How do you deal with the anger?

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1

I’m having a huge problem with negativity, anger, and hopelessness.

On October 23, I found out that I was having an ectopic pregnancy (at about 6 weeks along). I had to have a methotrexate shot that night - after a long and painful day of being poked and prodded to be certain that it was definitively ectopic. This was my first pregnancy and we had been waiting such a long time until we could try. This destroyed me.

Throughout all of this, I was extremely depressed. I hardly ate for the first couple of weeks (at least partially due to my body’s response to the two rounds of methotrexate) and didn’t do much other than lay in bed and/or read about pregnancy loss on the web. I would lay for hours staring at the ceiling dwelling on the devastation. I couldn’t even manage to watch tv for over 6 weeks. Even now I can hardly stand to do any of the things that I used to love to do.

I’m not in the same depressed mood I was initially, but I find that I’m angry and negative most of the time. Everything seems so pointless. Why should I get my hopes up when everything ends so badly?

Worst of all, I still am not sure that I want to ttc again. Before this, I had been so anxious to start a family for a very long time. I was excited. I wanted to knit baby blankets, plan a nursery on Pinterest, keep a pregnancy journal, all of it.

And once I went off the pill, I basically went on a pregnancy diet (eating really well, taking prenatals, not drinking, avoiding certain foods) so that I’d be ready. I did everything right… and this still happened. I had no risk factors… and this still happened.

For a good amount of time, I had to tell myself that I don’t have to try again just to calm myself a bit. I suppose I needed a bit of control over my own life. Now, after 9 weeks of “coping” after having my first dose of methotrexate, I have had some thoughts about possibly ttc again. Every time I have a thought like that, it’s matched by negativity and anger.

I feel like all I will do is worry and assume that the worst will happen. I also don’t like the idea of sharing any of it with other people. The idea of people congratulating me, being happy for me, or throwing me a shower makes me angry and gives me anxiety. I’m not even to a point that I can try again, and yet the whole idea of me being happy about it seems impossible.

Seeing pregnant women makes me angry. The idea of me being pregnant again makes me angry. I go through my days feeling some combination of hopeless, numb, and angry and I just don’t know how to force myself to want to be happy.

I know I’m not in a good mindset to ttc again yet and that I will need time to work through all of this, but I’m 33 and can’t wait forever. I just worry that if I wait until I’m ready again, it will be problematic because of my age. But if I rush into it, then I’m not sure that I’ll be able to enjoy any of it. I’m truly not sure that I can allow myself to be happy or optimistic. Hope seems like such a naive concept right now.

Did anyone else go through any of this? I feel like most of my thoughts are so abnormal. I never used to be an angry person.

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Dear NyrN84,

I am so sorry to hear of your ectopic pregnancy and loss,

When we experience ectopic pregnancy we are suddenly faced with a life threatening emergency and it’s treatment, reduction in fertility, concerns about the future and the loss of our babies, experiencing any one of these is an ordeal, putting them together is immense and your feelings are completely normal.

I know that when I had my ectopic pregnancy I also looked for a reason and often a reason cannot be found. Almost automatically we tend to blame ourselves. From the bottom of my heart, there is nothing you could have done to prevent the ectopic pregnancy from happening. I cannot emphasise enough - you are not to blame. We also hear from many women who struggle with seeing other pregnant women. This is very normal and I was the same after my loss. I also struggled to be around friends and family who were pregnant. This does not make us “bad” people and it is possible to be happy for those around us while grieving for our own loss. Pregnancies and babies can be a very stark reminder of what could have been and it can be painful. Please do be gentle with yourself and you can talk to us whenever you need.

It is normal to feel anxious about the future. We generally feel a mix of emotions from wanting to try again to being petrified of what may lie ahead. We never forget our babies but we can learn to accept what has happened. It is a slow process - might be weeks or months ahead. In time, we can get to a place where we feel comfortable trying again. When this is, is individual for each person. There is no timeframe for recovery, take each day as it comes.

Importantly early scans avail. As soon as you know you are pregnant, contact your local EPU to inform them and book in for an early scan at around six weeks. Remind them of your previous ectopic pregnancy. This self refer route is the best route in our view. Hopefully you will have some comfort to know you are under the radar of medical professionals right away.

The chances of a further ectopic after a first in UK is 10%. So that’s 90% chance of the embryo being in right place next time.

While generally it is possible to conceive after an ectopic pregnancy, the amount of time it takes varies from couple to couple. Factors include age, general health, reproductive health and how often you have sex, among other things. It may be comforting to know that 65% of women are successfully pregnant within 18 months of experiencing an ectopic pregnancy and some studies suggest this rises to around 85% after two years.

As a gentle reminder following Methotrexate injections, you should wait until your hCG levels have fallen to below 5mIU/mL (your doctor will advise you when this is through blood tests) and then take a folic acid supplement for 12 weeks before you try to conceive. This is because the Methotrexate may have reduced the level of folate in your body which is needed to ensure a baby develops healthily. The Methotrexate is metabolised quickly but it can affect the quality of your cells, including those of your eggs and the quality of your blood for up to three months after it has been given. The medicine can also affect the way your liver works and so you need to give your body time to recover properly before a new pregnancy is considered. A shortage of folate could result in a greater chance of a baby having a neural tube defect such as hare lip, cleft palate, or even spina bifida or other NT defects. This is why the “wait” and then taking folic acid for 12 weeks before trying to conceive is so important.

We at the Trust believe that talking through what happened and your emotions as and when you can helps the healing process. If you feel that you are having more down days than good ones, or your anger is becoming overwhelming, we have many ways we can help.

We operate a helpline service and there’s no pressure whatsoever but if you would ever like the opportunity to speak over the phone to someone who has been through a similar experience, do feel free to call, details are below. We can take things at your pace entirely and you are free to ask any questions that are on your mind. You can talk about the ordeal you have been through and express your feelings to vent and let off some steam. We can exchange emails too, if you prefer that route. We’ll simply be here for you, however you wish and for as long as you wish.

In addition, you can ask to see a GP at your practice and ask them to explore ways in which you can get help and this can include referrals for “talking therapies” or counselling. We have information on our website about finding counselling services.

The charity Mind may also be of assistance. They have local centres and support groups and can offer services on a means-tested basis or sometimes free. You can find your local centre following this link if that may be useful too: http://www.mind.org.uk/information-support/local-minds/

There is no time frame for how long it takes us to heal emotionally and it is completely normal to feel anxious about the future. We will never forget our pregnancy or babies but we can learn to accept what has happened and crucially understand that it wasn’t our fault.

Sending much love and warm hugs,

Karen x

If we have been able to help you, are you able to help us with a small donation or by volunteering?

Further information is available at http://www.ectopic.org.uk

Email us at ept@ectopic.org.uk.

Our helpline is 020 7733 2653 (available Monday to Friday 10am - 4pm).

Detailed medical information can be found on our website. Please remember online medical information is NO SUBSTITUTE for expert medical advice from your own health care team.

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Im so sorry for your loss.

I found out i was pregnant 6th november tje following week i had severe pain in my right side then for almost 2 weeks i was having hch levels monitored they said it was a miscarrage but i knew it wasnt just that. Then they finally done a scan amd found ot in my tube, they didnt want to do keyhole so gave me.methetraxate to (that was awful) and that didnt work i then had it again( was very pissed off by then) that didnt work either so i ended up having surgery on the 10th dec 4 weeks after it all started!!

But i know how you feel i dont drink i had stopped smoking so why did it happen?!

Im so angry aswell i dont really like being round people unless its family because i dont want to have to explain to people why im in pain amd not my usual self. Some days i can be really happy and other days i just hate everyone. Id say your feeling the way you should your hormones will be going back to normal to so thats why it will all be up an down emotional wise. Its horrible i put the tv on but i just stare at it i cant really take in anything anyone says to me. I feel so numb amd sad that everything that me and my partner had planned when we found out came crashing down 5 days later. Im off work the now since it all happened and recovering from surgery im on my 3rd week now but mentally im drained i dont know how to cope with it all its like everyone wants you to go back to normal doing everything you used to but physically from surgery i cant and i feel like i let everyone down and now they are all caring for me like im a burden. I hope your ok xxx

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Dear NyrN84

I am so sorry to hear about your loss. I wanted to share my story if in any way it gives you and other ladies any hope.

I had an ectopic way back in 2009. I was heartbroken. Up until then we had been trying for over a year. I was 28 at the time.

I like you had two methotrexate shots and was told not to conceive for 6 months.

After a hycosy it was found it had resulted in a blocked tube.

I’m not going to say it was an easy journey but as a result of clomid I am now a mum to Harry (at 31) and Florence (at 37)

Don’t give up hope

Xxx

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Hi ladies

I’m really sorry, your going through this difficult time in your life, it will pass.

I had ectopic last year and a miscarriage now. Ever since I’ve found out about my miscarriage, I’ve become very nasty, I get very angry really quickly and take it out on my hubby, I blame the hormones and do apologies to him but it’s too late by then as I have done the damage! He’s not talking to me at the moment and I have said I’m sorry.

I feel no one understands or cares, I wish I can get into a box and hide…

Thank you for listening

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Thank you for your responses. I have felt so alone even though I have people who are trying to understand and be there for me. Reading through these forums has helped me to feel less alone.

I have been doing slightly better this week with the negativity. I’m still not great but I’m trying. 10 weeks ago I didn’t think I would ever be able to function again so maybe time really will help me heal. But, I’m not the same person I was before this happened. And I’m not sure I’ll ever be able to be hopeful or feel joy again, at least not without that feeling of dread.

Lorna_CJ9303 - I think that numb feeling is how I made it through the past 10 weeks. It is so emotionally draining feeling the weight of what happened. I also hated it when people pushed me to do “normal” things. I know that I’m exhausting to be around, but they just didn’t/don’t understand. I’m just now figuring out what my new normal is. I hate it that you (and so many others) had to go through surgery. The methotrexate was awful enough. Anyway, I hope that you are feeling better. If nothing else, know you’re not alone.

emmakristina - Thanks for sharing your story. I’m not ready to be hopeful. It is good to know that you made it through. I know it probably seems crazy to ask, but were you able to enjoy being pregnant after your experience? I’m already worried and I’m not even ready to think about trying again. I was so happy and optimistic when I found out I was pregnant. I’m scared that I won’t be able to feel happy if it ever happens again. I know it’s crazy, but my perspective has changed so much.

Love20-9-16 - I know how you feel wanting to hide away from the world. For the first (many) weeks I really wanted to run away from my life or at least isolate myself as much as possible. I also haven’t been too great to my husband. I have been so negative for so long that I’ve been crushing his hopes too. It’s difficult for me to remember that he’s going through this too. It’s different for him but he’s dealing with the loss and then worrying about me on top of it. He hates feeling helpless. I hope things are going better with your hubby.

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Thank you NyrN84 for replying.

Me and my hubby made up, we do in the end, I guess it’s a matter of being more understanding towards each other.

Things do get better, just take every day as it comes and give yourself all the time you need. I went back to work yesterday and it did me good as my husband even notice a change in my mood.

I feel the same, I don’t think I’m that same person anymore as the whole experience has changed me. I’m not sure when I’d feel ready to try again, I’m too scared!!

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Working has helped me pass the time, but I’m a teacher (mostly 5 & 6 year olds, but all the way up to 14) so for me it’s also a source of dread. And with so many coworkers and parents who are pregnant or have babies it’s pretty much impossible for me to catch a break.

Also, I chose to not share my experience with my coworkers because I couldn’t deal with talking about it at work, so they don’t even know that their conversations about babies etc is bothering me. I try to avoid social situations at work as much as possible for this reason.

Love20-9-16 - I’m right there with you. I’m terrified to try again. I’ve got such an awful feeling that things are just going to keep going wrong. And even if they don’t, I’m so negative that I’m not sure I could even be happy about it. I guess you’re right about taking one day at a time. The days are just so long and I don’t fall asleep easy at night. I have at least been able to watch some tv again, so there’s that I guess.

I’m glad things are back on track with your husband. I know I’ve been rough on mine, but I’ve been really lucky with how understanding he is about my moods. Still, it’s tough going through this with him but dealing with such different feelings. He is good to me but just doesn’t understand what I’m going through.

It’s nice to have these forums, because people are going (or have been) through variations of this tragedy so people here do understand- even if they feel differently.

This discussion has been helpful. I hate that you have been through these awful experiences, but I do appreciate the conversation.