TWW after first IVF cycle, no left tube

Preparing For Your Next Pregnancy
1

Hi there,

Not sure if anyone else is in a similar position, but thought I’d throw it out there…

I’m four days into the dreaded TWW after my first ever IVF cycle. I’m nearly 34, I’ve only managed one miscarriage and one ruptured ectopic (that nearly killed me) so far in life, plus IVF will nearly bankrupt us so it’s not been an easy time. Apart from the odd moment when I fear I’m going to have a panic attack, I have rare moments when I feel almost relaxed about the TWW… but I’m worried that’s because I’ve talked myself into believing I’m pregnant, which is very dangerous territory. In truth, I feel more like I’m probably working up to another miscarriage, more than anything else. I’m aware of every twitch in my abdomen, every tired moment and every bloomin’ cake craving. I know; I’m most likely seeing things that aren’t there.

Is anyone else going through something similar? Any tips on keeping both the anxiety and the hope in check? Not sure how much more disappointment I can take, as I flit between being briefly positive to utterly desperate and helpless. (And, sometimes, really friggin’ angry).

Hoping February will be a positive step forward for everyone xxx

2

Hi BraveFace,

Thank you so much for posting, I am 35yo, have had three ectopic pregnancies resulting in the loss of both of my tubes, the last one was March last year. So IVF is the only option for us to have another child, fortunately we are blessed to have a 9yo son already. I have just finished a cycle of IVF so I can really relate to what you are going through. Unfortunately on Monday we got the news that it wasn’t successful for us. To say we’re devastated is an understatement, but each day is slowly getting better.

That TWW after embryo replacement is so much worse than the TWW in a natural cycle! I got through it by keeping myself distracted, I had a quilt I had been meaning to make for years that I finally got started on, and I made chutney too. Are you working at the moment? I’m a midwife, so I took the month off work when I was having the IVF so I had to find things to keep me busy, otherwise I could have just sat around home thinking all the time which would have been really hard on myself.

I found myself thinking I was pregnant during that TWW too, because technically I was (I had a little embryo in me, I just didn’t know if it was still alive), and as IVF is our only option, my chances of it happening again in my life is very limited so I decided I would enjoy it while it lasted (that probably sounds completely crazy!!).

Do you have any frozen embryos? I really hope this works out for you, when do you have your blood test? Please talk whenever you want, I know all too well how lonely and scary a time it can be xxx

3

Hi Oneday,

Thank you so much for your message. It’s really comforting as I feel so isolated at the moment, even from my closest friends; I can’t bring myself to ring them as I end up in hormonal tears, or just unable to share the burden as they’re either preggers or have babies already.

I am so, so sorry to hear about your experiences, but very glad you have a (not-so) little person around to make you smile. I agree the TWW is harder for us, particularly given we’ve had way more than our fair share of them already and there’s so much riding on it given a, our missing bits and b, how rough the whole IVF process is. Egg collection was the Monday before last and transfer was last Saturday, so I’m due to test on Monday. (I’m very swollen so - stupidly - I did an early test yesterday, I think in fear of ectopicing again. It was negative).

I cannot imagine how hard it’s been to do your regular day job with all this weighing on your mind. I only have the faintest inkling of how you must feel, as I’m an editor and had to put together a nursery catalogue during my first miscarriage, right down to picking the cutest baby for the casting. A cruel irony, if ever there was one! Fortunately I’m freelance now so my other half is supporting me while I’m on minimal hours from home. I know how lucky I am to have this flexibility.

They managed to get a few eggs to freeze, although I’m not sure of their quality. The one they transferred was the best, so I’m worrying there may be little hope if the current one doesn’t give it a go. How about you, is there a next step? Would you consider an egg donor? (My friend got pregnant at 48 having had 6 failed IVF cycles (including one ectopic), then got pregnant first time with an egg donor as she was advised her age became pretty relevant). Might be worth considering if it’s an option?

I am so grateful you got in touch. It really has made a difference to me, so thank you and I hope things become brighter xxx

4

I really understand about the isolation, I have lost contact with so many friends since my first ep in August 2013, including someone I thought was my best friend. I think it’s really hard for people to understand if they haven’t been through it themselves, and grief makes people feel very uncomfortable so they prefer to just ignore it. That’s my experience anyway. When it first happened, I just wanted people to sit with me and agree how horrible the situation was, but instead they either completely ignored me, or they would try and cheer me up with stupid comments (I’m sure you know what I’m talking about. If not, I’m pleased you haven’t experienced that).

How are you getting on with the TWW? Not long to go until your blood test now. I know what you mean about losing hope if the first one doesn’t work, it’s supposed to be the best one right? But I have a friend who had a baby girl with her second cycle of IVF, and then tried for a second baby but was unsuccessful many times. On her last try, she had twin boys from her very last blastocyst. So there is hope with not so great embryos.

That’s so great you have good flexibility with your job. Things are slowly improving for me each day, it’s not taking over every waking moment anymore, and I know it wasn’t our only shot. I go back to work on Friday, and I actually don’t feel too bad about it, hopefully it will be ok. This was a privately funded cycle, we are eligible for public funding later in the year which is two cycles, so we still have two chances. We have an embryo frozen from this cycle, but I don’t feel ready to try that just yet. I really need to get back in physical shape because I have put on so much weight with this cycle.

I hope you’re doing ok, not going too stir-crazy xxx

5

Hi Oneday,

How are you getting on this week ahead of the return to work? I was really impressed - and pleased - that you’re getting on with life, no matter how hard that may be. As there’s scope for another couple of goes later in the year, hopefully that can be a focus to get in shape (emotionally as much as anything). My weight ballooned during the hormone injections, which was a bit distressing; having been bed-bound for ages after the ectopic, I piled on the pounds so had to work incredibly hard to shift a stone and a half to get my BMI right so it was disturbing to gain about 6lbs in just a fortnight. Seems to have levelled out now though; I’m too tired for the gym but I walk everywhere and count my calories. (I realise that you’re a midwife, so not trying to teach grandma to suck eggs)! Hope you can do something active that you enjoy that’ll boost your mood too.

My other half talked me into waiting until this morning to do the yest, as there was a bit of confusion about whether we should wait 10 days or 2 weeks after egg collection or transfer. The result was a very weedy, faint positive and the digital test said 1-2 weeks positive, so I’m praying this isn’t just a cruel trick that the cyclogest pessaries can play. He was clearly over the moon, but - given our previous hit rate - I am far more cautious. Very gracious to have this at least, but will contain any celebrations until I’ve had a blood test (and then, of course, 12weeks if we get that far).

I really hope you’re doing okay and that’s not too hard to read. Thank you so much for your support and please get in touch if you want to chat x

PS - completely understand about the friend thing. I realise it’s awkward and tricky for them to know what to say, but I did feel frustrated with resolute optimism; all the ‘it will happen’ stuff when - frankly - we still don’t know if I can have a child, and I needed them to acknowledge that. Also, something that I thought was just really bad form, was one friend would ask me how was I doing and then counter my response with a tale about someone doing worse. Now I realise there are countless people worse off than me - I frequently say ‘at least I’ve got my arms and legs’ in the face of adversity, and try not to wallo - but I think we’re entitled to a degree of hurt and sadness after what we’ve been through (and continue to endure). It felt like misery top trumps! Anyhoo, rant over; just to say I get it, and I’m here to listen if you need to unload xxx

6

And the saga continues… doc tested the same urine sample to be negative, so I have to wait for blood test results. It’s not been a great morning :frowning:

7

Hi BraveFace,

I am so sorry that you are having the run-around with your results, that’s one thing I find SO frustrating with the journey is the waiting and wondering, surely it will go smoothly for us at some stage. I hope you’re coping with the wait OK? I’m so happy for you that you got a positive, I truly hope the blood test comes back positive too.

Thanks for sharing your experience with weight gain during IVF, I believe now that some of the gain is due to the hormones and fluid retention due to that so it shouldn’t be too hard to shift (here’s hoping). I’ve gone back on a weight loss programme which I know works well for me (I don’t think I’m allowed to post brand names), and I’m starting a bootcamp in two weeks. I’ve never done one before so I don’t really know what I’m in for, but I really need it at the moment because in the past I’ve been good at solo exercise, but that’s not working out so great for me at the moment. I love exercise, especially the feeling you get from it and toning up, but I’m just finding it so hard to find the motivation at the moment.

I was feeling ok about going back to work tomorrow, but I met up with some friends from work today and had a disagreement about one of them about breastmilk vs formula which normally wouldn’t have really bothered me. I can guarantee it won’t cross her mind again, and she had no idea I’ve just had an unsuccessful IVF cycle. But I got quite upset by it, moreso because it reminded me that I’m going to be surrounded by pregnant mums and babies again soon, and although I enjoy being a midwife it is such a damn struggle with all of this going on. Aaarrgghh!! Thanks for listening to my rant, I know it’s going to be ok, it’s just hard sometimes.

Oh I hear you on the “at least it’s not as bad as (insert major disaster here)”!! My MIL used to be the worst at that. She used to tell me all the time to be glad I only have one child, knowing how badly I long for another baby. But since the last ep she’s not been so bad. And TBH they’ve been really supportive since the last one, even funding this cycle of IVF.

I really hope you get some good news soon BraveFace, and thank you so much for your support and listening ear (well eyes actually I suppose!), it really is making a huge difference at the moment, and remember I am always here for you to chat to too. xxx

8

Hi Oneday,

I will write back properly over the weekend but just wanted to wish you luck for the return to work tomorrow. Take a few deep breaths if you have any moments where you feel overwhelmed, and don’t be too hard on yourself if you have the odd wobble. Your colleagues should understand; either now, or in time. You are doing a wonderful, memorable job for many, many women so it’s only right you’ll have some good karma coming your way soon.

Hope you get on okay and hang in there xxx

9

Hi BraveFace,

Thanks so much for your support and kind words, I had a sneaky look at the computer at work and was able to see it there (it’s now Friday afternoon here), and it really helped me out. It actually went ok today, much better than I anticipated. It was so different to going back after my eps, I think because I don’t really see the unsuccessful IVF as a loss, much more as a lost opportunity (if that makes sense). I had only told a few of my colleagues I was doing IVF but I think a few more of them knew about it than who I had told, but I don’t mind really because they are all so supportive and of course they all know about all of my eps and the struggles I’ve been having. But I don’t really like to talk about it at work, because I find it much easier to separate my personal and professional life in that respect. Besides I get too upset if I talk about it at work, and then I have to go and care for a mum and baby which hurts far too much, so it’s much better to just turn that side of my life off when I’m at work. I really hope you’re right about good karma coming my way, but I guess only time will tell.

How are you doing? I really hope you’ve had some good news, I’ve got my fingers crossed for you. Either way, I’m here for you. xxx

10

Well done for braving the first day back - I’m sure it’ll get easier with time. I think the whole, horrible ectopic experience cannot fail to toughen people up too, simply because you have to go on somehow, so I’m hoping you can get into ‘the zone’ at work and treat it as a distraction. I’m sure there’ll be some rough days, but your friends at work (plus the lovely people at home!) will lend you a shoulder to cry on when you need it. Where are you based, by the way? I’m in London.

Took me a while to pluck up the courage to write this, as we found out yesterday that the pregnancy is no longer viable. It’s not as if we’d counted our chickens before they’d hatched, but after four positive tests and the positive blood test on Tuesday, I dared to hope and thought that maybe we’d have a little person around this Christmas.

I hadn’t expected the first cycle to work, but it’s been a lot more difficult to accept after ten days when it looked like it might. My HCG fell from 37 on Tuesday to 9 on Friday, so I think that classifies as a chemical pregnancy. Fortunately no drugs or procedures needed, as the little bugger has just given up on its own and didn’t implant properly. I’m not sure why this would be.

I have to wait for a consultation with the doctor (and probably my period) before I know how long we’ll need to delay the next cycle, but the nurse said it’s likely to be at least a couple of months because of the pregnancy hormones.

Think I’ll be a wobbly today, but this week has been punishing. I’m exhausted, sad, and I feel like IVF is endless. I know that’s a crappy thing to say given it’s my first cycle and so many people have been at it for years, but we started the process in November; we’re several grand down; and look where it’s got us. Sorry, I’m evidently feeling a bit bitter too!

I hope you have a good weekend. Thank you for supporting me while things aren’t too rosey!xxx

11

Oh BraveFace, I am so so sorry for your loss, that is absolute rubbish for you (I would use stonger words here, but they would get taken away). I had really hoped it would be good news for you. Don’t ever apologise for how you feel, they are your feelings and you are entitled to feel how you do. Although in saying that, I felt exactly the same way. I didn’t think I should feel so sad after just one cycle when others are still going after many many cycles. I knew if it didn’t work I would feel pretty rubbish, but I was really surprised with just how low I felt when it wasn’t successful. To make matters worse, a couple of hours after we got the news I had to take my mother out of town for a knee operation. So I was away from home by myself in a motel for a couple of nights, and seeing mum come out of theatre all dozy from the anaesthetic was excrutiatingly painful as it reminded me of my surgeries for eps, especially the last one when I lost all hope of conceiving naturally. I just wanted to go screaming out of the hospital and fall in a heap on the floor.

So the first few days, well the first week actually, was really painful and I honestly felt I couldn’t go on and recover from it, but I can honestly say it does get better. Remember you will have lots of hormones floating around your system from the IVF which will be making your grief heightened. I also found it hard to come to terms with, because as far as I knew, my only problem was my fallopian tubes and they are gone now so I should have no trouble conceiving right? I mean everyone I talked to told me it would happen straight away (note the sarcasm due to comments from once again well meaning people telling me stuff they think I want to hear, rather than realistic expectations). Sorry if that last bit sounded bitter. So I really couldn’t understand why it didn’t work because I had done lots of preparation before they IVF and they had the best of the best so it should have implanted and grown into a beautiful human being. But unfortunately (and this is the really sucky part) IVF is still a chances game (which to be honest I didn’t really understand, I thought it should and would work first time for us) with no guarantee of success. I’m sorry if that last statement is not really what you want to hear, I’m obviously still bitter about the whole process too. And personally I hate it when people tell me I’m going to have another baby because no-one in this universe knows that!

But take care of yourself, you need it. Feel how you feel, if you want to blob on the couch all day, do it. It won’t last forever, it is just what you need at the moment. You will find that each day gets a little bit better, a little bit more normal, until you feel ok again. Don’t pressure yourself into thinking too much about the future at the moment, although when you know what your plans are I would love to hear about them.

After going back to work and slotting into “life as normal”, I feel like I want to just put my frozen embryo back sooner, but talking to hubby this morning he was very quick to say wait until IVF in November. So I’m a little conflicted at the moment, but that’s probably just a reaction from being around all those babies and pregnant mums. We see the specialist next Monday so we’ll know a bit more after that. I’m in New Zealand, so it’s Sunday morning here.

Take care, always here to chat. Sending lots and lots of love and hugs at this difficult time xxx

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Thanks Oneday. I hope seeing the specialist gives you some clarity about what’s best to do. As both of us have experienced, the feelings of loss can come and go unexpectedly, so you might need a while to build yourself back up. I’m sure November seems like a lifetime away too, but hopefully you can be in tip-top shape to take it on.

I’m hoping to see the doctor this week to find out what we do now. If the first cycle had failed then I think we could go straight into the next one, but I think the chemical pregnancy mucks things up so things are uncertain again. I got my period this morning. Really struggling today, but I know I have to go through the heartbreak before it gets better.

xxx

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Sorry to hear you’re struggling BraveFace, it’s such a battle at times isn’t it? How are you doing today? I hope the days are beginning to become a little bit brighter for you. Do you know when you’ll see the doctor? I wasn’t aware the chemical pregnancy can delay things, I really hope you don’t have to wait too long for the next cycle. You had some frozen embryos didn’t you? Hopefully they can use one of those, I’ve heard they have great success with frozen embryos now, almost better than with fresh embryos.

You’re right, at the moment November feels like an age away!! But it’s March now (still trying to get my head around that one), so we’re another month closer.

Sending lots of hugs xxx

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Thanks OneDay. Feels like time to pull my socks up and stop moping, but I am still feeling pretty blue. Have a weekend away to look forward to, and hoping some fresh sea air will prove uplifting.

Take good care of yourself and keep plodding on x

15

How are you doing BraveFace? Have you seen the doctor and figured out your next step? How was your weekend away? I’m going away with family for Easter so looking forward to that. The fertility clinic said it’s highly likely that our public IVF cycle will get moved forward from November, but i’m still indecisive about whether to use our last embryo first. DH and I have decided to take it month by month.

Take care xxx

16

It’s very nice to hear from you, Oneday - thank you for checking on me! How are you doing? I hope work is getting a bit easier, and I’m very glad to hear that your public cycle might be moved forward. That’s ace news! Any idea when it might be? Are you feeling ready to take it on? (I’m sure you’re chomping at the bit to get going)!

That’s tricky about the other embryo - so I take it you have one frozen, and it’s a question of whether to pay for using that or sit tight until the public cycle? My consultant said that time frozen doesn’t reduce the quality of embryos, so at least you have that reassurance if you choose to wait. It’s probably worth checking whether the decision would have any influence on your treatment options with the public cycle. (I have a sneaking suspicion that - in the UK - it might delay NHS referral if a patient isn’t deemed to be the strongest candidate for IVF after a failed private cycle). Whatever you decide, I’m rooting for you and will be here to listen :slight_smile:

Unfortunately our getaway was cancelled because of my other half’s work. I think it had been keeping me sane, and I had a bit of a meltdown at home instead. I’m ashamed to say I got pretty hammered and ended up in floods of tears, but perhaps I needed to crack up to move on?! Things have perked up since - I’m back at the gym, I got some unexpected freelance work to keep me occupied and we’ve booked a short break to Dubai that we can’t afford but desperately need! It was a real blow that the consultant recommended waiting for two periods before trying again (so we’re looking at the start of May for the next bout, if my cycle goes back to normal) but it’s meant we can have the holiday and that I have time to shift the good few pounds I put on during IVF. It’ll also mean I don’t look quite so hideous when I’m poolside in a cossie, hopefully!

I hope your Easter break is relaxing and leaves you feeling good. Take care x

17

Hi BraveFace, that’s dumb your weekend away got cancelled, but it sounds like you have a much better one planned. It always amazes me when people talk about going away to these exotic countries that I doubt I will ever get too. I love living in New Zealand but being on an island at the bottom of the world it’s so expensive to travel to other countries. Even travelling down to the South Island of NZ is expensive, often it’s cheaper to go to Australia.

Having our frozen embryo doesn’t affect our public funding. I thought we might have to use it up before using the public IVF, but the clinic said that isn’t the case, and I also had heard that the length of time frozen doesn’t affect the quality so that gives me another reason to leave it there for the time being. I have no idea when our cycle will be and everyday I hopefully think the postie might deliver a letter from the clinic saying it’s moved forward, but nothing so far.

Don’t feel bad about getting hammered and floods of tears, I have done that many times through this journey, and it does help with moving forward just as long as it’s not used as a regular coping mechanism, but I doubt that’s the case with you, you sound too sensible! :stuck_out_tongue: I’m pleased to hear that things are more positive for you and there are some good things happening for you. I’m on another forum on here, you’re more than welcome to join us, it’s “Ectopic, 3 early miscarriages. Starting clomid+ progesterone” It’s a few of us who went through eps and TTC at the same time last year and the ladies on there are amazing women and are very supportive.

My Easter break was amazing and I feel very refreshed after it, and I seem to be able to move on from the IVF a bit more now. However there was a lot of indulgence, so I’ve got a bit of work to get back in shape now, that’s going to be my number one priority.

Take care xxx

18

Hi Oneday,

Thank you so much for writing back and recommending the thread - I wouldn’t want to gatecrash, but will probably take a look for comfort soon! I really hope life is treating you better, and that you’re finding ways to occupy yourself as the wait for your cycle goes on.

We had to wait until now to kick off the IVF process again due to missing periods and HCG levels dropping, so now I’m gearing up to use a frozen embryo as part of my natural cycle. I’ve been going bonkers at the gym and eating an exemplary diet but haven’t lost any weight; I’m choosing to believe that’s the blubber turning to muscle, but it’s frustrating that my efforts aren’t being tangibly rewarded on the scales. Must be doing me good though. Have you got back into a healthy routine? Sounds like you were very focussed, which can only be a good thing.

Trying to remain positive but seem to be struggling with anxiety this time round. Think there’s plenty of reasons why, but I’ve been feeling a bit lonely and isolated recently; with all the uncertainty around dates, I’ve not been able to book anything in with friends for months, and I’m fast running out of people I can see who aren’t either pregnant or have a tiny baby. Anyhoo, life goes on and all that. Plus British summertime finally made an appearance this weekend, so the sun should lift my spirits.

Wishing you all the best xxx

19

Hey braveface,

I just read this whole thread - do come and join us on the thread oneday mentioned. You’re most welcome and would fit right in :smiley:

I totally understand that thing of running out of non-pregnant friends. Right now I know 12 pregnant people! :roll: With the last announcement I felt like even men could start getting pregnant around me! It’s relentless…

See you on the other thread…

Next-time

20

Hi BraveFace,

It’s so good to hear from you again. I’ve been thinking about you and wondering how you have been. I’m so sorry for the delay in replying, it’s coming into winter here and we’ve had lots of staff of sick so I’ve been working lots of extra shifts lately. And we’ve had some computer security problems at work so we can’t access any .uk sites at work. So rude I tell you!!!

I’m so excited you’re doing a FET, when is transfer date? I hear you on the unshiftable weight gain. I’ve been struggling to lose the same few kilos since my IVF cycle, I’ve resorted to hiding my scales for the month because it was just too depressing!! So now I’ve changed my focus from losing weight to living a healthy lifestyle. I’ve heard it’s not good to lose weight before conceiving anyway. I’ve been keeping active but unfortunately had to give up my bootcamp because I’ve been too busy to get there and it was too expensive to keep paying if I’m not going. But on the upside, I’ve ordered a treadmill for home, I am so excited. It probably won’t get here until the end of next week but I’ll just have to be patient.

I empathise with how you feel lonely and isolated, I have felt that way since my first ep in Aug 2013. I’ve lost so many friends through this whole experience, and even relationships with family members have suffered because they just don’t understand how painful it is to have lost my babies and fertility, and that the daily struggle is not over yet. That’s why this forum has been so valuable to me, it’s helped me to know that I’m not alone.

I had been told during our follow up appointment that it was likely that our public cycle would get moved up from November, and I was going a little bit batty checking the mailbox for a letter from them everyday so I phoned the clinic and asked them about it. I was told that it wouldn’t be before June, but could be anytime from then. I hope it’s not too far away, but only time will tell.

I’m so pleased you’ve had a beginning to the summertime, I’m sitting here in my lounge with the fire roaring and a nanna blanket on my knees!!

Take care BraveFace, I am always here to talk to. I promise I won’t take so long next time!!! Let me know when your transfer is :smiley: