Struggling to cope

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I’m just looking for advice on how to cope with talking to my sister

I found out I was pregnant in August 2023. Unfortunately I started bleeding and was diagnosed with pregnancy of unknown location. After 3 weeks of bloods and scans I was then diagnosed with an ectopic pregnancy and have been undergoing expectant management.

7 weeks into this experience and my HCG is now 14 with the ectopic getting smaller on scans. The plan is to continue with weekly bloods and scans until it is gone

The difficult part is that when I found out I was pregnant, my younger sister also found out she was pregnant and we would have been due within a day of eachother!

We told our parents and they were so excited to become grandparents!

I’m really struggling to talk to my sister. Her 12 week scan is next week and it’s all painful reminders of where I should be and highlights where I am so far away from the experience.

I’m glad her pregnancy is progressing well and her viability scan was fine but I’m really struggling as I feel so jealous and angry that I’ve had this horrific experience and she is fine. Before this we were really close and now I find it so difficult to get excited or hear about how sick she’s feeling as I would take all the symptoms in a flash!

Does anyone have any advice on how to cope and look to the future? Thank you

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Dear Anniej,

I am so sorry to hear of your ectopic pregnancy loss,

We hear from many women who struggle with news about pregnancy from their friends and families. It must be especially difficult for you, given that it is your sister and how close in dates you were. It is very normal for you to feel this way. Whilst not quite the same, and I was the same, after I had my ectopic pregnancy I had to attend a family function and a close family member was heavily pregnant. I spent the whole day and evening avoiding her as I found it too hard to be near her. It’s what I needed to do to get through the day and have some space and please protect your heart in whatever way you need. This does not make us “bad” people and it is possible to be happy for those around us while grieving for our own loss. Pregnancies and babies can be a very stark reminder of what could have been and it can be painful. In time you may get to a place where you can talk to your sister and perhaps have the discussion that it may be difficult for you at times after experiencing your loss.

Please do be gentle with yourself and you can talk to us whenever you need.

Sending much love,

Karen x

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Hi Annie,

So sorry to hear about your loss.

Just wondering how you are and how things are with your sister now.

I am in a similar yet different situation and hearing how you feel has made me feel better knowing I am not the only one who feels this way.

I had an ectopic this time last year and near the anniversary of this, my sister announced she is pregnant. Her pregnancy this year is such similar dates as what mine was last year so now it’s bringing it all back.

Unfortunately I have tried to sensitively explain how I feel to my sister whilst telling her that I support her and am happy for her but that this is very hard for me so I would appreciate her understanding and sensitivity. However, I don’t feel she really understands and has told me she feels upset as she wants me to talk to her about her pregnancy and be excited.

She is really early stages still so even if I hadn’t had an ectopic I’d struggle with how to be excited at such an early stage. But, I currently feel like I want to avoid the whole topic. She is also my younger sister so part of me feels it should have been me first… and would have been me last year if I hadn’t had an ectopic. I’m worried about the milestones I will see, and will get upset at each one thinking that could have been me… e.g when she starts to show, when she purchases baby clothes, baby shower etc.

It’s a lot of emotion to contend with and I am really struggling to navigate it especially as she is not showing any understanding towards how I feel.

If you want to talk I’m happy to chat on here as much as you need, even for a much needed vent. I’d really like to know how you are feeling now and if things get any easier or you have any tips on coping.

So sorry to hear you are in a similar situation and for your loss. Hugs, Laura x

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I found out my sister was pregnant 4 weeks before myself … she had asked me to wait to get pregnant until after her and wasn’t initially happy to find out I also conceived … I got to be happy and enjoy my pregnancy for one week before I started spotting . It was a long, scary, stressful journey and I ended up needing one shot of methotrexate to resolve the pregnancy. My hcg is almost at 0 now it’s been about 3 weeks since the shot. I am also struggling to cope. I work with my sister and also have another pregnant coworker. Today is also my late father’s birthday. I’m not enjoying the holidays and feeling guilty for not wanting to do anything with my husband. I guess I just wanted to say I’m in a similar situation and also struggling… hoping to get through this

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Very sorry you are going through this but know you are not alone, there are people that know and feel what you are going through.

I had an ectopic last December, had methotrexate, took 12 very long weeks to get to a hcg of 0. Sounds like your very close to that, then in around 2 weeks you are likely to have your period and physically start getting back to normal which does help. Right now you are still losing your pregnancy.

Emotionally this is hard, i guess it’s meant to be. I’m a year gone and I still have PTSD. There were women around me announcing they were pregnant and all have gone on to have their babies. It’s painful.

I would say this is your sister, so maybe you should be a little honest with her, but in a nice way, say you are grieving your loss even though you’re happy for her.

The future…it takes time, I’m not over it, its something I live with, but it does get easier. I just remember it being very raw and being so sad whilst losing the pregnancy, now it comes in waves. So hang in there.

Anniej1:
I’m just looking for advice on how to cope with talking to my sister

I found out I was pregnant in August 2023. Unfortunately I started bleeding and was diagnosed with pregnancy of unknown location. After 3 weeks of bloods and scans I was then diagnosed with an ectopic pregnancy and have been undergoing expectant management.

7 weeks into this experience and my HCG is now 14 with the ectopic getting smaller on scans. The plan is to continue with weekly bloods and scans until it is gone

The difficult part is that when I found out I was pregnant, my younger sister also found out she was pregnant and we would have been due within a day of eachother!

We told our parents and they were so excited to become grandparents!

I’m really struggling to talk to my sister. Her 12 week scan is next week and it’s all painful reminders of where I should be and highlights where I am so far away from the experience.

I’m glad her pregnancy is progressing well and her viability scan was fine but I’m really struggling as I feel so jealous and angry that I’ve had this horrific experience and she is fine. Before this we were really close and now I find it so difficult to get excited or hear about how sick she’s feeling as I would take all the symptoms in a flash!

Does anyone have any advice on how to cope and look to the future? Thank you