If you had lived...

Poems, Prose, and Words of Remembrance
1

(I wrote this for the candle tribute. I had an ectopic pregnancy at 10 weeks, surgery to remove it along with left fallopian tube.

I’d had no symptoms whatsoever that there was any problem with the pregnancy until a scan at 10 weeks showed nothing in the uterus - around 24 hours before the tube ruptured. I know that in medical terms, my ‘baby’ was never really a baby. But in my head, I had planned for and welcomed one).

If you had lived…
They say that some things are just not meant to be,
But nevertheless, you were special to me.
You were my hopes, and my future plans,
I imagined my world in your tiny hands.
In my thoughts, I had held you,
Pictured who you might be,
And I felt that I knew you,
Though you never knew me.
For weeks, you provided my secret smile,
And I’m proud that I carried you 'round, for a while.
I like to believe you are safe, up above,
But if you had lived - you would have been loved.

2

Hi crosingfingers,

This made me cry! Its so how i feel, i lost my much wanted baby at 8 weeks, no pain either and my tube had burst when they operated. I was so scared at the begining… wondering if my baby was alive…did it have a hearbeat…etc etc… Ive read that 90% dont develop as they should and theirfor dont get a beating heart. This is kind of comforting to me (in a weird way) becoz that means it wouldnt have been ‘killed’ when they removed it! im having a bad day today… feeling empty! wishing i could turn back the clock. its been 5 weeks since it happened. i would have been 13 weeks today.

sorry for rambing… loved the poem xx

3

This is beautiful

And it exactly how I felt during my pregnancy

4

I’m so glad this poem is still here, seven years on. I have shared this poem so many times since I wrote it, to help other women cope with a similar loss… So much has happened in the interim, but every word of this remains true.

I did have a healthy baby (my son is now six) after my ectopic pregnancy, and I couldn’t be more grateful for him, he is wonderful.

I was expecting another baby - his little sister - who was due this coming February. Just before Christmas, I was diagnosed with polyhydramnios (too much amniotic fluid) at 30 weeks pregnant. Things escalated very quickly, and we were told she was poorly in the womb. The only way to give her any chance was to have a C-Section, and within 24 hours, I had gone from having a “normal” (though difficult) pregnancy, to having her in my arms. Unfortunately, she was just too poorly, and she only lived for around 15 minutes on 22nd December, 2017.

My daughter’s name was Holly Rose, and we held her funeral last Friday (19th January). She had a beautiful service, and a lovely eco-casket (which looked just like a Moses basket). Inside the casket, I wrote this poem by hand, and sent it with her. It was my way of honouring and acknowledging both my lost babies, and I love the fact that my ectopic pregnancy was also included, seven years on.

I always believed my ectopic pregnancy was a girl (and I was correct with both my son and my daughter, so although I can never know for sure, I’ll always believe I was right). Since losing Holly, I have referred to my ectopic baby as “Ivy”… she not only named herself, seven years after the event, but she also went with her sister through the words of this poem in her casket, and was included in the funeral.

It’s bitter sweet. I have had three pregnancies, but only have one child. I’ve never had a miscarriage, both of my losses have resulted in surgery, and no baby to show for it. I never forgot my ectopic pregnancy, but I am glad that she was able to be included (in my own way), in her sister’s funeral. I am glad she found herself a name. Both of my daughters will always be loved, and this poem now applies to both of them.

I have started blogging about the loss of my daughter. I wrote about her funeral, and have also talked about the loss of my previous ectopic pregnancy, and how I acknowledged that loss along with Holly Rose. I would love to post a link to my blog, but I am not sure if that’s permitted on this site. If it would be allowed, please let me know, and I will share. (If not, and anyone would like to read it, please email me and I will send the link).

5

Dear Crossing Fingers,

I am so sorry to hear of the loss of Holly Rose and Ivy. To experience one loss is difficult to deal with multiple losses is heartbreaking and my heart truly goes out to you.

I am so sorry but it is Trust policy not to share links to external sites. Thank you so much for your bravery in sharing your experience and I am sure your blog will provide comfort to others who have gone through similar experiences to know they are not alone.

We will be here for you for as long as you need.

Sending much love and gentle hugs,

Karen x

If we have been able to help you, are you able to help us with a small donation or by volunteering?

Further information is available at www.ectopic.org.uk

Email us at ept@ectopic.org.uk.

Our helpline is 020 7733 2653 (available Monday to Friday 10am - 4pm).

Detailed medical information can be found on our website. Please remember online medical information is NO SUBSTITUTE for expert medical advice from your own health care team.

6

That’s OK, I figured that was the case.

Thanks for your thoughts.

Also, would like to thank the lady who did email me, who said that she read my poem every morning… thank you so much for getting in touch, I am so glad to think that my words helped someone else. x