I’m not entirely sure to what has led me here tonight. I had 3 miscarriages before my eldest daughter was born in 2014 and an ectopic pregnancy in 2015 before I had my youngest daughter in 2017. I found a piece of paper the other day tucked away with details on it of what was to happen to the remains of my ectopic pregnancy and maybe that has made me remember. I just wanted to say how there is hope and that those times were the most challenging and darkest of my life but I somehow got through and I kept going. I kept as strong as I could and soldiered on and I look back now and remember how bad I actually felt and never dealt with it at the time. As a parent, miscarriage and ectopic pregnancy has made me anxious, it’s made me thankful, it’s made me grateful. I think it’s made me a parent who will sit and just look at the beauty in my children’s faces and appreciate it. It’s also made me a parent who is probe to thinking the worst and having a panic sometimes. Always waiting for the word to happen and they are 6 and 3.
My experiences have shaped me as a person and as a mother. I wonder what sort of a mother I would’ve been like if I had just had straightforward pregnancies. That wasn’t meant to be for me. I feel like I have put my body through hell to get to where I am now but really I think it’s my mind that has been to hell and back. I’ve recently had counselling, mandatory for a counselling course I am on and so much stuff came up to do with my losses it was unbelievable. I didn’t want to go there and remember and I didn’t want to think about it. My counsellor didn’t push me but I did explore how my losses have made me feel as a person now and shaped me. It is jot your fault, be kind to yourself, you didn’t do anything wrong, you are not looking to visit the moon, having a baby should be what comes naturally but for some of us there are some huge bumps along the way. Take care of yourself and be strong. If you need to cry then cry and if you want to forget that is OK but sometimes we just need to remember and that’s ok too. To remember what we have been through and how far we have come. For some of us the journey is just beginning so please remember that you are not alone xx