Here we go… our first christmas without you.
I miss you so much, which is weird seeing as you hardly made it to here in the first place.
i feel like i’ve had my heart torn out.
I wonder if you’d have had ginger curls like Elle, and little fat rolls on your thighs when you sat up.
i want to hold you tight while you fall asleep in my arms, and smell that new baby smell on your hair. to celebrate your first christmas with you, opening your presents with you, and passing you round your grandparents.
But theres a space, and it’s empty. and it’s like no one else notices it but me.
everyones telling me im lucky, lucky to be alive, and lucky to have Elle, especially daddy, who sees this as one of those things. he’s out at the moment. and im sobbing so hard i cant see the words. this might be selfish, but i feel robbed.
its like the nightmare where i wake up and my babys gone, and everyones acting normal, telling me im mad. except it’s real, and your not here, and its killing me.
i feel like im choking on my own pain.i cant get through a full day without feeling this way, and i know i have to be strong, but its so hard.
i feel so guilty for whats happened to you, for failing you.yet i try not to think about that too much, for fear of it driving me mad.
But i am sorry. so sorry you didnt make it, so sorry i did, and sorry for the life you didnt have.
you were too good for this world…
im going to try hard to smile on christmas day…
to give your sister what i couldnt give you. and to try have everyone belive im ok, and im over the “operation”. i love you babe, mummy will be there one day.xxxxxxx