Hey ladies,
I’m wondering if it’s just me or it’s normal:
Mother natures little gift arrived today 4 days late!
I suffered an ectopic pregnancy October 2012 and list my left tube, my partner and I decided after seeing the consultant we would just keep trying. We have been TTC for 3 years now and had 3 miscarriages and the EP, he’s had his sperm tested and everything is really good! And I’ve got a app to have my tube tested in January,
But I’ve got to the point in thinking why am I bothering here!
I feel like I should just give up, I’ve had enough of this monthly disappointment, the constant pains from the EP that I thought may have subsided by now. I think everything’s just getting too much.
I feel I’m stuck, the walls are closing in and I just don’t know what to do for the best! I see and hear that other people (close friends and family) are pregnant and sometimes happily admit it was ‘by mistake’ and I fill with rage, I can’t be happy for anyone.
I’m just hoping this is a normal thing and others are going through this too, however I feel no one understands. I have no friends that have been thought what we have so I have no one to talk to, my partner is just a typical man he listens but does not know what to say. Or anything he does say I bite his head off even though I don’t mean to, I feel so angry all the time the smallest of things I just explode!
Have any of you felt/feeling like this?
Does it get better?
What am I supposed to do?
I feel like I’m suffering a mental breakdown. 
Hi siobhan
Sorry to hear you are feeling so low , but thank you for posting I assure you ( from my point of view) you are not alone in how you are feeling.
I know the feeling of the announcements from your close friends and family which set off a whirlwind of emotions and I personally feel like I ihave to over compensate by being very bright and happy about it ( which I am for them) but not for me , it makes me feel jealous that I can’t experience what the are. I also find it hard when people who know my situation ( 3 EPT this year and no children, trying to conceive for 18 months) address me when telling me the news " I don’t know how to tell you this , or I hope you don’t get upset … But " and it really annoys me that I am singled out by no fault of my own that they have to be different with me. I do also remedy it with the fact I know they love me so they are being sensitive but it does irritate me .
I also get strong feelings of jealousy when I see a pregnant women / a new baby as I can’t get to the stage myself naturally and i agree its not nice feeling , I’m not that person but I can’t help it !!
I can’t offer you any advice about how long it takes to not feel it , as i am not there yetI feel for me the only way I can feel different is by having a child myself. In the past I have also felt lots of excitement each month by thinking this could be the month followed by extreme lows of I can’t believe my period has just arrived. I can feel overwhelmed and consumed in one go. But then then I do think I have next month , lets try and see what happens, I realise I have been very lucky to conceive quickly after my EPT but I do know that each month I didn’t i would sit in wonderment and daydream about what isn’t ever going to happen for me , i think that’s normal too, but I do feel like my life is being taken over by trying to get pregnant and that not what I want my life to be .
I just wanted you to know you are not alone in your feelings and thoughts , and although I have only just joined this forum I feel it’s gives me a real comfort to read everyone else’s story and realise you are not alone , this does happen to people , just we don’t often hear about it . Take every day as it comes and remember you are allowed to feel like this , but also take a happy moment and try and reflect on that when you feeling low.
Sending you lots of love and positive thoughts, take care xxxxx
Dear Siobhan,
My heart broke for you reading this and I really could identify with how you felt. From my point of view, this really is the toughest point of the year emotionally. I don’t know why but it must be the whole Christmas and new year thing…
I remember going on holiday to Dubai for New Year just to get away and what should have been one of those lifetime memories watching the fireworks on the beach was simply me crying and hitting the lowest point of how I felt about everything. Just like you, I wanted a baby so much, had tried so hard and had been through so much heartbreak and felt I just couldn’t cope with any more.
I made a pledge to myself at that point that I wasn’t going to go through any more emotional ‘crap’ (2 years do trying and losses) as I just couldn’t cope and that I would give myself 3 months off to get my brain back in gear before approaching the medical profession to go the IVF route. I even set a date in my mind to take the pressure off and give myself more of a feeling of control about the situation…
Then low and behold I fell successfully pregnant naturally in the February. Coincidence or not, I will never know but what I am (probably badly sorry) trying to say is that sometimes we just need a total mental break from it all. It is such a hideous emotional roller coaster and it is okay to say ‘time out. I just need to go on pause and then rethink my game plan’. You have been through so much and it is normal and okay to feel overwhelmed by it all sometimes. You are so strong and admirable to be coping as well as you are!
I have everything crossed for you for a better 2014.
Much love,
EPT Host 13
Wow, thankyou for your honesty ladies, I am so touched by all you’ve written. I can’t believe how hard Christmas hit me this year, I’ve cried (sobbed) more in the last 2 weeks than I have in this whole journey! I have that raw, tearing hurt in my chest most days now and just wish I could respond normally to all the girls around me who constantly (it seems) announce their pregnancies. I feel so terrible for the feelings I have towards them. It makes me want to hang out with old ladies just because none of them will tell me they’re pregnant!! Man, I am so silly sometimes.
I too am considering IVF but just wish there were other alternatives that weren’t so drastic. I know it’s our most viable chance but I’m still not sure.
Shibhon, I really feel for you and wish I could change everything for you. I find I can allow myself a few down days at the beginning of my period each month, and buy myself some nice dark chocolate to munch on (or wine…!) while I have a little meltdown. I now have 1 friend I can talk to about all this, but she just had her baby today so I’ll have to keep my distance for a few weeks I think.
Hang in there girls, sending you love.