First Pregnancy ended ectopic

Preparing For Your Next Pregnancy
1

Hi all,

This is my first time posting here and I can begin to describe the hurt and pain and absolute devastation I am feeling for the loss of my husband’s and mines future. We both wanted to be parents so badly and are in complete devastation over our first and likely only pregnancy ending ectopic.

I was formally diagnosed and treated with MTX yesterday. The doctor said the mass was so tiny and lodged next to my ovary (but not attached to my ovary) so I didn’t have to lose my tube. But the egg never even made it to the tube which is disturbing enough for me.

My chances of another ectopic skyrocket now. I know this. And its far more likely I get pregnant again and it will get lodged in my tube like a proper ectopic and I’ll lose a part of my anatomy.

I’m grateful to have found this forum since I’m from the US and I am learning we have shit for resources and support over here since apparently the 1% doesn’t matter in America.

I so badly wanted to be a mom. My husband deserves to be a dad. I’ve begged him already to leave me to go find someone who isn’t damaged and broken and can give him the children he deserves. I dont know how to survive this and truthfully, part of me doesn’t want to. I don’t want to be motherless. But I can’t have children. IVF is a ridiculously expensive joke which would probably just end in another ectopic since the risk is so high.

Has anyone been able to walk away and stop crying? Or am I destined for a life of repeated failure and torture since my husband and I still want a family?

2

Lostafterfirsttry:
Hi all,

This is my first time posting here and I can begin to describe the hurt and pain and absolute devastation I am feeling for the loss of my husband’s and mines future. We both wanted to be parents so badly and are in complete devastation over our first and likely only pregnancy ending ectopic.

I was formally diagnosed and treated with MTX yesterday. The doctor said the mass was so tiny and lodged next to my ovary (but not attached to my ovary) so I didn’t have to lose my tube. But the egg never even made it to the tube which is disturbing enough for me. I’m 29 with no apparent obvious risk factors for EP so I just don’t understand why this happened to me and how the rest of my limited fertile days have been taken from me.

My chances of another ectopic skyrocket now. I know this. And its far more likely I get pregnant again and it will get lodged in my tube like a proper ectopic and I’ll lose a part of my anatomy.

I’m grateful to have found this forum since I’m from the US and I am learning we have [censored word] for resources and support over here since apparently the 1% doesn’t matter in America.

I so badly wanted to be a mom. My husband deserves to be a dad. I’ve begged him already to leave me to go find someone who isn’t damaged and broken and can give him the children he deserves. I dont know how to survive this and truthfully, part of me doesn’t want to. I don’t want to be motherless. But I can’t have children. IVF is a ridiculously expensive joke which would probably just end in another ectopic since the risk is so high.

Has anyone been able to walk away and stop crying? Or am I destined for a life of repeated failure and torture since my husband and I still want a family?

3

Dear Lostafterfirsttry,

I am so sorry to hear of your ectopic pregnancy and loss,

When we experience ectopic pregnancy we are suddenly faced with a life threatening emergency and it’s treatment, reduction in fertility, concerns about the future and the loss of our babies. Experiencing any one of these is an ordeal, putting them together is immense and your feelings are completely normal.

The chances of a further ectopic after a first in UK is 10%. So that’s 90% chance of the embryo being in right place next time.

While generally it is possible to conceive after an ectopic pregnancy, the amount of time it takes varies from couple to couple. Factors include age, general health, reproductive health and how often you have sex, among other things. It may be comforting to know that 65% of women are successfully pregnant within 18 months of experiencing an ectopic pregnancy and some studies suggest this rises to around 85% after two years.

It is normal to feel anxious about the future. We generally feel a mix of emotions from wanting to try again to being petrified of what may lie ahead. We never forget, but we learn to accept what happened. It is a slow process that might be weeks or months ahead.

In time, we can get to a place where we feel comfortable trying again. When this is, is individual for each person. There is no timeframe for recovery, take each day as it comes.

Importantly early scans avail. As soon as you know you are pregnant, contact we advise booking in for an early scan at around six weeks. Remind them of your previous ectopic pregnancy. Hopefully you will have some comfort to know you are under the radar of medical professionals right away.

It saddens me that you say you are damaged or broken and have asked your husband to leave you. You are neither of these things. I know that when I had my ectopic pregnancy I also looked for a reason and almost automatically we tend to blame ourselves. From the bottom of my heart, there is nothing you could have done to prevent the ectopic pregnancy from happening. I cannot emphasise enough - you are not to blame. Please be kind to yourself.

My first pregnancy was ectopic, I too was treated with methotrexate and I hope it gives you some comfort to hear that I then went on to have two successful pregnancies.

There is no timeframe for recovery, please take each day as it comes. Above all be kind to yourself and allow time to grieve, to heal both physically and emotionally.

We will be here for you for as long as you need,

Sending much love and warm hugs,

Karen x

The Ectopic Pregnancy Trust

Registered Charity Number: 1071811

Ectopic pregnancy patient information suite: Highly Commended in the 2019 BMA Patient Information Awards

During the coronavirus outbreak, The EPT team is still working hard to provide crucial information and support to women and families experiencing ectopic pregnancy as quickly and efficiently as we can.

If we have been able to help you, are you able to help us with a small donation or by volunteering or fundraising?

Further information is available at ectopic.org.uk

Email us: ept@ectopic.org.uk

We provide a call-back helpline service: 020 7733 2653

Take a look at our newsletters and subscribe to our mailing list here: https://mailchi.mp/986bdd6091ee/ectopic-matters

Detailed medical information can be found on our website. Please remember online medical information is NO SUBSTITUTE for expert medical advice from your own health care team

4

Thank you Karen.

This is so hard as I’ve been trolling the internet looking and praying for any glimmer of hope. I’ve read stories of some women going on to have successful pregnancies and your story is no different.

But that can’t possibly happen for me you know? 65% is such a dismal number. I’ve already been a part of the 1% of failures. How could I possibly be a part of the 65% rate of success? That just doesn’t make sense.

I had no risk factors to cause this. I’m 29, never had an STD, dont smoke, my cycles are incredibly regular, I have both my tubes still. It doesn’t make sense but for some cruel joke of God’s. I’ve never felt more hated by a diety.

I dont see a happy ending for me and I know for most women who have ectopics there’s no happy ending for them either (I think the 35% weighs more heavily here).

My guess is it never actually stops hurting. I dont really see myself ever making peace with never being a mom.

I can’t forgive myself for my husband never getting to be a dad (he’s too stubborn to leave and he stupidly believes we can still get pregnant despite all the statistics working against us).

I understand it is no one else’s fault that my body is dysfunctional, however it doesn’t make it hurt less seeing other people happy so easily with what I so desperately wanted.

Is there really a future now? I just don’t see it.

5

Dear lostafterfirsttry,

There certainly is a future, I am proof of that. We have lots of positive story’s from many women who successfully conceive following ectopic pregnancy.

I felt so utterly empty and devastated following my ectopic pregnancy, but time does heal. Mine was 10 years ago. I still miss my baby but don’t think about my loss on a regular basis anymore. If course anniversaries are difficult still.

You have a 90% chance of a successful pregnancy next time. That’s pretty good odds. Like you, many women, including myself have absolutely no risk factors. We will never know why this happened and this can be a difficult thing to overcome. But you must understand that this isn’t your fault and I would urge you not to push away your loved ones/partner at this time as they can help you heal.

You have been through such a traumatic experience and it is going to take time to come to terms with. It really is early days and I urge you to be more gentle and kind to yourself.

After a frightening ordeal like ectopic pregnancy, some women find that they suffer from Post Traumatic Stress and symptoms can include anxiety and not being able to focus on everyday things like work. There are a number of avenues that you could look into to get the help that you need.

We at the Trust believe that talking through what happened and your emotions as and when you can helps the healing process. We operate a helpline service and there’s no pressure whatsoever but if you would ever like the opportunity to speak over the phone to someone who has been through a similar experience, do feel free to call, details are below. We can take things at your pace entirely and you are free to ask any questions that are on your mind. You can talk about the ordeal you have been through and express your feelings to vent and let off some steam. We can exchange emails too, if you prefer that route. We’ll simply be here for you, however you wish and for as long as you wish.

In addition, you can ask to see a GP at your practice and ask them to explore ways in which you can get help and this can include referrals for “talking therapies” or counselling.

We have information on our website about finding counselling services and we have more information here: http://www.ectopic.org.uk/patients/emotional-impact/

The charity Mind may also be of assistance. They have local centres and support groups and can offer services on a means-tested basis or sometimes free. You can find your local centre following this link if that may be useful too: http://www.mind.org.uk/information-support/local-minds/

Many women experience feelings of isolation after an ectopic pregnancy - I did, too. It is a frightening experience. Like you, I reached out to the Trust for support and we will be here for you to lean on for as long as you need.

Please lean on us for as long as you need,

Sending much love and warm hugs,

Karen x

The Ectopic Pregnancy Trust

Registered Charity Number: 1071811

Ectopic pregnancy patient information suite: Highly Commended in the 2019 BMA Patient Information Awards

During the coronavirus outbreak, The EPT team is still working hard to provide crucial information and support to women and families experiencing ectopic pregnancy as quickly and efficiently as we can.

If we have been able to help you, are you able to help us with a small donation or by volunteering or fundraising?

Further information is available at ectopic.org.uk

Email us: ept@ectopic.org.uk

We provide a call-back helpline service: 020 7733 2653

Take a look at our newsletters and subscribe to our mailing list here: https://mailchi.mp/986bdd6091ee/ectopic-matters

Detailed medical information can be found on our website. Please remember online medical information is NO SUBSTITUTE for expert medical advice from your own health care team

6

Hi Karen,

I’m from the States so calling isn’t an option.

Maybe emailing would be easier than this?

I just need someone to talk to and vent to since no one understands what’s happening to me.

My husband told me last night he would be heartbroken if we didn’t try again. I don’t want to break his heart, but another ectopic would break his heart too and there is far more likelihood of that happening than a normal pregnancy. I feel like I’m in a lose-lose situation. I have to try again to prove to him I’m defective and can never give him children. But either way I disappoint him and break his heart.

It doesn’t matter how many women have success stories. For every 1, there are statistically 1000 more who never go one to have children.

I’m in the 1000 obviously.

7

Why are you torturing yourself so much? I went through the same 6 months ago and now we are trying again.

First thing: it’s not your fault. You are not defective. This happens. It’s nobody’s fault.

Second thing: give yourself time to overcome the situation. You are going to feel better soon. Now you are going through many hormonal changes in your body.

You are young and have many years ahead to try again. Be patience and trust that everything will be fine. Remain calm.

Hope you feel better soon. You will feel better soon :blush:

8

Hope you feel better soon. You will feel better soon :blush:

[url removed per Trust policy]

9

Hello,

After just experiencing my second ectopic pregnancy within seven months, I totally understand what you mean about statistics. I was told after my first ectopic, that my odds were good for my next pregnancy to be successful.

Though I am extremely concerned for my future fertility, I still remain hopeful. I know there have been stories of people having one or two ectopics and later having successful pregnancies. IVF is also another option.

Please don’t give up hope. Let go of the blame. Practice self-care and focus on the positives in your life. Lean on your husband during this time and seek counselling if needed. I would also advise that you could talk to a Fertility specialist about your options.

I am here if you want someone to talk to.

Nicole