Heart is broken...

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I suffered an eptopic pregnant in February this year which was truly heartbreaking. It was treated with methotrexate and we waited the 3 months as advised before trying again. 2 months after that I found out I was pregnant and had my 6 week reassurance scan where everything looked perfect, I went yesterday for a 9 week scan to be told the baby had died around 8 weeks. Heart broken doesn’t even begin to describe the pain I feel right now. I’m empty and lost and I don’t know how to cope.

I still have to go back to the hospital Monday and endure another scan then discuss my options as I’ve had no bleeding or pain yet.

Please can someone tell me there’s light at the end of the tunnel as all I can see is darkness.

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I have sent you a private message. X x

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P.s. I’ve sent you an email, just realised you won’t be able to reply via email back to me as for some reason I can’t log in to my email account, not sure what I’m doing wrong! Anyway at least you can read what I wanted to say in private, you’re welcome to chat to me on here as will be the only way I can get back to you. Hope that make sense. X x

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Nicola I am so so sorry. I truly do not now what to say. I have just returned from holiday and headed straight here and I am devastated to read this. I wish I could take away the pain, anger and sadness you must both be feeling.

I’m sorry Nicola. I’m lost for words…

Thinking of you. Please take care of yourself. Sending you love and big hugs xxxxx

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Nicola I’m truly so sorry n sad for u to be going through this hrarbreak n pain. It is so unfair.

It’s obviously so raw n prob still a shock for u that u need plenty of time to heal emotionally n physically n mentally.

I really hope u n ur partner can support each other as well as having support from ur family n friends.

All u can do is take it a day at a time.

We never forget our beautiful lil angel baby’s but I promise u the pain will in time become less raw.

I wish I could make it better for u…

I first got pregnant in Aug 14 & at 10 wks preg I had signs of pain n spotting n was given a scan after 6 days of this at 11 wks preg. I was devastated to be told I my baby was smaller than should be n had died 3 wks ago also at 8 wks. It freaked me out to know I had been carrying a dead baby in me for 3 wks n onl had symptons 6 days prior to my scan. I had already started miscarring n I went home n the following day continued to miscarry n the nxt day o had the d&c opp to remove what was left.

Me n my bf waited the advised 2 cycles n like the first time we got preg again after one month n I got to just over 6 wks n started to spot n cramp again for 6 days again n got sn early scan.

At the scan they said nothing showed at my scan n there was something on my tube but they were not certain what ir was so they told me at 7 wks I was having a PUL (ectopic or miscarriage)

This time I didn’t cry uncontrollably like the first time. . I think I was just numb but I did get depressed n just was in shock. Both pregnanies id taken folic acid n tried to be healthy n positive.

Me n my bf waited 2 cycles again to ttc but I wasn’t getting preg n I even asked doc for tests but he sent me away telling me to try for two more months naturally n I didn’t realize then after 7 months of ttc I was preg.

So with it bein my 3rd preg I had an early 6 wks scan n all was well n im now 36 wks preg n all is well.

I guess I just wanted you to know that I’m proof that after loosing two beautiful angel baby’s like u have 3rd time lucky im almost there.

I still get sad about the two baby’s I lost but it does become less raw n if I can have a healthy preg 3rd time lucky thenso can u.

Please take each day as it comes n let out the anger n pain ur feeling n lean on family n friends n ur partner n this forum for support.

I’m here anytime u need to talk.

I’m sending u big hugs n lotsa love n i will pray for u.

Prncess Pink x x x

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Thanks all for your lovely comments.

Butterfly1 - thank you. I didn’t feel right the last few weeks and my lack of symptoms really worried me but it was still such a shock. Here’s to third time lucky - although I can’t think about TTC at this moment.

Kate - I responded to your email and then saw this so I have sent it through the forum. I hope you get it but not sure if that goes to your email too?

Princess pink - I’m so sorry to hear of all the pain you have been through - but I am so glad to hear you are pregnant now and all is going well: it really does give me hope in this dark time. I had a scan at 6 weeks where all looked perfect so it was such a huge shock this week and like you say to find out it happened weeks back just makes it even worse. I have started bleeding now and have a hospital appointment on Monday so I guess they will check all is happening as it should and if not they can assist. We will wait the advise time as I think 2 losses this year is enough - I can’t cope with another quite so soon.

Xx

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Nicola thank u for ur reply n kind words :wink:

I just wanted to share with u what I had been through so u would know ur not alone n that ur not the only one who lost their baby before u even knew ( Coz ur the one other person who has experienced that, whom I’ve spoken to)

I know it’s just all heartbreaking n I really am sorry for ur pain.

I can’t imagine what it was like for u to be told at an earlier scan all was well n then a few weeks later for this to happen.

As well as hear ache I can imagine u must still be in alot of shock.

I just also wanted to give u reassurance that it is possible for u to get healthy preg again after two devastating losses.

Of course is way too early for u to even think about it now I just wanted to relate to u n give u hope.

Each time I have got pregnant I managed to convieve real quick within a month n iv always waited the recommended 2 cycle wait after a loss.

I think ttc has helped me to deal with each loss even thou I did feel like giving up after my first loss but needed something to focus on n didn’t want to give up hope. … plus I went bk to work with toddlers n babies too soon after a week but I just needed to keep busy mentally. I found this forum after my 2nd loss coz u needed to talk to other women who would understand.

I got really down wen after waiting for two cycles I didn’t conceive straight away again n 7 months took for ever for it to happen but I think I was too focused on it n stressed about it n maybe it was good my body had a break for longer after I had lost two babies in the space of 5 months. … but I really started to worry it would never happen for me or I would have another loss. Plus also me n my bf are age 39 n both 40 in December so I felt we couldn’t just wait ages before trying again. So I am greatful to be where I am today.

I believe u will get yr 3rd time lucky rainbow like me :slight_smile:

But in the meantime of course u don’t want to even think about it.

I just pray ul be ok n give urself time to heal n I really hope u n ur partner are supporting each other.

Il be thinking of u on Monday when u have ur hospital appointment n I’m here for u anytime u need to talk or vent or need support.

I’m sending u hugs n lotsa love n il continue to pray for u.

You will be ok… one step at a time n justa tthought but weni lost my first baby I lit a candle n said a prayer for her or him with my bf n it helped me to be able to grieve I think n u know what my bf cried too n its the only time I have ever seen him cry ever so I think it was what we needed to do.

Lotsa healing vibes from me to u.

Princess Pink x x x

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Thank you princess pink - your words really are helping me.

I am sure once this initially pain and the physical pain of the miscarriage is gone my head will be clearer and we can focus on the future and trying again. It is reassuring to hear you fell pregnant quite quickly both times but like you say maybe your body needed the break in between to have a healthy pregnancy this time. My biggest fear is next time I have to go through it all again to check it’s not eptopic and then manage to get past the 8 week mark.

It makes me happy you are so close to having your baby in your hands - I’m sure you still have a degree of werk with all you have been through but it’s so close for you now.

The woman at the hospital have been great and have said we will see you again and in better circumstances and they really seemed to believe it so I hope that’s the case.

I will light a candle I think as you suggested and I think that baby in heaven will send me a little baby when the time is right.

Have you found out what you are having? Please keep in touch - I would love to know when baby arrives and that all is well.

Take care xx

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i had over 3 losses but even so, with perseverance my family was formed and my heart is healing. Time heals. I am sorry for your losses. 1 loss is too many, and Uncertainty is very difficult. One day this will be behind you, hang in there.

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Thank you Sharon. I won’t give up that’s for sure. Xx

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Not having much luck with accessing email, am thinking of you today. X x

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Thanks Kate - I’m thinking of you also. Really hope you are ok and I really appreciated your email. Hopefully you will get mine. If there’s a better email address I can reply to you on them send it to me through the message section and I’ll reply to that. Xx

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That’s ok, we can talk on here, still no luck, me and technology just don’t go together. We’ve just got back from a well needed break away, feel a lot better now. Once this nightmare is over for you, get away for a bit, honestly it has really helped me, we just booked a late deal and off we went! So sorry I left the forum before, just needed some time to get my head around things, but I’m here now to support you through it, here for you anytime! X x

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Ur welcome Nicola… I’m glad if my words are any comfort to u :wink:

Yes definitely I agree with u… u need to heal physically n let urself grieve n gradually ur physical pain will be gone n in time ur emotional n mental pain will lessen for u.

Only then I agree that ul be able to focus on ur future. It just will take sometime. Im just pleased that ur clever enough to know this even as ur suffering so much.

Yea ur rite I was lucky to fall preg quickly both times n yea I think my body needed a break before getting pregnant this third time n to give me a chance of a healthy preg. Plus I think it took me longer to conceive this 3rd time coz I got a bit too obsessed n focused on trying to get pregnant.

Yeah I understand what ur saying re ur next pregnancy. … it us scary but once get the good news its such a relief.

I remember with this preg I had my early scan at 6 wks n 2 days to rule out ectopic which was all good n I cried outa relief especially as it was in same room n same couch where I had received bad news at previous scans.

Then not long after I remember waking one night in agony with cramps n I was violently sick n I was saying sorry to my bf coz I thought I was miscarring but it was jus servere sickness either morning sickness or a bug or something. Actually I think that happened mayb a week or so before my first 6 wks scan.

Awww thank u that means alot to me…I know. I’m lucky n hreatful to know be 37 wks preg. I think coz this is my 3rd preg in 2 yrs I feel like iv been preg so long. I still get sad n worried coz of my two losses but time helps n being preg again now definitely helps the pain coz its something n someone positive to focus on.

Awww im so glad the women at ur hospital were so supportive to u.

I too believe ul be back there having healthy scans n eventually a healthy baby :wink:

That is really nice ul light a candle for ur beautiful baby n that’s a lovely idea n thought about ur baby sending u another miricle baby :wink: wen the time is right.

In May this yr even though I was preg with my baby now I remembered the date my first baby would of been age 1 n I told my bf n we lit a candle n said a prayer for her/him I said something sentimental about that Il always love her/him N never forget about her or him n one day il be with her or him. And I believe both my angel babies are together in heaven n that my Dad n gran who passed are looking after them.

I guess lighting a candle n saying a prayer gives a bit if comfort n helps u to grieve I think.

Yes I am having a lil girl :wink:

I will keep in touch n you too…I want to know ur ok n to support u if u need it n wen ur ready to ttc again il be there to support u as u go thru ur scans etc.

I guess we have to believe tjings happen for a reason n wen they are meant to.

My twin sis has four kids age 18, 11, 9 &2 all boys n youngest is a girl n we are close n I always thought she was the one to have the kids n Iv always been auntie. And after my losses I thought mayb I wasn’t meant to be a mum n it was hard with my first preg that I found out I was preg just before she gave birth to her daughter even though my niece was born wen I found out I was preg. Then wen I miscarried my sis felt bad to visit me with her couple months old baby but I wanted to see her…I just couldn’t bring myself to hold her for a little while but I eventually did again n my niece gave ne hope thst I would have another chance to get preg again.

Now wen my baby us born shell be two yrs apart from my niece is nice to know.

With this preg I was still scared before my 12 wks scan n my twin sis brought my baby a bib which says a suoerstar was born in 2016. I told her it was too early for that but she said it was to show me she knew this baby would be ok.

I panicked at my 12 wks scan coz nothing came up on the screen so I thought I had lost a 3rd baby but nurse said it was coz my pelvis was tilted. But they did a internal scan instead n confirmed all was well with baby.

Just take each day at a time n except love n support from others n please take it easy n I look forward to one day soon hearing positive news from u.

Sending u hugs.

Princess Pink x x x

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Kate - I totally understand why you needed to leave the forum for a bit - it’s so hard isn’t it but we are all here to support each other. We are definitely going to look at booking a weekend away somewhere once all the hospital visits have finished. I hope you get on ok on Tuesday and can finally try and move forward again. The visits back and forth are relentless aren’t they. I’m feeling more positive day by day but I’m definitely finding this more difficult than the eptopic - I think because things seemed to be ok to start with and then all of a sudden they weren’t was a huge shock - I couldn’t do anything with the eptopic. At least this time when we are ready we can try and again and I don’t have the 3 month wait. How you are feeling now?

Princess pink - I am feeling slightly better day by day - I guess the shock is sinking in and I’ve just got to focus on moving forward now. I know when we do feel ready to try again that I won’t do any tracking or anything - I don’t want to get into the mindset that we need to be having sex at a certain time as I want it to happen naturally. Putting pressure on yourself only makes it harder like you said.

It does feel like everyone else around me is getting pregnant but I try to remember that I don’t everyone’s story and who knows what struggles they have had to TTC. I will definitely keep in touch and hopefully I will have some good news soon and can have that to focus on.

Enjoy your last few weeks of pregnancy - your little one is going to be here soon xxx

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Nicola I’m glad ur feeling a lil bit better day by day…that is all u can do taking it slow to heal in every way.

U will get there.

That is a good idea to ttc more naturally wen ur ready to do so is what I should of done. … I remember getting secretly angry if my bf wasn’t up for ttc on one of my ovulating days n I started to think he was not into it as much as me but when I said something he told me he felt like he was being used just to ttc coz it was only time I was initiating sex.

I didn’t mean it to be that way its just all I could focus on which I guess wasn’t healthy n i remember us going away at my ovulation time n aft ttc then ut still didn’t work n one month I was late by couple days n my body was showing pregnancy signs I even threw uo n then I was just 3 days late. So it proved by me putting so much energy on it made it take longer so wen u are ready to ttc in the future I def think u ttc naturally is a great idea.

I look forward to hearing ur good news one day soon n in meanwhile I just pray ul gradually heal n never give up hope n have ur partner n friends n family to lean on.

Yeah I understand what ur saying n I was the same n struggled seeing even pregnant mums at my nursery job most days.

But u are right u don’t know their stories n I found after having two pregnancy losses that more people have suffered them too but we just didn’t know about it n most of them have now got beautiful baby’s/children so that is what gave me hope that obe day I would have one or more of my own n u will too I really believe that. … only God knows wen but u will wen ur meant to same as for me.

My twin sis always told me not to give up n that my future baby or babies know their birth dates n will come to me wen they are meant to. … so that kinda gave me a bit of comfort n hope. .

Thank you so much n I will do :wink:

Msg me anytime u want n il keep praying for ur recovery n well piece of mind n sending u baby dust for wen ur ready to try again.

Sending u hugs n positive vibes. Oh n Good luck for Monday. … il be thinking of u.

Princess Pink x x x

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I’m ok, just something inside of me knew I was going to go through another loss and I was right, but I’m just thinking now, whenever it’s going to happen it will, but I know for certain I’m not getting hung up on TTC, it has taken over my life and I refuse to do this again, and hopefully one day will be a nice surprise, we’ll see, I think because I want a baby so badly it’s not happening.

I’ve Just got to take a test on Tuesday to ensure it’s negative otherwise they’ll be concerned they missed something when doing the vacuum procedure, which could cause infection apparently, and really don’t want an infection after this! Luckily this time for me, all was over in 2 weeks, well hopefully, if test is negative! but my ectopic went on for 6 weeks, so in terms of time span, felt I could move on quicker as was over quicker but ectopic dragged on and on! I really hope Monday can go as well as it can and I’ll be thinking of you. Lots of love.

And p.s. a breakaway gave me something to look forward to and really helped, definitely recommend it! X x

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Princess pink - thank you - it’s nice to talk to you as I know you have been there and understand and I will definitely keep in touch and let you know when I have some good news. For now it’s getting over this and luckily I have a fantastic husband and amazing friends and family around me. I just feel sad they have had to worry about me so much this year and I hope I can share good news with them soon.

You are right about not knowing what struggles other people have had - my mums friend has suffered a loss at the same time as me so we have been in contact and supporting each other - sometimes it’s easier to talk to people you know understand.

I guess it’s like learning to ride a bike. You fall off and you have to get back on again otherwise you risk getting so scared that you won’t. I’ll let you knew how I get on when I go back on Monday.

Kate - I think you just know don’t you when something isn’t right - I had no symptoms whatsoever and I kept telling myself that it wasn’t right but trying to convince myself I was getting worked up because of the eptopic but I actually had more symptoms with that. Have they said you need to wait one cycle and then you can try again? I hope you have had lots is support at this difficult time. A friend of mine suffered an eptopic a few months before I did and had to have her tube removed and she has been trying ever since which is around 9 months now - I just can’t believe how common these things actually are - when you see statistics and it’s single figures you think it will never happen to me.

Please keep in touch and I am here whenever you want to chat - it has to be our turn soon for some luck.

Take care

Nicola xx

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You are in my thoughts Nicola and I will especially be thinking of you tomorrow. Sending you a big hug.

Kate- I am sorry and I hope you ok.

Take care xx

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Thank you Butterfly1. Really hope all is well with you. Hopefully this is just a one of blip and next time will finally be the right time for us. Xx