Worries about the future after loosing both tubes

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HI, I had my second ectopic pregnancy last Thursday and my other tube removed, I’m still feeling really tired but planning on going back to work next week.

We’ve been told our chances for IVF are looking good as we are both 30 and didnt have a problem conceiving, but wondered if anyone else has been through loosing both tubes and then having successful IVF?

I haven’t even really cried this time around, I think I’m scared as I ended up completely depressed after the last time, I’m trying to keep positive but feel like Im not supposed to have babies maybe.

My partner has been great but I know he would like to get the ball rolling quite soon with the IVF but I don’t know when I would ever be emotionally ready for it not to work?

Sorry if I’m rambling, my heads all over the place x

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Hi Sarah 8697,

My heart goes out to you for having to endure an ectopic pregnancy once again. Having had two myself, I know it can be a difficult experience both physically and emotionally. Do allow time for yourself to heal physically and space for some emotional mending too.

I hope you don’t mind my being so bold as to say that in the early weeks after such a devastating ordeal, it is not necessarily the time to make big decisions. Keeping communication open between yourself and your husband is fundamental, and you are perfectly entitled to express to him how you feel. We have found that men express themselves differently and grief differently, and we often hear how they want to be “actively doing something”. Your husband may be thinking that way, but it doesn’t mean he doesn’t care.

There may be a time where you feel ready for IVF, but it is important to allow yourself to grieve first. As painful as it is, it’s a journey we have to go through in own time as part of our healing. In fact, an IVF decision is journey in itself too and will take lots of talking through, as well. It is not a quick decision necessarily and takes time and space to arrive at right decision for you. The process will likely involve lots of discussions with people who can support you, including counsellors and fertility specialist. When you are ready, you can look into those avenues. Both your husband and yourself will need time to process and to communication with one another. Your choice to go down the IVF route is your choice, and you are perfectly entitled to say to your doctors to allow you some space until YOU feel comfortable bringing up the subject/your decision.

It may be of some help to know that we have specific message boards on assisted conception routes and alternative routes to parenthood, if you would like to post there for additional support/views. Please feel free to take a look if/when you feel ready to do so. As well, as posting questions, you can find stories from families who have successfully become parents through assisted conception or fostering or adoption. Many may have been through similar thoughts and feelings and understand something of the journeys ahead.

Wherever your decision may lead you, we wish you well and are here for you.

With good wishes,

Michele

If we have been able to help you, are you able to help us with a small donation or by volunteering?

Further information is available at http://www.ectopic.org.uk

Email us at ept@ectopic.org.uk.

Our helpline is 020 7733 2653 (available Monday to Friday 10am - 4pm).

Detailed medical information can be found on our website. Please remember online medical information is NO SUBSTITUTE for expert medical advice from your own health care team.

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Hi Sarah

Sorry to hear you have had to go through this twice. I lost both my tubes last Weds (18th Jan 17) after having an EP @ 6 weeks 1 day. I had appendicitis when I was 14 that must have resulted in a ruptured appendix (though this was never picked up during 7 days of hospital monitoring) and leakage of bacteria into my abdomen, as both my fallopian tubes were completely stuffed up as a result - scar tissue, distended, fluid and blood inside. Of course I had no idea about all of this until I got pregnant after 3 months TTC many years later, but it seems as a result of that infection I never stood a chance of ever conceiving normally. After my surgery, my surgeon told my DH on the phone that he removed as much as possible of the ‘mangled mess’ and so we’re looking at IVF options. It’s taken us a week to process this information, and although there have been a couple of very sad and lost days, we’re getting there. Being a particularly sensitive and emotional person with anxiety issues, I think I’ve surprised many people in handing this quite pragmatically - I have no idea where this has come from as my DH agrees it’s unlike me! I can’t help in seeing the positives of the situation we’re in. We are young (…ish - 34), the infection did not affect my ovaries or uterus, we know that we can biologically get pregnant now which we didn’t know for sure before, our chances for IVF are quite healthy (as it sounds like yours are too)… I don’t know how much this will help (and granted I am still in the very early days of this and things may change) but I think for me it is finding all the things that we have been given, rather than the things that we’ve had taken away, has been the key to me dealing with this and looking towards the future quite positively. Of course I know that’s very easy to say and difficult to do, but just wanted to share my experience. Perhaps writing a list of all the things that you have and know for sure versus your worries might highlight a way to shape your thinking? Just a thought. Hoping that you find strength and clarity of mind to take the next step whenever you feel ready, Sarah, all the best. x

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Hi forde,

So sorry to hear about what’s happened to you!

What a shock to go through! It’s been 4 weeks now since mine and it’s really been full of ups and downs, the hardest has been working again as I am a mobile hairdresser and 90% of my customers have little babies.

Alot of them have also had IVF so it’s nice to see and hear good positive stories about it working and that’s from people who were TTC for years with no joy!

Yes we can only look forward now and remember there was nothing we could have done to stop it happening, let me know if you ever need a chat!

Sarah xx