It's almost been a year and I still struggle

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1

Hi,

I’ve kind of shut myself down for months and not spoke about my ectopic pregnancy. Quite a lot of my friends and some family still don’t even know it happened. I have a very big close family and quite a lot of cousins and friends are pregnant or recently had babies and I don’t/didn’t want to take away from their happiness at all with how difficult it has been for me. I don’t really know anyone else who has an ectopic pregnancy to speak to who could understand how I have felt since it happened. What would have been my due date has passed with no recognition and it will soon be a year since I first found out. What makes me so sad is how it’s like it never happened. My partner doesn’t like speaking about it as it upsets him too much and I don’t feel anyone else fully understands the psychological impact it has had. I have been to a counselling session but again I just felt I couldn’t relate to the person as they hadn’t went through it themselves. I am absolutely terrified of falling pregnant again even though I know we will try again soon but it scares me so much, I don’t get excited at all.

It was the very beginning of july 2019 I found out I was pregnant and we were delighted. I was very early on only 2-3 weeks. I had some light bleeding and when it didn’t stop after a few days I went to the doctor who said I could be experiencing a miscarriage. If I was still bleeding in a weeks time and a test was still positive I was to get an appointment with the early pregnancy unit which I ended up doing. I had an internal scan and bloods taken. They were highly suspicious of an ectopic pregnancy and confirmed it the next day. I continued having bloods taken every day for another week or so checking my hcg level as it was relatively low, they thought my body would naturally reject the baby but it didn’t. I found my body physically changing and had nausea and vomiting most days which was difficult as I had all the normal symptoms of a pregnancy but knew I was going to lose our baby. I was advised that methotrexate was the best treatment option for me so I went ahead with this. It made me so so unwell. My partner was and is an absolute angel, he took care of me so well. My mum and I were caring for my grandmother who was on end of life care at home at the same time as all of this happened so I wasn’t really looking after myself at all. It took another couple of weeks before my hcg levels dropped below 5 and the hospital were happy to discharge me. I was discharged on the monday at the start of august and my grandmother sadly passed away at home on the wednesday. I just feel I didn’t deal with it all very well or grieve properly for the loss of our baby as I was grieving for the loss of my grandmother too.

It sometimes just hits me so hard and I don’t know who to talk to. I feel I am a very strong individual and some people I know would be shocked if they knew I felt this way or that it had happened at all. Writing this has helped though and I hope it even helps someone else reading it so they know they are not alone.

x

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Dear macc033,

I am so sorry to hear of your ectopic pregnancy and loss and of the loss of your grandmother, you have been through such a lot in a short space of time and my heart goes out to you.

Thank you for being so brave and reaching out. These posts always strike a chord as I too struggled with emotions for around 2years before eventually contacting the Trust.

I found comfort in reading others posts. I didn’t feel so alone in how I was feeling. I was also advised to try counselling, which I did. Following this, I understood that although I would never forget my pregnancy or baby, I learnt to accept what had happened and crucially understand that it wasn’t my fault. I know you mention you have tried counselling but didn’t gel with the counsellor. We hear this alot and many women do find switching counsellors to someone they feel more at ease with helps immensely. I do think it will help, especially as you experienced 2 deviating losses so close together.

Experiencing ectopic pregnancy can be very isolating. It is a frightening experience. Like you, I reached out to the Trust for support and we will be here for you to lean on for as long as you need.

We at the Trust believe that talking through what happened and your emotions as and when you can helps the healing process. We operate a helpline service and there’s no pressure whatsoever but if you would ever like the opportunity to speak over the phone to someone who has been through a similar experience, do feel free to call, details are below. We can take things at your pace entirely and you are free to ask any questions that are on your mind. You can talk about the ordeal you have been through and express your feelings to vent and let off some steam. We can exchange emails too, if you prefer that route. We’ll simply be here for you, however you wish and for as long as you wish.

In addition, you can ask to see a GP at your practice and ask them to explore ways in which you can get help and this can include referrals for “talking therapies” or counselling. We have information on our website about finding counselling services.

The charity Mind may also be of assistance. They have local centres and support groups and can offer services on a means-tested basis or sometimes free. You can find your local centre following this link if that may be useful too: http://www.mind.org.uk/information-support/local-minds/

Above all be gentle with yourself, anniversaries can be stark reminders of the frightening time we went through and of our losses. Ten years on and I still struggle on the anniversary date of our loss, although it is a little easier now and I always buy the brightest bunch of flowers to remember my beautiful baby.

Sending much love and warm hugs. We will be here for you for as long as you need.

Karen x

The Ectopic Pregnancy Trust

Registered Charity Number: 1071811

If we have been able to help you, are you able to help us with a small donation or by volunteering or fundraising?

Further information is available at ectopic.org.uk

Email us: ept@ectopic.org.uk

We provide a call-back helpline service: 020 7733 2653

The latest EPT newsletter is out now! You can take a look at the Winter edition and subscribe to our mailing list here: https://mailchi.mp/986bdd6091ee/ectopic-matters

Detailed medical information can be found on our website. Please remember online medical information is NO SUBSTITUTE for expert medical advice from your own health care team

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So sorry to read your story. I have similar feelings when people often forget it ever happened and it can be a really lonely experience because nobody quite understands. Sending you love and hope for the future xx

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Thank you both for your lovely replies. I will definitely take your advice on board Karen.

Natalie, thank you for taking the time to read my story. I already feel less alone knowing there are other people who understand. I hope you are ok and look after yourself too xx