3 years

I have for the first time forgotten an anniversary. It was 3 years ago this month that my second ep was removed. I only noticed because I saw the “joined” date next to my name, and remembered joining just as I’d found out I was pregnant again, and knew in my heart it was another EP.

Just because I’ve forgotten the date this year, doesn’t mean I don’t remember my losses. And the added loss that their dad is the only other person in the world who lost those pregnancies, and I mourn the end of that relationship too, and that we would have marked the loss together in some way.

My life is so full and wonderful now, it feels sometimes like trying to build a memorial on the shore line. The waves of time come in and the memorial gets worn away. But who I am today is because of my losses. The family I have today is there, and in the shape it is, because I didn’t have those babies.

I am so grateful to have my life saved by the doctors of the NHS, and that my son didn’t lose his mum - when it was so very close, and to have been given the gift of life of my son by doctors too. I am grateful for the chance I have to hold my children every day, to be here to bring them up. But today I will cry a little for my EP number 2. The pain is still there. I never knew you, and I wish it had been different.

Victoria.