My story

Hi I’m 33 years old with a DH and a DS and my twins would have been due 03-02-09. We decided to try for our 2nd baby as our DS is 3, this is no mean feet as I have endometriosis.

We were over the moon when the pregnancy test was positive but from early on this pregnancy was different. With my DS I bled on and off for the 1st 15weeks, I had no symptoms of pregnancy. This time no bleeding overwhelming nausea, emotions tender boobs ect.

Then at 9weeks I started spotting, we tried to convience ourselves that this was like last time but the next day i knew it wasn’t. I went into work just to get an USS, I’m a nurse. The worse words ever are I’m sorry. This was my wake up to reality when the sonographer, who I knew, told me that she could not date my pregnancy as the miscarriage had long started, as a result surgery was not adviced as ‘nature’ would take its course. I went home broke the news to my family and felt like my world was falling apart.

Following guideline I carried out a repete pregnancy test 2weeks later. This was again positive and the raw wound was reopened. The staff at the hospital were great and rushed me through because i was staff. I wsa rescaned and told that everything was back to normal there was no evidence of the pregnancy left. bloods were not done as i was distressed enough and the scan was concluesive. They trusted that I would contact then if I needed to but I no longer felt pregnant and the scan said I wasn’t.

I returned to work a week later, this was so hard I work on a baby unit. everyone kept telling me to go home, take mor time but I did.

On my 4th shift back in the middle of had over my undiagnosed hidden ectoic rupture. Ther was no signs or symtoms apart from anxiety and panic attacks which I put down to the miscarrage. I felt fine one the suddenly pain rused through my body and my battle began.

My biggest problem was that within 15 minutes I was fighting for my life. my blood loss into my abdomen was massive, dropping my blood pressure and sending me into shock. I took and hour and half to stablise me and move me to the next ward down. Although in shock and drifting in and out of consousness I was aware of what was happening to me. How low my blood pressure was how low my blood levels were.

Once on the gyane ward it took another 2 and half hours before I went ot theatre. The problem was They could not get my blood pressure high enough for me to survive theatre. They finally just took me because they had nothing to loose.

I believed that I would not survive and told my husband that I loved him. This was goodbye in my head. People including my husband, were shouting at me trying to keep me awake but I had given up by now. I was in so much pain really tired now and there was no fight left.

They removed my RFT gave me 5 units of blod and over 4 litres of fluid but still no pain relief as my blood pressure remained a problem for another 48 hours.

The emotions the next day were terrible, I had lost another baby, 2 babies in 3weeks, my body had failed both my babies and I had given up on my family the night before. The guilt I feel from this is with me still. Facing my own morality has left me shaken. I have had lots of painic attacks over this.

Everone who had been present the night before, staff and friends were telling me how lucky I was to be alive but I didn’t feel lucky.

I don’t really know who I got through the next 10 weeks. I think mainly I just move on without acknowedgeing what had happened. It was when my Gp wanted me to return to work that I began to deal with things. Although it took another 3 weeks for me to return to work, once I was there and faced with the place that it had happened with the people that went through it with me that I began to talk about it and heal.

Things are still hard at times but I just roll with it and down try to oppress the pain. A friend recently had a baby and this opened up the wounds again and made me frightened of my ever approaching EDD. I now have come to realise that my fear is far worse than reality, and actually my EDD was my chance to say good bye.

I don’t know what the future holds but I’m feeling more ready to face it thanks to this place and the support of those around me.

Any way this is my story so far Sarah. Sorry its so long.