. It’s because he is trying to stay positive and not let all the pressure from his own mental health, his course and now his partner on the brink of a mental collapse take over his sanity. So I have to keep a brave face. And it is so hard. I just want to cry every time I think that the only one thing that I ever wanted in life has been compromised and my chances in the future will be reduced permanently.

I am sorry for rambling. Your post just really resonated with me. I could really see myself in your story. I hope you are well and your family too.

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Hi Lyn,

Thanks for sharing your story with me, I also read a lot of other people’s stories (and still do to be honest) after I had my surgery and found it really reassuring to find that people were feeling some of the challenging emotions that I was.

I feel like I’m starting to have more good days than bad days now which is reassuring, though it’s still so hard.

I’m really sorry to hear about your loss and your situation sounds really really hard as well not having a support network close to you. It sounds like it’s a really tough time for your partner too, but equally it can’t be on you to be a rock at the moment. Even though there is not much in place formally at work for women who go through this I feel we can ask for the time off, it’s frustrating that for our partners there isn’t as much understanding from work (or even feel like they can ask).

I know I can’t provide any advice because I’m just as clueless as the next person about dealing with grief, but I just want to say that I hear your grief and it is real and it is difficult. I hope you start to have some good or better days soon. xxx