Hi there,
I’ve finally plucked up the courage to join the forums today after speaking to the lovely woman on the EPT helpline. I’ve cried lots reading everyone’s stories but I can also see the bravery that’s present in these forums and think that being part of it will give me strength to deal with this awful thing, i also really hope I can find and offer friendship and support on here, so here I go.
My partner and I started TTC our first baby in July - I have wanted a baby for several years, but my partner lost his job, then I changed mine, then we moved house etc etc. I was so excited about starting on the journey - started secretly reading mumsnet (my friends and family would laugh if they knew that) and read books about conception, tried to limit my drinking (ha!), started taking folic acid and all the rest. We’d tried for two months but it’s always difficult to tell when to expect my period because I’ve been irregular since coming off the pill in January. The week I thought it was due I got my hopes up because it was later than the previous month but I tested several times and it was negative. I tested on the Friday morning (the week before bank holiday) and it was negative and then I started bleeding. I just assumed it was my period and though I was really disappointed I thought, oh well there’s always next month.
The following Friday/Sat I started getting a kind of grinding/burning pain on my right side, which as it turns out probably wasn’t anything to do with this as I think it was a harmless cyst, but to reassure myself I talked myself into doing a pregnancy test - i thought I was just being silly and it would come back negative, but give me peace of mind. I was also feeling extremely guilty because I’d had such a stressful week at work that the day I got my period I’d thought what the hell, I’m not pregnant and I’d gone out and got drunk and that week I had also had a few drinks on a couple of nights. It was the Sunday of bank holiday that I did the first test - it came back faintly positive, so i did another one with the same result. The next morning I did another one, because I just couldn’t believe it and it was a bit darker. i was really worried because I still had the pain so we rang 111 and I ended up going to the out of hours doctor at the hospital. He told me I was definitely pregnant but I should see my GP the next day.
We never really got to celebrate being pregnant. The GP told me that it was a faint positive and it was likely that I’d already lost it. He referred me to the EPU and they did bloods which were low. The EPU waiting room was such a depressing place - lots of anxious and crying women and the walls just decorated with posters about miscarriages and domestic violence - hardly a place to make you feel positive. They scanned me but couldn’t find anything, but said it wasn’t a big surprise as I was only 5 1/2 weeks. They told me there was a chance it was ectopic and put the fear of god up us by telling my partner he should stay by my side at all times in case I collapsed. They took more bloods and sent me home. By this point we were so stressed out we had to take 2 days off work, rather than work at home, as we just couldn’t concentrate. We found out that the hormone levels were increasing, which gave us some hope and they booked me in for a scan the following Monday (last Monday).
I was feeling ok over the weekend - we managed to distract ourselves by going to the cinema on the saturday, but really I was just wishing time away. My mum came to visit on the Sunday and we were heading into the shops - more distraction - when I started to feel really sick. I was trying to tell myself it was a good sign, because it’s morning sickness, but I felt so ill we had to go back home. A couple of hours later i started to spot and we rang 999. They told me to make my way to A&E. It was an agonising 5 1/2 hours before I was eventually admitted to hospital at about 11pm. They couldn’t scan me because the machine was broken! They took more bloods and a junior doctor took 3 attempts to stick a canular into my vein (ouch!), then they put me on nil by mouth.
The same woman scanned me again on the Monday morning (with the same charming refrain “Have you emptied your bladder? Are you allergic to latex? Put your clothes in the bucket. Cold gel, going in”) and again couldn’t really see anything even though at that point my levels should have been over 1000 so it should have been possible. The consultant was actually really nice and took time to explain things and she let me eat. Hospital food tastes nice after 14 hours of starvation. Then I was back on nil by mouth from 5am on the Tuesday and down for another scan when the woman gave a more honest assessment and said that it was unlikely that I had a healthy pregnancy. The registrar said there was a large chance it was ectopic but they couldn’t be sure, so recommended a laprascopy over the injection or open surgery. about an hour after giving my consent I was wheeled up to theatres. I was crying and a lovely lady there held my hand - i explained that I was scared about losing my baby and she told me to think positive thoughts. The next thing I knew I was in the recovery room and it had all been done. the first thing she said to me was that i didn’t need to worry they had checked and I will be able to conceive. i was so grateful to her for saying that, because i didn’t get to see the doctor until the next morning.
The doctor that came to see me could certainly do with a few lessons in bedside manner. She was completely heartless and didn’t show me any compassion. just told me that I’d had the ectopic and my left tube removed. Luckily I had a list of questions ready to ask her, because my mind would have gone blank if I hadn’t. Having come onto this site I now know that she really didn’t give me half the info she should have - like i shouldn’t drive and i should wait for 3 months before trying again - she told me I could start trying straight away (not that I feel like it). I was so upset by her uncaring manner that i burst into tears with one of the nurses, who was such a sweetie and got me an appointment with the counsellor.I have to look on the bright side - they told me that the other tube is ok and I’ve read lots of stories of women who’ve gone on to conceive. Plus, we conceived after just 2 months, so at least I know that bit works!
Quite apart from all the feelings that I have after losing the baby - the sadness, guilt, the vulnerability I’m feeling etc etc i feel traumatised by the way I was fed into the hospital system, chewed up and spat out the other end. (The nasty doctor told me i didn’t need to have a follow up, but I’m going to go and see the GP anyway). They made it clear to me that they needed the bed, so I was out by lunchtime after having the operation the previous evening. i didn’t get to see the consultant or registrar again after my op. I have no idea who operated on me. About 2 minutes before i went up to theatres they shoved a form into my hand asking me how we would like the remains to be dealt with - they didn’t even give us privacy to discuss, I just had to tick a box. I know it is not their fault - they are working in a massively under-resourced system and they can’t afford the time to care, but this is such a personal thing. They might have seen hundreds of women go through this, but for each of us it is such a painful, traumatic experience and I really feel that they could do more to understand that and support people through the mental as well as the physical side of it.
So now I’m trying to recover before I can even think about the next step of trying again. Luckily I have a fantastic boss who has been really supportive and said I should take the time I need to feel strong enough to go back to work (though I’m still feeling guilty for all the time I’m taking) My partner has been absolutely incredible but I wonder how he will get support - it was his baby too. i am trying to persuade him to talk to people too. Yesterday I felt stronger - i managed to go to the supermarket, but i feel half the person I was. I feel like I can’t hold my head up high and that I’m scared to go out in case I have to deal with anyone being confrontational. I commute into London and people can be cruel for the tiniest reasons. I feel like I will crumple if anyone says something nasty. I feel like I’m only safe if I stay inside and don’t talk to anyone I don’t know really well. I have stayed inside today, but i am setting myself tests. Tomorrow I have booked to see the dentist so i am forced to go out. I feel like I have to fight or this thing will grind me down, but at the same time I don’t have the energy to fight. I don’t know how I will pick myself up. The times I do manage to feel a bit perkier, I feel guilty for laughing, because it’s like I’m forgetting my baby.
I’m just so grateful that I’ve found EPT because I think I would feel a whole lot worse if it wasn’t here - I would have no information and I wouldn’t have been able to cry over the phone this morning to someone who’s been through the same thing. If anyone on here has lost their baby around the same time and would like to support each other please get in touch - I think this forum is going to be my lifeline.
Take care everyone.
xxx
