Never felt so unfulfilled as today . Oh and obviously guilty because I have my two children with me to celebrate Mother’s Day . But the elephant in the room was that she was not here . God I miss her. And then feel guilty because the boys are here… and I’m thankful SO thankful for that. And I know that, I get that and I appreciate and love and adore them and everything I do is still for them and because of them. BUT why do I need to keep being told that I’m lucky to have them yes I am and I know I am. But having your right arm cut off and then looking at your left arm is not a comfort. It doesn’t then morph into your right arm and everything is the same as before. U r still left without a right arm. U r still torn and injured and bleeding. U r still longing and hoping and searching and confused . I just feel in a spotlight of surreal-ness? Constantly . Me? That was me? Ur talking to me? That’s my scan? That’s my baby clinging onto my ovary wanting to live? Wanting a cuddle… a chance … the little suit I got her because she’s the girl that I’m going to love ? GOD!! It’s hard so hard!! I don’t no what I’m doing…
You’ve just articulated what I feel all the time since my ep. I don’t have any other children, and being told things like “well you can try again” and “at least you know you can get pregnant” by well meaning but ill informed people is of no comfort.
Today was awful. It was a kick in the gut to all of us who have lost our babies - a reminder of what we are not, rather than a celebration of what we are.
I am sending a virtual hug, and a reminder that you’re not alone - I’m pretty sure all of us here have had this feeling, if not today then on some other mothers day.
Xx
Dear Princess Bebe6,
I am so sorry to hear of your ectopic pregnancy and loss.
You are so right, mother’s day was hard. It’s been seven years since my ectopic pregnancy and whilst I have other children I still struggle around special anniversaries. I think it is only natural for us to remember and miss our babies and wonder what might have been.
I am not sure when you experienced your ectopic pregnancy but following loss the feelings you describe are very understandable. We have to process such a lot in a very small timeframe - the ordeal of diagnosis, surgical treatment, losing a pregnancy and concerns about the future. Any one of these is hard to contend with and putting it all together is immense. After a frightening ordeal like ectopic pregnancy, some women find that they suffer from Post Traumatic Stress and symptoms can include anxiety and not being able to focus on everyday things like work. If your low times outweigh the good, there are a number of avenues that you could look into to get the help that you need.
We at the Trust believe that talking through what happened and your emotions as and when you can helps the healing process. We operate a helpline service and there’s no pressure whatsoever but if you would ever like the opportunity to speak over the phone to someone who has been through a similar experience, do feel free to call, details are below. We can take things at your pace entirely and you are free to ask me any questions that are on your mind. You can talk about the ordeal you have been through and express your feelings to vent and let off some steam. We can exchange emails too, if you prefer that route. We’ll simply be here for you, however you wish and for as long as you wish.
In addition, you can ask to see a GP at your practice and ask them to explore ways in which you can get help and this can include referrals for “talking therapies” or counselling.
We have information on our website about finding counselling services. The charity Mind may also be of assistance. They have local centres and support groups and can offer services on a means-tested basis or sometimes free. You can find your local centre following this link if that may be useful too: http://www.mind.org.uk/information-support/local-minds/
There is no time frame for how long it takes us to heal emotionally. We will never forget our pregnancy or babies but we can learn to accept what has happened and crucially understand that it wasn’t our fault.
Sending much love and warm hugs,
Karen x
If we have been able to help you, are you able to help us with a small donation or by volunteering?
Further information is available at http://www.ectopic.org.uk
Email us at ept@ectopic.org.uk.
Our helpline is 020 7733 2653 (available Monday to Friday 10am - 4pm).
Detailed medical information can be found on our website. Please remember online medical information is NO SUBSTITUTE for expert medical advice from your own health care team.