My experience - In desperate need of advice please!

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/Hi Guys,

After having gynaecological problems in the past resulting in surgery, lots of adhesions and my right tube not working… Finding out I was pregnant was just short of a miracle.

When the immediate shock had finally disappeared, me and my partner really started to believe that it was going to be amazing.

A week into finding out I was pregnant I began to suffer some pain down my left side, almost like a dull ache with the occasional sharp pain. Because I had previously suffered with bad abdominal pain, I thought it was best to go and see my GP just for a second opinion.

The GP advised me to go up to the hospital first thing the next morning to go and have a scan/bloods taken ect and go from there. HCG levels were all good, however nothing was seen on the first scan. After 5 days of monitoring, my blood levels were going up as they should do however I was still experiencing a lot of pain. The pain by day 5 was getting much worse, with the sharp pain becoming more regular however NO bleeding.

On day 5 they preformed another scan… I had now just turned 6 weeks pregnant.

The consultant explained to me that the pregnancy was ectopic and in my left tube… and my heart sunk.

I tried so hard to keep it together and thankfully my partner was with me for a shoulder to cry on.

The consultant recommended that I had the methotrexate injection, and after having my previous surgery this seemed like the best option.

However just before going to get the methotrexate, I collapsed at the hospital and the tube had started to tear.

From this point everything was such a blur, I was rushed into surgery having part of my left tube and pregnancy removed.

The consultant talked with me before I left hospital regarding fertility treatment such as IVF ect, however I am petrified of getting disappointed and the IVF not working.

My partner already has children from a previous relationship who we don’t get to see very often.

However with it being so close to Christmas at the moment his life is pretty much centred around his children… Which in its self I am finding extremely difficult, as I just feel really alone/left behind and find it hard to talk to him about it.

Yes he has been supportive, however he admits he can’t understand how I feel.

It has now been 3 weeks since all this happened, and still I am finding it very difficult to sleep, and experiencing heavy flashbacks, nightmares and moods that are all over the place.

The main reason for this post was I just really wanted to know if it was normal to feel all over the place/confused/angry/upset?

And also if anyone had any advice ? Or if anyone else has partners with children already?

Thank you xx

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Hi Emma,

What you’re going through is totally normal. My right tube ruptured 4 1/2 weeks ago and I am going through the same thing as you. It has gotten better with time but there are still waves of difficulty. I sought out counseling (with EMDR) because I was having PTSD like symptoms which it sounds like you are experiencing. It has helped a lot and my panic attacks and mood swings are lessening. Don’t forget that your hormones levels are all over the place because you were pregnant. My counselor said that it takes as long as you were pregnant for your body to return to normal.

We’ve had fertility issues for about 5 years and it was a total shock to me that I was pregnant. I was over the moon but my husband was freaked out about having a kid. It’s quite shocking to go from never thinking you’re going to get pregnant, to thinking you’re going to have a baby, to having a life threatening condition for which you have to have emergency surgery, to having to go through the recovery process both physically and emotionally.

I’ve realized that my husband is never going to understand what I went through, despite his best efforts. Really the only ones that understand are those of us who have had ectopic pregnancy. I’m with you on the IVF. Infertility has been such a struggle for me, and I live in such a rural area that I would have to travel 2 hours for IVF. I know that I’m just not up for the challenge and if it didn’t work, it would be so heartbreaking. It’s just not the right fit for us as a couple. I’m looking forward to healing from this and continuing to live my life and whatever happens happens. I’m taking serrapeptase in case my left fallopian tube is blocked as I really don’t want to go through this again. Know that my thoughts are with you and you are not alone in this. Best wishes to you through this holiday season.

Becky

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Dear Emma995,

I am so sorry to hear of your ectopic pregnancy and loss.

When we experience an ectopic pregnancy we are suddenly faced with a life threatening emergency and it’s treatment, reduction in fertility, concerns about the future and the loss of our babies. Experiencing any one of these is an ordeal, putting them together is immense. So in answer to your question, yes your feelings are completely normal.

Many women experience feelings of isolation after an ectopic pregnancy - I did, too. It is a frightening experience. Like you, I reached out to the Trust for support and I will be here for you to lean on for as long as you need. Stress can manifest itself in many ways including affecting your eating habits and wellbeing. After a frightening ordeal like ectopic pregnancy, some women find that they suffer from Post Traumatic Stress and symptoms can include anxiety, flashbacks and not being able to focus on everyday things like work.

It is normal for us to experience these feelings in the early stages but if these feelings continue or you become overwhelmed, please chat with your GP.

There is no time frame for how long it takes for us to heal emotionally. Please do be kind to yourself and allow time to grieve.

Sending much love,

Karen x

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Further information is available at www.ectopic.org.uk

Email us at ept@ectopic.org.uk.

Our helpline is 020 7733 2653 (available Monday to Friday 10am - 4pm).

Detailed medical information can be found on our website. Please remember online medical information is NO SUBSTITUTE for expert medical advice from your own health care team.

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Dear Emma995,

I understand you very well about the part of your partner’s children…it is a struggle. I am in a similar situation right now, I had an ectopic pregnancy at the end of November. Unfortunately, despite my husband loving me incredibly much, he hasn’t been very supportive in my situation, nor very understanding. After I had the surgery, and while I was still in the hospital, my husband had to leave for his homeland, where his daughter from his first marriage lives, as it was her birthday and then she had just turned 11. I was terribly angry and upset, and I was thinking that this is all wrong and he is not acting as he should. On his return from his daughter, 2 days earlier when he was supposed to, HE, not me, had a real breakdown feeling guilty about being away from his daughter, etc…and that was the day when I began to understand him. He doesn’t see the ectopic pregnancy as losing a child, he sees the embryo as a little monster who wanted to kill the love of his life. As I know him and I saw before and during my surgery, he had to pass through hell thinking that something can be wrong with me and feeling sorry for me. He has never been more caring and nice with me as in those days. So with our pregnancy lost, he knew he had a living child who truly needs him. And with a breaking heart, he left for three days. The same happened before the Christmas holidays…after the surgery my HCG started rising and I needed Methotrexate. So, again, my husband left without me to his homeland (we always go there together). And I remained alone at home, in a barely known country, with absolutely no family or friends here, ill and just after losing my pregnancy…I think everyone can imagine the way I have been feeling. He is the bad guy you would say? And if you were in the place of his daughter or her relatives? I don’t want his daughter to start hating me for taking her dad whom she sees so rarely. He is nothing more than a great dad who barely sees his child. I don’t have a choice but to understand him and support him. Life is not always black and white. When there are children involved, absolutely everything changes. I think that you should forget about the terror, which you had to pass, for the sake of your partner’s children. After you get back home you may continue to sorrow and try to reach out to your partner. But children…they don’t deserve seeing us destroyed, depressed, devastated. No matter if these are our children or our partner’s children. And another thing is…I don’t think men can ever understand what we had to pass. But this is not the reason for us to hate them or to let this ruin our relationship. For better or for worse…