Hi,
I’m writing here in case there’s someone who has experienced the same with losses and abnormal smears in their journey and can offer words of support, or in case one day someone needs to see they are not alone in their experience.
I had my first ectopic pregnancy in 2023. Before that, I didn’t even know what an ectopic pregnancy was. When I discovered I was pregnant, I was overjoyed. But the very next day I started having brown discharge. After searching online, I found posts saying this could be normal, though it was still concerning for me. One day, when my partner and I were intimate, I experienced unbearable pain and had to stop - I was in tears. After that, I started bleeding heavily and assumed I was having a miscarriage.
I tried to get an appointment with my GP, but couldn’t. I tried my local hospital, but no one would see me. I still had to go to work, but during my lunch break I called another early pregnancy unit, broke down on the phone, and thankfully a kind lady told me to come in that day. They scanned me but couldn’t find anything, so they took bloods. My HCG levels were high. I returned 48 hours later for repeat bloods. The numbers were rising but not doubling. For a week it was blood tests every other day and more scans. By the weekend, the doctors were concerned, and a consultant scanned me. She found the embryo at the edge of my tube near my womb and admitted me for surgery. I was too far along for methotrexate, and surgery was the safest option. On March 19, 2023, my pregnancy ended, and I lost my left tube.
Before this, I had signed up with maternity units because I was so excited, but the hospital forgot to inform them of my loss. During recovery, I kept receiving letters for my first scan. My partner had to call and sort it out. My recovery was hard - I spiralled into a depression that got me admitted to Crisis, I just didn’t give myself time to properly grieve or process what had happened, and it strained our relationship. It took over six months to pull myself back together. We continued trying naturally, but with no success. In 2024, we requested IVF and started at the beginning of this year.
When I started IVF, I was terrified of needles, but my desire for a baby helped me overcome that fear. Unfortunately, even though my health and numbers were good, I didn’t respond well to the medication. My dose wasn’t changed, and I ended up with just three eggs - then two - then one by day three. I clung to hope, telling myself it only takes one, as they always say. We transferred that one embryo, and I got a positive pregnancy test. But just like last time, the day after celebrating, I started spotting. I hoped it was implantation bleeding, but because of my past, I wanted to be seen quickly. However, it was a bank holiday weekend, so my GP and early pregnancy units were closed. I spent the long weekend bleeding, relying only on online forums for support.
Come Tuesday, I had to go through urgent care before being admitted to the early pregnancy unit. When I finally got seen, the consultant scanned me and told me the embryo was sitting on the edge of the womb entrance - they weren’t sure if it would go into the womb or into the tube. Two days later, repeat bloods showed slow rising numbers. On the scan, they found it was an interstitial pregnancy - the embryo had implanted in the muscle of my womb. The consultant was incredible. She didn’t let me see the screen or describe the embryo because she knew it wasn’t viable. I was given methotrexate. Surgery would have required removing part of my womb, so methotrexate was the best option.
Later, during a consultation at my IVF clinic, I learned the embryo had actually been healthy and developing correctly. That broke me. It wasn’t meant to be. It then took three months of weekly blood tests for my HCG to finally return to zero. By then, the staff knew me by name and face. The needles didn’t scare me anymore, but the trauma of sitting in those waiting rooms surrounded by expectant mothers was unbearable.
I challenged my IVF clinic about why my medication hadn’t been adjusted, as I feel I was denied the chance of a frozen transfer. Now I face the burden and cost of private IVF. They couldn’t give me answers. Records hadn’t been updated properly. I decided not to return to that clinic and found a new one.
Just as I was about to start a new IVF journey, another setback came. Since 2019, I’ve had abnormal smear tests. My consultant delayed treatment while I was trying to conceive, but things worsened. I now have severe HPV, CIN3 and CGIN cells, so I have no choice but to undergo treatment. IVF is on hold while I wait for cone biopsy surgery next week. I’m trying to stay positive and hope that I can start again toward the end of October.
It’s been a tough 2025 so far, but I’m praying it gets lighter from here. I hope my treatment goes well, IVF is successful, and by the end of the year I’m pregnant. Still, I can’t shake the fear - will I bleed after my first test? Will it be another ectopic? Will my cervix hold, or will I lose another healthy baby?
One thing is for sure: when I finally hold my rainbow baby, there will be no greater feeling in the world.
Thank you for reading and for allowing me to share this. It makes the limbo I’m in feel a little less lonely. x