It’s been about a year and a half since experiencing my ectopic pregnancy and removal of my left Fallopian tube and I am still feeling so hopeless and alone.
Immediately after my surgery, I felt so numb for honestly, months. I ignored my feelings and grief. I told people that I didn’t feel sad because it was just a cluster of cells. Well, I lied. I worked at a daycare at the time and seeing others with their babies killed me. I still wonder why I wasn’t good enough to produce a beautiful healthy baby like others do. I look in the mirror, see stretch marks from my surgery, and a huge c section scar that some women are so proud of because they conceived and I am jealous because I couldn’t do the same. I am also disgusted with myself because I just have these scars and nothing to prove for it. I get asked “are those stretch marks from a pregnancy?” And there I am telling my story about my loss as if I didn’t care about it at all.
I feel as though I’ve never been able to discuss my true feelings with anyone because I don’t feel that they are valid, especially because “it could be worse”. I also have a really hard time talking to my partner about the situation because I know he doesn’t want children anyway. He was very supportive of my physical healing process after my surgery but I’ve never discussed the emotional train wreck it has put me on. I became severely depressed for months following my situation. I gained roughly 50lbs and felt terrible. I didn’t want to leave the house, get ready, put clothes on, see other people, hang out with my old friends. And god forbid, I especially did not want to associate myself with anyone with children or that were pregnant. I find myself jealous of others’ successful pregnancies and I never want to be that person to rain on someone else’s parade so i just distances myself, lost friends and received so much backlash for ignoring people and not wanting to go to the bar with my “friends”. I still feel like the people who I would expect to see me change and noticed the depression and just even let me know that they were there for me, didn’t notice, or care enough to offer help. I would sit in bed and cry and cry just because i was in a “bad mood” but I really I was just so depressed and so deep into it that I couldn’t get out. I just simply want to stop feeling so hurt and so alone. My depression has gotten a lot better and i think i am starting to heal some but I want to finally accept this loss and move on. It has been so hard. This last month it has hit me so bad again because my partners sister was In the end of her pregnancy and the family was so happy for the first grand baby when in reality, ours should have been it. I am just still hurting. I found this page after hours of searching and reading others stories and I hope to see that I am not alone, and will help me heal. I know I should be “over it” by now but unfortunately, I am not. It is 2:46 am and I am up with extreme anxiety and just want to grow from this. I want to know that there IS in fact, hope. Thank you to everyone sharing their stories. I feel so much better seeing that I am not alone. I will be back for more guidance, especially when I feel like I’m in a deep dark hole. Hopefully that won’t be again, but if it does, I’ll be here searching for help.