Struggling

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I was diagnosed with an ectopic pregnancy and had surgery on Monday. Only 6 days after a positive test - we’d only been trying for a couple months and as it took two years and one miscarriage to have our daughter, we were over the moon. I only told my sister right then - and was ecstatic to learn she’s pregnant too, so we were looking forward to going through everything together.

Then on Friday I started bleeding. Calls to 111, trips to A&E - but I couldn’t get a scan at the weekend and as the bleeding was light and there was no pain I had to wait until Monday. It was all so fast then - a scan, then diagnosis, blood tests, waiting for my husband to come to the hospital, starting to get pain so they said surgery was best. They took out my left tube and I’m just feeling absolutely crushed by the loss, both of the preganancy and the tube. I’m scared I won’t be able to get pregnant again. And also just feeling like I’m absolutely cursed when it comes to having babies - on top of the miscarriage and the ectopic, my beautiful daughter has a rare birth defect. She’s doing pretty well, but it really adds to feeling so overwhelmed by it all.

And I’m seeing my sister this weekend, for the first time in a year (she’s been traveling, and normally lives in Europe, so we don’t see each other as much as we like but are very close). I’m really happy for her, but I’m also scared I’m going to absolutely fall apart because I’m so sad about losing my own pregnancy and so scared about the future.

I know that part of it is just that I’m reeling and trying to figure out how to cope and grieve, but right now I’m feeling so low, crying several times a day. I don’t know what I’m looking for, maybe I just need to talk. But I feel like I’m drowning.

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Dear Littledragon,

I am so sorry to hear of your ectopic pregnancy and loss,

When we experience ectopic pregnancy we are suddenly faced with a life threatening emergency and it’s treatment, reduction in fertility, concerns about the future and the loss of our babies. Experiencing any one of these is an ordeal, putting them together is immense and your feelings are completely normal.

Trying to conceive again can be a challenging time for couples especially after experiencing loss.

Generally, when a person has only one fallopian tube and both ovaries, they are still able to get pregnant from an egg at the opposite ovary as an egg from one ovary can travel down the tube on the other side. The fallopian tubes are not attached to the ovaries and, at the point of ovulation, some very delicate structures called the fimbriae begin to move gently creating a slight vacuum to suck the egg toward the end of the tube it is nearest to (like lots of little fingers waving and drawing the egg towards it). So, if you have only one tube then there is only one set of receptors working and one set of fimbriae creating a vacuum and so the egg is much more likely to find its way to that tube, whichever ovary it is produced from. Conservative estimates suggest that an egg produced on the tubeless side manages to descend the remaining tube around 15 to 20% of the time.

While generally it is possible to conceive after an ectopic pregnancy, the amount of time it takes varies from couple to couple. Factors include age, general health, reproductive health and how often you have sex, among other things.

I wish I could give more precise information, but as I do not have access to your and your partner’s medical records, it is difficult for me to provide specific details. Generally, we and many healthcare professionals advise keeping a healthy balanced diet, maintaining a healthy weight and abstaining from alcohol and smoking.

Importantly, help is available if conceiving naturally has not yet been successful after some time trying - and the EPT advises that women under 35 should seek medical advice following 12 months trying to conceive and those over 35 should seek advice after 6 months.

We hear from many women who struggle with news about pregnancy from their friends and families. This is very normal and I was the same after my loss. When I had my ectopic pregnancy I had to attend a family function and a close family member was heavily pregnant. I spent the whole day and evening avoiding her as I found it too hard to be near her. It’s what I needed to do to get through the day and have some space and please protect your heart in whatever way you need. This does not make us “bad” people and it is possible to be happy for those around us while grieving for our own loss. Pregnancies and babies can be a very stark reminder of what could have been and it can be painful. Please do be gentle with yourself and you can talk to us whenever you need

Whilst it is early stages of your recovery and feeling low is very normal at this stage, if the low days start to outweigh the good please do not hesitate to talk to us or your GP. Many women experience feelings of isolation after an ectopic pregnancy - I did, too. It is a frightening experience. Like you, I reached out to the Trust for support and I will be here for you to lean on for as long as you need.

We at the Trust believe that talking through what happened and your emotions as and when you can helps the healing process. We operate a helpline service and there’s no pressure whatsoever but if you would ever like the opportunity to speak over the phone to someone who has been through a similar experience, do feel free to call, details are below. We can take things at your pace entirely and you are free to ask any questions that are on your mind. You can talk about the ordeal you have been through and express your feelings to vent and let off some steam. We can exchange emails too, if you prefer that route. We’ll simply be here for you, however you wish and for as long as you wish.

In addition, you can ask to see a GP at your practice and ask them to explore ways in which you can get help and this can include referrals for “talking therapies” or counselling. We have information on our website about finding counselling services.

The charity Mind may also be of assistance. They have local centres and support groups and can offer services on a means-tested basis or sometimes free. You can find your local centre following this link if that may be useful too: http://www.mind.org.uk/information-support/local-minds/

We are all here for you,

Sending much love and warm hugs,

Karen x

If we have been able to help you, are you able to help us with a small donation or by volunteering?

Further information is available at www.ectopic.org.uk

Email us at ept@ectopic.org.uk.

Our helpline is 020 7733 2653 (available Monday to Friday 10am - 4pm).

Detailed medical information can be found on our website. Please remember online medical information is NO SUBSTITUTE for expert medical advice from your own health care team.