Just Need to Vent

Preparing For Your Next Pregnancy
1

This is just a free-wheeling, stream-of-consciousness vent about my emotions after my ectopic. Feel free to read and respond with your own feelings of misery. My husband and I are on our first cycle TTC after my ectopic which occurred 2 months ago and was ended with 2 doses of MTX a week apart. I got my HSG done last week and it was one of the most painful experiences of my life, but it showed that my tubes are open and anatomically, everything looked normal.

Which begs the question, why in the f*** did this happen to me in the first place? I’m relieved on one hand because it means that I didn’t destroy my body in my 20s as much as I had led myself to believe immediately after the ectopic…but on the other hand, it feels like there are still no answers.

The HSG was truly horrible. One other thing that made it suck, besides the pain, was that I had to say aloud that I have had not 1, but 2 pregnancies that failed. Apparently when you go to get an HSG, they just assume you haven’t ever been able to get pregnant. I hate having to be reminded that ten years ago, I ended my first pregnancy, which was unplanned. And that decision, which I still stand by, has led me to have so many more doubts and feelings of regret through this ectopic.

Here I am, in this miserable limbo between having lost a pregnancy and wanting another, feeling truly terrified that may have been my only chance at a healthy pregnancy.

Now I’m pissed because all my OPKs this cycle are coming up negative. Great. Am I not ovulating this month? Who knows? What can I do about it right now? Nothing. Just have sex and hope for the best. While not being able to help thinking that it’s all futile and what if it happens again.

And today marks the second baby shower for a friend that I refuse to go to because I can’t stand to bask in another’s happiness while I am left wishing and wanting and wondering and waiting.

Literally the only two girl friends that I hang out with right now are pregnant. One of them got pregnant at the exact same time I did. And I don’t want to hang out with them!

Now, off to go take another OPK.

2

Dear Abnissen,

I am so sorry to hear of your ectopic pregnancy and losses,

Making the decision to begin trying to conceive is an emotional rollercoaster compounded by our sad loss. It is normal to feel anxious about the future. We experience a mix of emotions from wanting to try again to being petrified of what may lie ahead. We never forget but we can learn to accept what happened. Importantly early scans avail. As soon as you know you are pregnant, contact your local EPU to inform them and book in for an early scan at around six weeks. Remind them of your previous ectopic pregnancy. This self refer route is the best route in our view. Hopefully you will have some comfort to know you are under the radar of medical professionals right away.

The chances of a further ectopic after a first in UK is 10%. So that’s 90% chance of the embryo being in right place next time.

While generally it is possible to conceive after an ectopic pregnancy, the amount of time it takes varies from couple to couple. Factors include age, general health, reproductive health and how often you have sex, among other things. It may be comforting to know that 65% of women are successfully pregnant within 18 months of experiencing an ectopic pregnancy and some studies suggest this rises to around 85% after two years. In addition, don’t put pressure on yourself, having regular sex means having sex every 2/3 days throughout the month. Guidance from the UK’s National Institute of Health and Clinical Excellence advises that having sex around the time when the woman ovulates causes stress and is not recommended. We here at the EPT suggest having intercourse 2/3 times between days 10-20 of their cycle when trying to conceive. We also have information on our website on trying to conceive here: https://ectopic.org.uk/patients/trying-to-conceive/

We hear from many women who struggle with news about pregnancy from their friends and families. This is very normal and I was the same after my loss. When I had my ectopic pregnancy I had to attend a family function and a close family member was heavily pregnant. I spent the whole day and evening avoiding her as I found it too hard to be near her. It’s what I needed to do to get through the day and have some space and please protect your heart in whatever way you need. This does not make us “bad” people and it is possible to be happy for those around us while grieving for our own loss. Pregnancies and babies can be a very stark reminder of what could have been and it can be painful. Please do be gentle with yourself and you can talk to us whenever you need.

I know that when I had my ectopic pregnancy I also looked for a reason and almost automatically we tend to blame ourselves. Sadly many of us never find the reason, leaving a lot of unanswered questions. From the bottom of my heart, there is nothing you could have done to prevent the ectopic pregnancy from happening. I cannot emphasise enough - you are not to blame. Please be kind to yourself and I send you gentle hugs.

Karen x

The Ectopic Pregnancy Trust

Registered Charity Number: 1071811

If we have been able to help you, are you able to help us with a small donation or by volunteering or fundraising?

Further information is available at ectopic.org.uk

Email us: ept@ectopic.org.uk

We provide a call-back helpline service: 020 7733 2653

The latest EPT newsletter is out now! You can take a look at the Winter edition and subscribe to our mailing list here: https://mailchi.mp/986bdd6091ee/ectopic-matters

Detailed medical information can be found on our website. Please remember online medical information is NO SUBSTITUTE for expert medical advice from your own health care team