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Has anyone found that their relationship has completely broken since an ectopic pregnancy?

I was with my husband a good length of time and then we married in March 2020. We were in lockdown and living very happily. We got pregnant very early and were so so excited because we had been actively checking hormones, temps etc… The end of June I went for a dating scan alone (due to covid) I was 8.5 weeks but it was ectopic. It was so awful to have that news alone… my husband was supportive and we chose methotrexate as we thought it was the best option to try and save my tube. I had methotrexate but it didn’t work and I ruptured at 10 weeks and 2 days and had emergency surgery. They saved my left tube as they could not tell if the right tube was ok. I have alot of stomach scarring from bowel surgery as a child and therefore they didn’t want to remove it if the scarring also affected the right tube.

I have been really trying hard to function but the first 8 to 10 weeks were very hard and I was low mood. My husband at 2 weeks post op expected me to be painting and doing things around the home (we had just bought a new home together and moved in 2 days before lockdown). I did do all domestic tasks and the painting to keep him happy but there were times I would sit and cry. He was very closed and wouldn’t talk about it at all. I managed to get 6 counselling sessions through my work and started to process things… and work towards getting better… but I dipped often.

My husband struggled to deal with the emotion just kept saying we will try again in October (once methotrexate was out of my system) … unfortunately… he became more and more moody, controlling and quite insulting… he kept speaking about divorce… he said he took a big risk marrying someone who was 37 and now he doesn’t know if he will have children. He started to say very vile and nasty things… and the more it went on the more low I felt. He also said maybe I lost the baby because I wasn’t meant to be a single mum… that literally made me crack.

I have been trying to put effort in and make it work… I have been working on my low moods and had improved… I also got a new job which gave me a new boost and something to work hard at…

But unfortunately yesterday things came to a head and he said he is divorcing me. He made me leave the home and I am now at my parents. I am so broken and feel that my whole world has been ripped apart not only did I lose my dream of a baby with him back in July… but now I have lost the dream of any future children and also my life with him. I am still waiting for a hycosy to test my tubes… and am really fearful that it will be bad news.

I don’t know how to hold myself together and wondered if there is any advice from people that may have been through something similar but are now in a good place.

I have now thought my only option might be adoption as I wouldn’t be allowed ivf on the NHS without a partner.

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Another point that bothered my husband was the fact I still need to lose 15kg if I am to be eligible for ivf. Nothingness guaranteed and he just saw me as a failure… He is a very black and white thinker. He is very cultured (middle Eastern) and at one point I had even agreed for him to have a second wife if I couldn’t get pregnant… as I was worried he would leave me… and I am not the sort that could accept that… I think I just said it to give us time to get through this together. Now I think his aim is to just find someone younger and he has been so cold and leaves me at home all the time alone and I see myself as just his house worker now and not a wife… I am so sad. I have heard these situations either make or break a couple- but I thought we were strong enough to make it work. I thought we were the real deal :sleepy::sleepy::sleepy:

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Reading your story makes me so sad. At a time when you need the support of your husband more than ever, he has let you down badly. You are not a failure, it is him who has failed you.

The black and white approach is common to men in general, I think. After my operation I was devastated about losing the baby, and my tube, and at 39, the stats about 65% of women being healthily pregnant again in 18 months doesn’t give me much comfort as time is already against me. I read everything I could find, analysed and overanalysed it all as we women do, and panicked a bit! I have a wonderful husband and we plan to try again but talking to him in the early days didn’t really help as it is black & white to him - his approach is ‘the doctors say it’s possible to conceive again after an ectopic, so we will so stop being so negative’. I’d say I’m realistic.

My point is that men and women react differently to situations, however his reaction is extreme. Perhaps he needs to speak to someone to process his emotions and feelings about the ectopic, but right now you deserve much better than this. I hope you are surrounded by good friends and family to support you at this time. I firmly believe that women are stronger than men (emotionally) and whatever happens, you will get through this. Stay strong. Thinking and praying for you! Xx

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Dear SunshineAsh,

I am so sorry to hear of your ectopic pregnancy and loss and of the difficult time you are going through.

I wanted to firstly start by saying that there is nothing you could have done to prevent your ectopic pregnancy from happening. From the bottom of my heart, this is not your fault and I cannot emphasie enough that you are not to blame.

I think your husband was being unreasonable expecting you to recover both physically and emotionally from your ectopic pregnancy.

Experiencing an ectopic pregnancy is a huge ordeal and you are in the early stages of recovery. Your body needs time to heal from your surgery which is in itself a gruelling task. You have also had to process the loss of your baby and been through an immense rollercoaster of emotions - all of this will take time to come to terms with.

We advise that you should take it very easily for about six weeks after surgery. Your body will be using its energies to heal internally. It is normal to feel physically and emotionally exhausted during this time and please do be kind to yourself. Recovery can take time and some days will be better than others, one day you maybe ok and the next you maybe in discomfort or more emotional. This is perfectly usual and the healing process will go back and forth in this way for however long you need. It is important to listen to your body’s signals and pain and feeling tired are your body’s signs to tell you to rest. We suggest keeping a healthy balanced diet, drinking lots of water and resting. Once your wounds have healed, very gentle exercise such as a short walk can help, but please do take this slowly.

For your husband to expect you to complete DIY and painting after such surgery is just unrealistic.

I wonder if perhaps cultural differences are in play here. Having worked aboard for many years, often when a woman is unwell, the extended family step in to help. Perhaps if this did not happen in your circumstance, he felt overwhelmed by everything and therefore struggled and you bore the brunt of that.

We have some excellent threads of the Men’s Space board that are written from a man’s perspective of his partner experiencing ectopic pregnancy. Perhaps he could read these so he is aware that he is not alone in his feelings, also perhaps send him the links from our website about recovery from ectopic pregnancy and the fact that you needing emotional and physical support is normal too.

https://ectopic.org.uk/patients/your-bo … pregnancy/

This however does not excuse his behaviour towards you a you still also require the time to recover both physically and emotionally.

Would couples counselling be a step forward so you can both discuss how you felt in a more structured and supportive way.

Now that you are at your parents, I hope you are getting the support both physically and emotionally that you need.

We will be here for you too. These boards are a safe space to share, ask questions, or to vent. They are filled with people who have been through similar experiences and journeys, and we are here for you for as long as you need.

If needed, we operate a helpline service and there’s no pressure whatsoever but if you would ever like the opportunity to speak over the phone to someone who has been through a similar experience, do feel free to call, details are below. We can take things at your pace entirely and you are free to ask any questions that are on your mind. You can talk about the ordeal you have been through and express your feelings to vent and let off some steam. We can exchange emails too, if you prefer that route. We’ll simply be here for you, however you wish and for as long as you wish.

The charity Mind may also be of assistance. They have local centres and support groups and can offer services on a means-tested basis or sometimes free. You can find your local centre following this link if that may be useful too: http://www.mind.org.uk/information-support/local-minds/

Sending much love and warm hugs,

Karen x

The Ectopic Pregnancy Trust

Registered Charity Number: 1071811

Ectopic pregnancy patient information suite: Highly Commended in the 2019 BMA Patient Information Awards

During the coronavirus outbreak, The EPT team is still working hard to provide crucial information and support to women and families experiencing ectopic pregnancy as quickly and efficiently as we can.

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Further information is available at ectopic.org.uk

Email us: ept@ectopic.org.uk

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Detailed medical information can be found on our website. Please remember online medical information is NO SUBSTITUTE for expert medical advice from your own health care team