I had to begin to move on, trying and trying, calendar making, temp taking, fertility rubs, cleanses, herbs and yoga, all natural products, 2 years went by since I lost left tube along with baby obviously ( still in shock they can’t just move it somewhere) and the thought of getting pregnant was slipping my mind. And almost seemingly magically, I missed my period, assuming something was just wrong, taking not to get too excited, I tested, like I’ve done almost every month for the 2 years since, I saw another pink line, finely. I was overcome with joy, still a little in disbelief I went and jumped on my husband who was still sleeping in bed, I felt so alive and excited, no pain and spotting, almost my birthday, seemed like the universes gift for all the suffering and uncertainty. Still worried about past I called doc asap and demanded a blood test to read hcg, so I’d know, if it was low I’d know to not get ahead of ourselves. I got the call, they were at 37,000. A healthy number? This early? Could i be 2 months already?! Twins were mentioned, my heart overfillth. Finally my baby way going to be on his way. Or 2, who knew. Now doc usually won’t order ultrasound before first checkup but I needed to see that baby was in the right spot. I called and called and finally they fit me in for scan to put my mind to ease. I was very morning sick and swollen boobed but other than that I felt amazing, nothing like the ectopic 2 years ago, where I was doubled over and bleeding for days before it was discovered. I got some pregnant lady treats, the fancy belly creme, done big banded comfy pants, all the treats the little bunch could need, my bmi is only 17 so I was in get ready for this guy mode, my ultrasound was at end of week, we could barely wait from the excitement, I think bi barely slept, I looked up nurseries on Pinterest and tried to figure out if Id ever be able to knit something for him. The day dragged out, I had been taking it easy with lots of bed rest but I went out and got a nice comfy pregnant lady outfit, my tummy was popping what a little, and I thought it just fit perfectly. Finally it was the end of day and time to go to appointment! My husband and I laughed and smiled and joked the whole ride. Finally after all this time, the 2 years and this long long week, I’d see it, we’d hear it, we’d know it was safely wanting to be born. I put my robe on and we went into room. The tech was quit the whole time, only speaking to give direction, which I read was normal and was told we’d just hear about it after radiologist looked, they took a million pics, I saw a heartbeat she was measuring, my heart went aflutter. She said I did great and to go sit in lobby with husband and wait while doc looked and we’d talk to her within 10-15. She calls down to our waiting area. I run over to the phone, giddy as a school girl expecting to hear v the happiest news I’ve ever heard in my life. ’ You have a tubial pregnancy in your right tube, it’s ruptured, you need to come up to e.r. surgery right now, you are enterally bleeding and your abdominal cavity and womb are full of fluid and blood, you’ve ruptured’ is what I hear. ’ really?’ That’s all I could think to say as I began to loose it, balling. She told me this was nothing to laugh about, my heart broken moans must have sounded like laughing to her over the phone somehow, she was just er doc, reg doc wasn’t there? I don’t know. Anyway, I was rushed up, put under and my now second tube was removed, the ‘healthily’ looking one, the good one, the my only hope one, they talked to us about ivf and adoption as we prepared my ivs for surgery. I’m in a daze. What was supposed to be the happiest moment of my life so far, instead I had deja vu, but with a lot less hope involved this time. She said there was a healthy little baby about the size of a lima bean with a heartbeat, just attached to wrong spot, again, no more changes. She said it did look older than I had expected, 7-8 weeks. I wanted the little thing to bury but didn’t want to seem weird or freak out my husband. He’s so upset, this was our big rally, this was the turn around, and just like that it was done. Technically speaking I’m now sterile, without medical intervention of course. With the help of thousands and thousands that we don’t have right now. I guess I was close to death, weird I felt nothing, the first one was so painful. This really seemed like the miracle that we’d begged for all those hard nights. Now we are farther back from ever before. Why. Just why and what now. Ya maybe with ivf it’ll happen someday, but right now I wanted that one. So bad. My husband has been playing video games to help take his mind off things, I don’t want to bother him too much, he’s taken it just as badly it seems. I feel so lonely and pained, probably more emotionally then physically even tho I can barely move, it hurts to breathe from abdominal cleaning, I’m all sliced up, and I think my hormones going back down, is making is worst, I can’t sleep more than a couple hours even on this oxy they gave me, I wake up scared or crying. I dream it’s still in me. I want to get out to get my mind off things but like I said, I’m having trouble getting to the bathroom by myself, I had to crawl for my ice packs and bathroom, i just don’t know what to do, I’m at an utter lose
Sucks. Thank you for the overwhelming response. I really needed these kind words, much appreciated. Wait, it’s still just me
Wow. What a heartbreaking story.
I think we may be silent right now because we don’t know what to say. So many of us have been through the same things, the same heartbreak. So much hope, only to end in so much hurt. Right now your hurt is so fresh and raw, and many of us are also immobile in our beds, paralyzed with the emotional and physical pain. It took me almost a month just to get out of bed.
I was reading your story, truly hoping for the happy ending. I’m so so sad for you.
What a traumatic experience. I am so sorry for what has happened to you, your husband, and your little angel baby.
I encourage you to do some reading on the forums - you will see you are not alone in this.
Big hugs and prayers your way xxx
I can’t believe what I read. I thought it was going to end beautifully. I’m so sorry for you and your partner. That would be my fear after one ectopic is having another. How are you coping?