Why ? :(

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1

Hi all,

I am new to this forum. I don’t know where to start. I’m crying my eyes out whilst I type this.

I am 31 years old and got married to my husband last July. We have had a whirlwind marriage and our shares of ups and downs. We have no children.

I found out I was pregnant on 27 July a week after I missed my period. I have regular periods so I knew that I must be pregnant. I have been pregnant twice before but I was in bad relationships and young so I ended up terminating the pregnancies which I regret but I had no alternative at the time. I knew something wasn’t right with this pregnancy as the day after my positive test I started bleeding and getting excruciating pains in my stomach with dizziness. I went to the doctor the next day who referred me to the EPAU and they could not find the pregnancy on the u/s. In 48 hours, I had two blood tests and a further u/s and was told I had an ectopic pregnancy. I had my emergency surgery a few days ago and they removed my right Fallopian tube.

I have read so many stories on this website that are helping me through the day but now I am going through depression and feel like I am being punished by god.

I have been resting at my mum and dads house since the surgery and my husband has not been very supportive. Today we had an argument and he didn’t come to visit me. I feel so alone and I don’t know who or what to turn to? I feel so guilty… I feel like my marriage is ruined… how do I move on from all of this?

Thanks for reading. Xxx

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Dear KK86,

I am so sorry to hear of your ectopic pregnancy and loss, it is a very difficult time and we are all here for you.

When we experience ectopic pregnancy we are suddenly faced with a life threatening emergency and it’s treatment, reduction in fertility, concerns about the future and loss of our babies. Experiencing any one of these is an ordeal, putting them together is immense and your feelings are completely normal.

The decision to terminate pregnancy is a big decision based on the circumstances at the time and, if in those precise circumstances again back where the decision was being made, or in some cases having the decision made for us, then many of us would probably make the same decision over and over again. There are many inaccurate research articles online, often used as propaganda by pro-life groups, making tenuous links between termination and ectopic pregnancy. There is nothing at all, however, to be gained by frightening ourselves about a termination and whether it might or might not have contributed to a subsequent loss. We would ask anyone struggling with this issue to please be gentle with yourselves and don’t believe everything you read on the web, in the news, or in magazines. Always check the source of the figures that are quoted. Most of all, don’t beat yourselves up for something that cannot be changed and is unlikely to have contributed anyway.

I know that when I had my ectopic pregnancy I also looked for a reason and almost automatically we tend to blame ourselves. From the bottom of my heart, there is nothing you could have done to prevent the ectopic pregnancy from happening. I cannot emphasise enough - you are not to blame. Please be kind to yourself.

Often our husbands and partners do not truly understand how we feel and many don’t cope well. Personally, I was frustrated with my partner as he didn’t feel the loss of our baby as was more concerned with what was happening to me. This made me really quite upset and cross as I didn’t understand how he couldn’t be upset. We talked things through quite a bit and many women on the forums mention their partners react in a similar way. Just try and keep an open dialogue with him.

It is still very early days, please be kind to yourself, allow time to heal physically and emotionally.

We are all here for you.

Sending much love and warm hugs,

Karen x

If we have been able to help you, are you able to help us with a small donation or by volunteering?

Further information is available at www.ectopic.org.uk

Email us at ept@ectopic.org.uk.

Our helpline is 020 7733 2653 (available Monday to Friday 10am - 4pm).

Detailed medical information can be found on our website. Please remember online medical information is NO SUBSTITUTE for expert medical advice from your own health care team.

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Hello,

I’m sorry to see you’re going through this at the mo. I had a miscarriage and an ectopic pregnancy before I got my two children. At the time I thought I’d never be able to have children but it happened for me in the end. Try not to worry, take care of yourself and concentrate on letting your body and mind heal, and hopefully good things are yet to come. Good luck xx