I was a smoker and during the two weeks that I knew I was pregnant I had the occasional cigarette when I was stressed but had dramatically cut the habit. I have felt utter shame and guilt and embarrassment at the thought that that had anything to do with my experience and the ectopic.
Today in an argument my partner threw that at me, the fact that he’s wanted to bring up the fact that I smoked when I was pregnant but hasn’t.
I’m feeling extremely hurt and I guess I’m looking for reassurance from anyone who might know how it feels to be blamed for something like this by the one person they are looking to for support and love when I’ve been finding this very hard and felt alone with it
Oh that’s harsh. Read through the cycle of grief, anger is natural though shouldn’t be directed at you.
We want to have a reason for pain but I doubt your cigarettes are to blame and if they were what’s done is done. I took the morning after pill and had no clue ectopic was a risk, I also took it a day late which really really increases the risk. I feel like an idiot who brought it on herself. Doctors said it’s just as likely the fibroid blocking my tube is the cause.
Do NOT internalise that blame though. So many women who have healthy pregnancies don’t know they’re pregnant in the early days and scoff soft cheese, alcohol, cigarettes and everything else.
If it’s a consistent blaming on you, that’s absolutely not right. If he’s usually a decent guy it may be that he is just looking for reasons and needs to be educated on both ectopic and grief.
Hang in there X
Hi frankie,
I’m very sorry to hear this. I think your partner is just angry. This is not your fault at all. There are people who have done everything by the book and still end up having an ectopic pregnancy. There are people out there who have loads of the risk associated with an ectopic and ended up not having an ectopic. My first ectopic I smoked and gave up when I fount out. I’ll admit I had a few cigarettes when I started bleeding etc it’s a very scary time! Sadly I think the dads struggle with an ectopic pregnancy as it’s so scary and you know you have to lose your baby. When things calm down hopefully you can talk and deal with this together. We have to remember they feel they have to be strong for us yet hurting just as much. It’s scary and they can’t do anything to help. You need to tell him how you feel sit down and talk as things said in the heat of the moment always come out much harsher then intended. Be kind to him and tell him he needs to be kind to you! Sending lots of love and kindness to you both.
Xxx