How I feel

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1

Hi everyone,

I’m new to this but I really feel like reaching out is the next step which can help me feel better about my current situation.

In the last month I found out I was 5 weeks pregnant but after finding out the next day I was up a&e bleeding and in pain on my left hip,after being admitted to hospital twice, being told I had pregnancy of unknown location, a suspected miscarriage many scans and loads of blood tests that I am going through an ectopic pregnancy on my left tube, obviously because of Covid-19 I’ve had to deal with it all by myself and I think that’s what I’m finding the hardest

I had the methotrexate over a week ago and my hcg levels are finally declining.

Is it normal to feel so emotional and hurt at everything around you??

And people not understanding what my bodies going through?

I feel resentment to everything especially lately and I didn’t realise everything around me is either pregnancy, bumps, birth or baby related in general and it’s breaking my heart knowing my baby will never be here.

Fighting back the tears all the time as I feel did I do something to deserve this I know it will take time to get through but does the pain ever go away

I hope there’s many more people who have been through what I have and can advice me the best and what my next step forward should be I really do appreciate it all.

I also feel there’s not enough awareness about ectopic pregnancy so I’m glad there’s somewhere like this I can go and would like to hear other people’s story’s and their journeys

It’s bitter sweet that were a horrible situation having to deal with this but I’m grateful that I can speak to other people going through this

Many thanks xx

2

Hi

It’s defo normal to feel emotional!!

Uve had great news, then crushing news & risky news about urself. It’s an awful time & thing to go through.

What you feel, I have felt & feel aswell. When things were really raw for me even the Prime Minister was having a baby, I felt it was cruel & cudnt deal with it.

I still can’t deal with it now if I’m honest but slowly things get easier.

It’s such a horrible outcome to deal with, with no real closure from a medical point.

Take things slow, be open with how u feel & talk to friends & family if you can.

X

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Thank you for sharing your experience and pain. My ectopic experience is still on-going - I am going into 5 months now and my numbers just started going back up! :frowning: For me the emotional part was not about it being a non-viable pregnancy, but it is about waiting for my body to go back to normal. It is so scary waiting each week hoping the numbers go down, and hoping I don’t rupture. I feel like I can’t use my body normally right now. I am afraid to workout, afraid to have sex, feel guilty about eating healthy because apparently you shuoldnt do that with ectopic… SO many restrictions… I am just so fed up and tired of this waiting game! Meanwhile, I have actually realized that I DO want to have a baby now, and I can’t even try yet!! I was told this was only going to take a couple months for it to go away, but it has taken way longer :frowning:

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Dear Georgiaclancy,

I am so sorry to hear of your ectopic pregnancy and loss,

When we experience ectopic pregnancy we are suddenly faced with a life threatening emergency and it’s treatment, reduction in fertility, concerns about the future and the loss of our babies. Experiencing any one of these is an ordeal, putting them together is immense and your feelings are completely normal. It can take around 3 months to start processing a traumatic event, so do not feel pressured into feeling a particular way, take each day as it comes.

It is also very normal not to want to be around pregnancy or babies after loss. When I had my ectopic pregnancy I had to attend a family function and a close family member was heavily pregnant. I spent the whole day and evening avoiding her as I found it too hard to be near her. It’s what I needed to do to get through the day and have some space and please protect your heart in whatever way you need. This does not make us “bad” people and it is possible to be happy for those around us while grieving for our own loss. Pregnancies and babies can be a very stark reminder of what could have been and it can be painful. Please do be gentle with yourself and you can talk to us whenever you need.

The next step is being kind to yourself, you do not need to hold back the tears, if you feel you need to cry then do. Give yourself time to grieve, to heal both physically and emotionally.

We will be here for you for as long as you need,

Sending much love and warm hugs,

Karen x

The Ectopic Pregnancy Trust

Registered Charity Number: 1071811

Ectopic pregnancy patient information suite: Highly Commended in the 2019 BMA Patient Information Awards

During the coronavirus outbreak, The EPT team is still working hard to provide crucial information and support to women and families experiencing ectopic pregnancy as quickly and efficiently as we can.

If we have been able to help you, are you able to help us with a small donation or by volunteering or fundraising?

Further information is available at ectopic.org.uk

Email us: ept@ectopic.org.uk

We provide a call-back helpline service: 020 7733 2653

Take a look at our newsletters and subscribe to our mailing list here: https://mailchi.mp/986bdd6091ee/ectopic-matters

Detailed medical information can be found on our website. Please remember online medical information is NO SUBSTITUTE for expert medical advice from your own health care team

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Thank you so much to you all for replying back to me I really appreciate it.

I’m so glad that use have reached out and can help me as right now this is possibly one of the hardest things I have ever dealt with and if I’m honest I’m not coping very well.

It’s nice to know that other people feel how I do and honestly I just feel as much as I am happy for these people on the next chapter that my chance was taken from me.

I’m trying to be open with my close family and friends If I’m honest I just don’t want the 21 questions or the feeling pity for me so I’ve only told a few people.

But then on the other hand I feel like so much more can be done to help people like us out like I never even knew what an ectopic pregnancy was that was never said to me until I was at the hospital and has been admitted

Swanwars2206 I’m here if you need to talk sometimes I think speaking to people who have been through it or going through it can help that’s why I reached out on here

I’m sorry you’ve gone through this and I hope you can get through it :heart:

Emilymilani im so sorry your going though this and to still have this going on for so long

5 months and you had the injection I’m so sorry your going through this horrible situation have they told you what could be causing your numbers to go back up??

And that’s the scariest part is the not knowing wether your numbers are dropping or wether any pain or stuff is my tube rupturing this whole experience has terrified me and I’m still going through it I ended up in A&E on Saturday because the blood clots were massive and the pain was unbearable but it eased off and I got told it could be contractions as my body is pushing it out the only good thing is my numbers are going down but then it makes me have a mixture of emotions knowing that this will all be over

I’m so scared of what I can eat, what I can and can’t do and as for sex I don’t even wanna think about it but then I’m scared that I’m gonna push my fiancé away because the thought of sex is scaring me so much because I’m worried it could happen again or something else

I hate these feelings and I wonder why me so much

If you ever need to talk I’m here :heart:

Thank you so much for replying to me EPT host 20

The emotions and the crying I can’t control I’ve cried so many times I even cried reading what use replied to me

It’s gonna take a while to process it all because my journey has been a whirlwind

I think that’s worrying me to being around other family and friends who at the moment don’t know and that questions when you having a baby comes up I reckon I’ll break down as much as I want people to know right now I wanna focus on me and getting myself okay

I do feel I need to reach out and talk to somebody because I know it’s normal to feel sad and upset but no body tells you how you really truly feel like within your body, your deep rooted emotions

The resentment

The thoughts and feelings

But most of all it’s hard to explain exactly how you feel because most people don’t understand

I find it hard to tell people this is what’s happening to me because they just look at me and go well it could be this or you tried this

I’m trying hard to deal with it the best I can but right now I feel so misunderstood and like I’m so alone dealing with this.

Covid-19 has not helped as all my scans, blood tests and stuff I was by myself and I had to be strong then but right now being strong feels so far away

Thank you so much for replying it means more than use would know xx

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Hey,

I had a very similar situation to you. I should of been roughly 5/6 weeks pregnant and 2 days later after finding out I ended up in a&e due to a bleed. I was sent home and was asked to come back after the weekend for a blood test. My HCG was low so I was told I was most likely having a miscarriage and that broke my heart but i was coming to terms with that was the way it was going to be and I couldn’t stop it. I was then asked to come back but this time my HCG was rising but nothing could be seen on ultra. I then started to have some hope and thought my baby was ok it was just to early. After 2 weeks of contiounsly going backwards and forwards and a hospital admission a scan picked up the pregnancy in my right tube. I had surgery 24 hours later.

I was lucky my partner was allowed to be there for the before and after surgery but every nerve wrecking appoinment leading up to it and finding out I was alone.

Just like you I resent a lot of things going on around me. A lot of people I know are announcing their pregnancies on social media and of course I’m happy for them but the thought of “that should of been me” is always on my mind. I also work in a pregnancy clinic so I’m surrounded by it all the time. My partner has a little boy from a previous relationship and I’m struggling to accept he feels the same as I do. (This was my first pregnancy).

Im sorry you are going through this and its one of the loneliest things I’ve ever experienced and I dont know if it will help you but I write my little dot letters. It’s a big comfort. I take time to myself, put some music on and just write. Sometimes I cry, sometimes i smile but i take this as my time to grieve. I know talking is hard but talk to your partner, family and people you trust. I’m glad you had the courage to post your story. Like you said its bittersweet but its nice to know were not alone.

I wish you all the best for the future xxx

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I’m so sorry you had to go through all that I hope your okay?

And I’m finding it so hard because when I was told it was a suspected miscarriage I like you prepared myself and I come to terms with it there’s nothing I could of done to prevent it, it would of been natures way.

I feel so emotional all the time about what could or should of been and the feelings I have I just feel horrible all the time. The only was I can describe it is I feel so lost and alone trying to process it but I just feel like there’s not an ending I’m sorry.

That’s the thing with coronavirus which I complete understand they are putting measures in place but for me personally I feel especially hearing the news I found out that my fiancé should of been able to be there and hold my hand, wipe the tears away, give me a cuddle and ask the questions he wants answers to because doing it alone your so in the moment you don’t really take it all in and you forget to ask questions. My main thing is that I did it alone and being strong when really inside your breaking is so hard and to have doctors talking to you when really you want the ground to swallow you up is just horrible

I wouldn’t wish this on anybody especially going alone.

I’m glad they allowed your partner with you before your surgery sometimes a friendly face or being with someone you know will calm and help you I hope you make a speedy and full recovery :heart:

And that’s the thing I’m happy for them because they don’t know what I’m going through but deep down that thought of that would be near my due date, or I wish I was able to experience all them things with my baby

But I can’t because it clearly wasn’t meant to be instead I’m crying all the time it’s just too much to deal with right now.

Ohh do you, your a very strong lady for going back to work because I don’t know wether I could I know routine is normal and it will distract you but I work in a child’s nursery I’m currently on furlough but I’m so nervous about going back not because I don’t love my job because I do but because being around children will break my heart and it’s nobodies fault but it will be a reminder of what could of been for me especially being my first pregnancy aswell

I completely understand what you mean although maybe it’s a man thing as they don’t know how to approach it I feel sometimes my fiancé forgets what I’ve been through and I feel hatred sometimes towards him which I know I don’t mean it’s just how I feel.

Or the feeling alone because I don’t want to upset him by saying I’m going through it alone because what I mean is we’re both going through it but my body is going through the emotions, the pain, like the whole thing and explaining that to people seems like they don’t understand

That’s such a cute idea to write a letter and if it helps that’s such a good thing I might have to borrow that idea and try it myself I need to get it out somehow and atm dealing with this is so hard :heart:

My story isn’t over yet either I’m still having to go back for the weekly blood tests.

I’m surprised that they don’t tell you the pain you’ll feel I found out Monday I’m experiencing contractions and passing blood clots it’s a confusing, stressful and all round very difficult experience being strong sometimes doesn’t help but I’m trying every day to be okay

Thank you so much for replying I appreciate it so much and I’m here if you want to talk :heart:

Wishing you all the best for the future to xxx

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:frowning: hey thank you for sharing that !!

I had my ectopic pregnancy during quarantine too, I felt so horrible and alone because the world stopped. I definitely felt resentment to every single person around me and I wasn’t happy and didn’t even like myself because I just felt so horrible. Now I am feeling better and honestly taking the steps to get better day by day. One day at a time and forgiving myself xx

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Hey Ferrylo

I’m sorry that your going through this it’s so horrible that we’re not alone but are so alone in this situation Covid-19 has definitely changed things and I understand that but sometimes I think it’s made it so much more harder to be able to deal with it.

I’m glad your starting to feel better and taking steps it’s a big thing to overcome and I know my journey forward is going to be a long one.

I feel such a mixture of emotions all the time and the crying which I know is understandable but it’s just such a crap and horrible time.

The feeling alone and so lost is the biggest thing at the moment and the feeling of why me is happening too much.

I’m hoping that slowly but surely it will get easier to deal with.

Thank you for reaching out if you need to talk I’m always here.

I shared my story because I want people to know we’re not alone and we can get through it

No matter what happens we will get through it and become even more stronger :heart:

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I’m now in month 3 since my ectopic pregnancy… Not sure why the advice is ‘3 months to process’!? I don’t think anyone is ready to put themselves in a position of hurt or disappointment again. The innocence of a future pregancy has been robbed from us.

I guess we need to take a breather and try again. It’s so comforting to read these posts and knowing us ladies are not alone. It will get better, eventually. That’s what I’m going to tell myself for now. Sending love to you all! x

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SJ2020 thank you for replying to my post

And I complete agree I feel so scared to even get pregnant again incase it goes the same way if anything it’s made me more scared and very on edge to even think about it.

And the fact it’s happened on my very first pregnancy has made me think will I ever be okay

I hope your okay :heart::heart:

And it actually is I appreciate every single one of you who’s replied to me it took so much to post it but to hear you ladies and read what you write has brought some comfort as I know even though I feel alone I’m not alone:heart:

Use are actually helping me more than I realised so thank you to everyone of you

Awww I’m hoping it will get better as especially today and yesterday I’ve found it really hard I can’t stop the crying

But you are right it will get better eventually and hopefully our bodies will understand and allow us to enjoy pregnancy how it should be :heart:

Sending love to you to :heart::heart: