Reality

[Jemma]

Where to begin?

First of all English is not my first language, I was raised both Dutch and English so it might be a bit hard to read at times, I’m sorry if it is and thank you if you still take the time to read my story <3

I need to write this down, because It’s comforting to for once tell my story in silence out loud…

without family and friends trying to comfort me and find solutions for something that isn’t a problem…but an experience…

And a very tough one…

I know they mean well and I love them very much.

I just sometimes don’t want to be comforted, I just want to feel what I feel without thinking I can’t feel like this…

And maybe talk to people who can relate to what I’m feeling.

I don’t know any women who have had the same experience as I had, about 5 months ago.

I knew I was pregnant last May. The tests were negative at first but I just knew…everything felt different

Then I tested positive…finally…just after my 29th birthday on the 30th of May - what a big surprise - how could I get this lucky?

My sister had been trying to get pregnant over 4 years and I felt bad at first because we were only just trying for a few months.

I decided to donate my urine to the hospital for fertility treatments and to help women like my sister who can’t get pregnant that easy.

(this is very common in the Netherlands - where I live - to do when you’re pregnant)

Not knowing I would become one of them just a few weeks later.

I felt good - being pregnant - I’ve always had stomach aches because of my IBS - Irritable bowel syndrome

but I didn’t care so much for anything but my baby growing inside of me

I welcomed all symptoms as it was a sign of a good pregnancy - I felt so much at ease, nothing could get me off my cloud 9 at that moment.

One morning I woke up from a very bad nightmare.

Since the pregnancy my dreams had gotten more vivid and weird…but this one was so scary;

I was sitting on the floor of what appeared to be an operating room or something at a hospital.

I saw myself in a pool of blood, looking for something, I was crying.

Someone asked me what I was doing and I said I had lost my little baby, they couldn’t find it anymore.

Then I saw it laying in the blood and picked it up very carefully saying; ‘Oh there it is.’

Then I woke up.

I was crying, my hands on my belly - I tried to assure myself it’s probably just my hormones playing tricks on me.

But that day my stomach aches gotten worse and I went to see the doctor.

I was 8 weeks pregnant.

As he tried to do his check up, I screamed in pain and he looked at me worried.

I needed to rush to the hospital - he thinks it may be an ectopic pregnancy…at that time I didn’t even really knew what that was.

I heard of it vaguely…

In the car I couldn’t believe it might be wrong - I tried to convince myself out loud it’s probably nothing - just my IBS acting up.

My boyfriend just came out of his night shift from work, fast asleep, as I woke him up to drive me to the hospital.

He couldn’t believe it either, must be something else.

I told him about the bad dream, I was so scared.

In the hospital I had to lay down for an ultrasound.

As we looked at my uterus showing nothing, I couldn’t stop the tears rolling down my face

‘Where did you go? Why are you not there, where are you?’

My HCG level was very high, almost 2000.

They had to operate on me immediately and I couldn’t stop crying, I didn’t want them to harm my baby, I couldn’t believe what was happening, it was a living hell.

Going into surgery crying and waking up from it crying, I couldn’t stop.

The doctor told me the baby was in my left tube, it was ruptured and they removed it.

It ended there and it all began there too…because ever since this happened I haven’t been able to be ‘myself’ again…

The past couple of months were terrible and it’s like I can’t pick up where I left off…I’m gone, dead on the inside…

I miss my baby…I miss being pregnant.

My boyfriend and I talk about this a lot and comfort each other all the time, but I still can’t seem to see any better days ahead.

My due date was February 5th 2015 - I feel like there is a parallel universe where I am still happily pregnant and where nothing of this nightmare came true.

In reality I need to understand what happened and try and find myself again.

Find my smiles again…even though I’m hurt, it’s okay to be hurt, I can be hurt for the rest of my life, as long as I can

find happiness as well…

At this moment I can’t believe I will ever find happiness again.

Is it too early?

Will I return to myself?

Is there anyone out there who can tell me if it’s going to get better eventually?

<3

Love,

Jem

[Redfairy]

Hi Jem,

First of all, your English is better than mine, and I’m from Yorkshire! You put your feelings so eloquently.

I suffered an ectopic in July this year, and have been through the exact same rollercoaster of emotions you describe. I started with all bad days, particularly when I was still healing physically… I would cry with the pain then just cry for my lost baby. Then I started to have some good days, and gradually they became more frequent. Now, thankfully, I have more good days than bad.

You will never forget your angel baby, but it does, I promise you, with love, help and support from those around you, get better.

And there’s always this forum for support from others who have been there.

Wishing you all the best,

Redfairy x

[Jemma]

Thank you so much for your sweet reply, Redfairy and sweet compliment

I’m so sorry for your loss too, it does help me to read that it has gotten better for you!

It kinda (surprisingly) gotten much better for me too!

I just got back from a little holiday in Tenerife, Spain - we wanted to get away and since it all happened during the Summer

I never got the chance to take a break with my boyfriend.

To be away for a while, on a beautiful Island with warmth, sea and sun was not something I felt like doing…but we bought our tickets

so I might as well go and try and make the best of it.

But I didn’t have very high hopes.

Before I left last week I felt as I described in my first post; caught in the midst of endless suffering.

Like hell, but worse…

The anger, the sadness, depression, not knowing myself anymore, even thoughts of not wanting to be here anymore, because; what was the point, really?

It all changed as I came back the day before yesterday.

I read a book that made me rethink about (my) life, it’s called; ‘Many Lives, Many Masters’

(it is a beautiful book)

I made a play-list with my favorite songs, it all helped me heal bit by bit.

Instead of only talking to my boyfriend about everything, we found room to smile, to even laugh and of course cry some more

Let those feelings in and through.

It was sunny at first and stormy later on in the week.

So many different feelings…

On the return flight we we’re (boyfriend and I) not sitting next to each other, we couldn’t even see each other.

There were some problems with our tickets and we couldn’t check in until 20 min before the flight left so we had to rush

and had assigned seats.

I had a window seat and was reading my book, the last few chapters.

I told myself I needed to fix this situation, because I was dragging myself and us down.

I looked up and told our baby in my mind that I would never let go, but I did need to go on…somehow…

We were flying above the ocean, for a couple of hours, no land in sight on the map on screen, as I looked through the window

and suddenly saw the smallest deserted Island, nothing on it, no trees, no ‘life’, just a crater in the shape of a fetus on the left side of the Island. (I don’t even know what land it belongs to)

My eyes filled with tears (Oh, even now, again) but this time not just sadness but relief and I said to my baby that I will leave my pain and sadness right there, on our own deserted Island, where no one can ever harm us again and we can only feel love and be as one.

As we flew by I took a picture of the Island. I carry it with me, it is the most precious proof of how our baby was here, on earth

and will ‘live on’ with us forever.

It was such a spiritual experience and I later on finished my book, smiling, I can still be sad if I want to, I can cry and I can be angry, but

somehow I don’t really want to anymore, not like before.

It is OK…it has happened…I am alive and blessed to have carried this beautiful soul and maybe one day…perhaps…again <3

Thank you for helping me in ways you can’t even imagine

[Avis]

Hi Jemma,

I just wanted to say you have a really beautiful way with words and i think the way you’ve chosen to leave your pain and sadness on the island is truly to be admired.

My would have been due date has just past and it was a sad day but I have to just think that this is the way its supposed to be, babies don’t have to be born to change lives. Having an EP was a truly horrendous experience and not something i would wish on anyone but it has changed the way i look at life and maybe that’s why it has happened to me. It’s a miracle anyone is here when you look at how many pregnancies don’t go full term.

After reading your posts i had to comment, you seem like a really grounded person and i wish you and your boyfriend all the best

Take care of yourself.

xxx

[Jemma]

Thank you so much for your sweet comment Avis warms my heart!

I feel the same way. My would be due date

Is the 5th of February. I hope to have just as much strength gathered as you by then.

Take care x

[basta]

Jemma:
Thank you so much for your sweet reply, Redfairy and sweet compliment

I’m so sorry for your loss too, it does help me to read that it has gotten better for you!

It kinda (surprisingly) gotten much better for me too!

I just got back from a little holiday in Tenerife, Spain - we wanted to get away and since it all happened during the Summer

I never got the chance to take a break with my boyfriend.

[Paris airport transfers

To be away for a while, on a beautiful Island with warmth, sea and sun was not something I felt like doing…but we bought our tickets

so I might as well go and try and make the best of it.

But I didn’t have very high hopes.

Before I left last week I felt as I described in my first post; caught in the midst of endless suffering.

Like [heck], but worse…

The anger, the sadness, depression, not knowing myself anymore, even thoughts of not wanting to be here anymore, because; what was the point, really?

It all changed as I came back the day before yesterday.

I read a book that made me rethink about (my) life, it’s called; ‘Many Lives, Many Masters’

(it is a beautiful book)

I made a play-list with my favorite songs, it all helped me heal bit by bit.

Instead of only talking to my boyfriend about everything, we found room to smile, to even laugh and of course cry some more

Let those feelings in and through.

It was sunny at first and stormy later on in the week.

So many different feelings…

On the return flight we we’re (boyfriend and I) not sitting next to each other, we couldn’t even see each other.

There were some problems with our tickets and we couldn’t check in until 20 min before the flight left so we had to rush

and had assigned seats.

I had a window seat and was reading my book, the last few chapters.

I told myself I needed to fix this situation, because I was dragging myself and us down.

I looked up and told our baby in my mind that I would never let go, but I did need to go on…somehow…

We were flying above the ocean, for a couple of hours, no land in sight on the map on screen, as I looked through the window

and suddenly saw the smallest deserted Island, nothing on it, no trees, no ‘life’, just a crater in the shape of a fetus on the left side of the Island. (I don’t even know what land it belongs to)

My eyes filled with tears (Oh, even now, again) but this time not just sadness but relief and I said to my baby that I will leave my pain and sadness right there, on our own deserted Island, where no one can ever harm us again and we can only feel love and be as one.

As we flew by I took a picture of the Island. I carry it with me, it is the most precious proof of how our baby was here, on earth

and will ‘live on’ with us forever.

It was such a spiritual experience and I later on finished my book, smiling, I can still be sad if I want to, I can cry and I can be angry, but

somehow I don’t really want to anymore, not like before.

It is OK…it has happened…I am alive and blessed to have carried this beautiful soul and maybe one day…perhaps…again <3

Thank you for helping me in ways you can’t even imagine :)[/quote]

On the arrival flight we we’re (sweetheart and I) not sitting by one another, we couldn’t even see one another.

There were a few issues with our tickets and we couldn’t weigh in until 20 min before the flight left so we needed to surge

also, had doled out seats.

I had a seat by the window and was perusing my book, the last couple of parts.

I let myself know I expected to alter this circumstance, on the grounds that I was dragging myself and us down.

I turned upward and told our child in my brain that I would never give up, however I did need to go on…somehow…](http://www.shuttle-paris-airports.com/)