Does The Pain Ever Go Away?

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I’ve had an ectopic pregnancy June 20th, 2020 which was also my first pregnancy. I lost my son at 12 weeks and also my left fallopian tube. It was truly the worst experience of my life.

My question today is, does the pain/hurt of losing a child ever go away?

Lately I’ve found myself still depressed and crying a lot over it.

What are some things that others do to help deal with the pain?

I’ve tried to stay busy with work, studying and home since then, but regardless there’s no way to run from it. I’ve also done therapy, which I felt didn’t help much. However, I’ve been going for runs in the evenings, which makes me feel better. I try my best not to talk to people about it, because I feel others don’t really care or won’t even understand.

I’m tired of having these mental breakdowns and just seeking advice and coping tips on how others managed to deal with the pain.

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Dear godsangel,

I am so sorry to hear of your ectopic pregnancy and loss,

When we experience ectopic pregnancy we are suddenly faced with a life threatening emergency and it’s treatment, reduction in fertility, concerns about the future and the loss of our babies. Experiencing any one of these is an ordeal, putting them together is immense and your feelings are completely normal.

There is no timeframe for recovery however you continue to feel very low and sometimes the trauma of the event can be difficult to deal with. After a frightening ordeal like ectopic pregnancy, some women find that they suffer from Post Traumatic Stress and symptoms can include anxiety and not being able to focus on everyday things like work. I know you mentioned that you have had therapy but I wonder if you benefit from talking to a trauma specialist.

We at the Trust believe that talking through what happened and your emotions as and when you can helps the healing process. We operate a helpline service and there’s no pressure whatsoever but if you would ever like the opportunity to speak over the phone to someone who has been through a similar experience, do feel free to call, details are below. We can take things at your pace entirely and you are free to ask any questions that are on your mind. You can talk about the ordeal you have been through and express your feelings to vent and let off some steam. We can exchange emails too, if you prefer that route. We’ll simply be here for you, however you wish and for as long as you wish.

In addition, you can ask to see a GP at your practice and ask them to explore ways in which you can get help and this can include referrals for “talking therapies” or further counselling as mentioned above.

The charity Mind may also be of assistance. They have local centres and support groups and can offer services on a means-tested basis or sometimes free. You can find your local centre following this link if that may be useful too: http://www.mind.org.uk/information-support/local-minds/

Many women experience feelings of isolation after an ectopic pregnancy - I did, too. It is a frightening experience. Like you, I reached out to the Trust for support and we will be here for you to lean on for as long as you need.

Sending much love and warm hugs,

Karen x

The Ectopic Pregnancy Trust

Registered Charity Number: 1071811

Ectopic pregnancy patient information suite: Highly Commended in the 2019 BMA Patient Information Awards

During the coronavirus outbreak, The EPT team is still working hard to provide crucial information and support to women and families experiencing ectopic pregnancy as quickly and efficiently as we can.

If we have been able to help you, are you able to help us with a small donation or by volunteering or fundraising?

Further information is available at ectopic.org.uk

Email us: ept@ectopic.org.uk

We provide a call-back helpline service: 020 7733 2653

Take a look at our newsletters and subscribe to our mailing list here: https://mailchi.mp/986bdd6091ee/ectopic-matters

Detailed medical information can be found on our website. Please remember online medical information is NO SUBSTITUTE for expert medical advice from your own health care team

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Please do not ever think you are alone. I too had my ectopic in June 2020 and have no previous children.

Lately I have been crying a lot, have been very low, have struggled to come to terms with the loss and feel totally alone. I am in so much emotional pain I cannot describe it. My husband knows I am suffering and he is so kind and supportive, but he doesn’t get it.

You are not on your own and your story really resonates with me because you had your ectopic at the same time I had mine. So I feel your pain. To top it off there have been a couple of pregnancy announcements at work and one of my work mates left for maternity leave last week. The pain for me was excruciating. I am finding I have no patience for people, am becoming paranoid that people don’t like me. I just feel lost and engulfed in pain.

The worst bit is it is my birthday on Thursday and I am 37. It is just unbearable. It seems so easy for everyone else and so hard for me.

You are not alone, I know how you feel, I hope that with time and a successful pregnancy the pain will eventually go away. xxxx

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Hi Godsangel - I’m so sorry to hear how you’ve been feeling, but in a way, your story is reassuring as I have been feeling very similar following the removal of my ectopic pregnancy on 13th October.

I know it’s still early days for me, but like you I find that I’m okay if I’m busy or distracted, but the second I have some quiet time to myself or someone is being nice and offering sympathy, I burst into tears. It’s funny, as it comes on so suddenly and I get waves of emotion all the time at the moment - some days are good, others less so.

I would love to hear if anyone has any good coping strategies for coming to terms with a loss like this - it took my husband and I nearly two years to conceive this time round and with lots of pregnant friends and babies around at the moment I feel like I need some good techniques to help me cope. I’m also planning to return to work mid-November, and am dreading well-meaning comments from colleagues wondering what kind of surgery I’ve had and how I’m doing.

Sending big hugs x