Just kind of talking here. I feel like it may be helpful to share what I’m feeling. This seems like a safe place to do so.
34f in the US. I have one 15 month old. Her birth was traumatic with a c-section, transfusion, and post-op internal bleeding. Postpartum, I genuinely went to bed some nights thinking I was not going to wake up. I have other health problems and my heart just felt very weak.
I have been dreading this second pregnancy. Feeling like I may be risking my life to have another kid, but I also feel like I will be very disappointed in myself if this phase of my life passes and I didn’t have another kid because of my fears. I convinced myself that this pregnancy was going to be better and to have more of a “let’s do this” kind of attituted. Trying to turn my adrenaline into something positive. The pregnancy and mostly the postpartum phase was still something I was eager to put behind me.
I found out I was pregnant. I was a little afraid but mostly happy. When I started bleeding, I told myself “it’s all part of it.” 20% chance of miscarriage. This is the reality. When I started having excruciating back pain, I called the ob and got laughed at for suggesting ectopic. I got diagnosed with a slipped disc and went on with my life for a few weeks assuming I was miscarrying and had a slipped disc at the same time.
My pregnancy symptoms went away about 6 weeks and I stated bleeding more heavily about 7. I called to cancel my ultrasound because I knew I had miscarried and felt the cost was unnecessary and the ultrasound may be traumatic. The nurse convinced me to go in for diagnostic purposes and I did. I was fortunate in that there never was an embryo just a mass of cells in my left tube where the “slipped disc” pain was. So despite it being weeks after I called to ask about the ectopic, I was still a candidate for methotrexate. I had one dose. It has been a lot more painful than I expected. My hcg has dropped 90% as of yesterday so I suspect I will not need more treatment. Still in pain though. Not sure when that goes away.
The doctor said it is possible that my c-section created a bend that was not in my tube before. And told me I had a higher risk for a repeat compared to someone who hadn’t had an ectopic. This doctor also told me that I could start TTC as soon as my hcg dropped to 0. In reading these forums, I am going to wait the 12 weeks, but it is strange that it wasn’t medically recommended to me.
I am not the healthiest and I will be 35 (the geriatric pregnancy age in my country) before the 12 weeks is up. So I am feeling a slight pressure on time. I’m assuming that people in this forum won’t be able to tell me exactly what my early pregnancy care would look like because I’m in a different country, but I am very curious to know more about early pregnancy care for people who’ve had an ectopic. I’m assuming that I would be at risk for rupture and loss of tube. Pragmatically speaking, I have to consider that possibility in thinking about trying to conceive again and prepare myself for that outcome the best I can. How many ectopics can i/we take before we stop trying?
Now I feel pressed on both ends. A pregnancy test coming back positive is never going to be a happy feeling again. It’s going to feel more like “here we go. On to the next step.” And then even if I get through the first ultrasound and everything is viable and in the right place, I still am quite worried about the postpartum part. I’m trying to use better mental health practices, but it is getting hard. I feel like this is experience gets to be fun and exciting for so many people, but I’m not enjoying it, I’m just trying to survive it.
I hope people reading this find some sort of catharsis or comiseration.