Too negative, or realistic?

Preparing For Your Next Pregnancy
1

Hi everyone

I’m just looking for some insight and experiences from ladies who may have been in a similar position to me after experiencing an ectopic. I am naturally a ‘prepare for worst case’ type of person, where my husband is a ‘it’ll all be fine’ type of person and I find alot of people we know are more like him! But I feel like they don’t really understand what I’ve been through and how I need to prepare for the future…

My first ever pregnancy this year turned out to be ectopic. I had my fallopian tube removed, and was subsequently diagnosed with B- blood and endometriosis. In my follow up appointment after surgery, my surgeon gave us six months to try again, rather than the usual 12, before they would want to start tests etc, and she even started talking about IVF as an option.

For me, the fact that I have one damaged tube, endometriosis, half the usual amount of time to try, and a blood type that apparently doesn’t favour pregnancy too well along with the fact that the surgeon was discussing IVF after my first and only pregnancy makes me think that the odds are probably not in our favour. I am adopted myself so the idea of not having my own biological children doesn’t frighten me in the slightest, so I have made my peace with it all and decided not to ‘get my hopes up’ that it’ll happen naturally for us. Putting it in a pretty horrible way because I would never consider adoption to be the worst option, but if I ‘assume the worst and the best happens, it’ll be a bonus’.

My husband, along with the rest of the world it seems, believes ‘everything will be alright’ which frustrates the hell out of me. I am in the process of accepting my body as not being as strong and healthy as I thought, and I feel like everyone is undermining me.

A friend of my Mum tried for her own children for years. She miscarried alot, then went through many cycles of IVF and it never worked for her. She has the same blood type as me, she has endo too, and eventually adopted two incredible kids.

Another friend’s Mum has the same blood type and miscarried more babies than she gave birth too.

Am I being crazy to think the way I’m thinking, and to be getting so frustrated with everyone? When I was diagnosed with endo, I was told ‘isn’t it good that it has never caused you problems?’ And I had to remind that person that it was diagnosed as the reason for my ectopic, and the reason I lost my tube.

Just some thoughts from other women in a similar position would be hugely appreciated…since my ectopic this is all I ever think about and I don’t think anyone around me appreciates that.

Thank you so much xxxx

2

Dear june_13,

When we experience ectopic pregnancy we are suddenly faced with a life threatening emergency and it’s treatment, reduction in fertility, concerns about the future and the loss of our babies, experiencing any one of these is an ordeal, putting them together is immense and your feelings are completely normal.

I completely understand your worry about conceiving but sadly I am not medically trained so cannot give you specific advice on your queries regarding medical issues.

Trying to conceive again can be a challenging time for couples especially after experiencing loss.

While generally it is possible to conceive after an ectopic pregnancy, the amount of time it takes varies from couple to couple. Factors include age, general health, reproductive health and how often you have sex, among other things.

I wish I could give more precise information, but as I do not have access to your and your partner’s medical records, it is difficult for me to provide specific details. Generally, we and many healthcare professionals advise keeping a healthy balanced diet, maintaining a healthy weight and abstaining from alcohol and smoking.

Importantly, help is available if conceiving naturally has not yet been successful after some time trying - and it is good to hear that your Dr has offered help after 6months of trying.

Many women experience feelings of isolation after an ectopic pregnancy - I did, too. Although well-meaning, I also found that friends and family didn’t truly understand how I felt. Ectopic pregnancy It is a frightening experience. Like you, I reached out to the Trust for support and I will be here for you to lean on for as long as you need.

It is normal to feel anxious about the future. We experience a mix of emotions from wanting to try again to being petrified of what may lie ahead. We never forget but we can learn to accept what happened.

Sending much love and warm hugs,

Karen x

If we have been able to help you, are you able to help us with a small donation or by volunteering?

Further information is available at www.ectopic.org.uk

Email us at ept@ectopic.org.uk.

Our helpline is 020 7733 2653 (available Monday to Friday 10am - 4pm).

Detailed medical information can be found on our website. Please remember online medical information is NO SUBSTITUTE for expert medical advice from your own health care team.

3

I think that in your situation, it’s perfectly natural to be thinking the way you are. You’ve got a lot going on and it’s certainly complicated. I think the other people are trying to be positive and uplifting, but probably don’t realize that they might be doing more harm then good. I’ve had to take a similar approach for other things in my life. Learning to just accept that things probably aren’t going to work out like I planned but that the other options are still good, but just different than my original idea. So in short, no i don’t think that your being too negative. Sometimes we have to be very very realistic. I would probably feel the same as you and would want to welcome a happy surprise rather than be disappointed yet again.